Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 38, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 June 1882 — BITS OF NONSENSE. [ARTICLE]

BITS OF NONSENSE.

It is an ill wind, etc.: “Yes, there is one consolation,” said the berieved Widow; ‘I look well in mourning” Classical: When Ajax defied the lightning it wasjust after an Infliction ofa lightning-rod agent. Journalistic: A Missouri paragrapher heads his column > “Tacks,” and the managing editor never sits down on it. Danger ahead: Before going to war pray once, before going to sea, pray twice, before getting married pray three times. wash-day: Mistress—.,Why didn’t you answer the door bell,Mary?”-•‘Faith mum,didn’t ye tell me ye had a ringing machine?” Agricultural: “Afellow must sow his wild oats you know,” exclaimed the adolescent John. “Yes,” replied Annie, “But one shouldn't! begin sowing so soon after cradling.” £ e ™ ei * e: “Women are,so contrary said Blobbs: “I thought when T njarried, my wife would darn my stocks and let me alone; instead of that she lets my socks alone and darns me. American statesmanship: Yes,” Said the country member, “I went to that variety show because I felt sure there’d be nobody there who knew me! Darned if pretty much the whole Legislature wasn’t there!” A dear old mother: 1 My dear son exclaimed old Mrs. Jeukins last evening “I would not go out without something over me. Put on your overcoat or your cardam jacket or you will catch your death of ammonia.” ,A bright fellow :“Charley is a bright fellow,’’ remarked Brown: “his wit is always brilliant and he always says the right thing at the right time. A witty fellow is Charley.” “Yes,”re plied Fogg,“Charley has a fine memory.” Denominatinal: “ Yes, I’v got a horrid cold,’, said Mrs. Jenkinson “I’ve dosed and dosed and I don’t get one bit better, Pon my word I believe I’ve taken no less than thirty-nine articles and I feel like an Episcopalian. Impossible: I heard Mr. Griffin has the Pneumonia,” said Mrs. Budd, who was calling on Mrs. Potts. “Well I don’t believe it.” retorted Mrs. Potts ‘jhe’s too mean. If he has any monia at all it is an old or a second-htfnd one. In mourning: B.—ls a hale old bachelor, ordinarily with white hair. The other day a friend met him and exclaimed, at seeing his purple black locks. “How’s this? Have you taken to dyeing?” “Oh, no” replied B—but I’m deep in mourning. Professionally ruined: “Yes, ’’said the doctor,“l’m wretched, absolutely miserable: What’s the matter? Why, I predicted that Gallagher couldn’t live anyway and here he’s gone and Amenities of Western life: “I think I’ve covered the whole ground,” remarked a Chicago man, in an argument “No doubt of it,” replied lhe St. Louisian; “but if you will lift up one foot it will give room for the other four of us to stand. A suggestion: “Lend me five dollars, Joe?’, „Can’t do it; in fact I’m just going over to try and borrow five dollars from the doctor.” /Well, then, you might as well make it ten and I’ll take five of it. It will make it easier to pay, you know, if 1c is divided up between us Preparing for the future Mate: “Ah my friend,” said a clergyman to a parishoner who was the husband of a termigant and who had made applications for a divorce. “We should be yielding and forgiving. “There are no divorces in heaven.” Thats the reason,’, said the sufferer,“why lam so anxious to get one here. Inter Ocean amenities: “She’s a very good girl,” said a St.Louls young man in reference to a Chicago fair one;“I assure you, she Is all soul.” “Yes, repliad his stern parent, an old prejudice against the Garden City embittering his words “I saw her footprints in the sand by the lakeside. You are right she is all sole.” Real estate note; “When I marled, said Boggs to a party of ge n Clemen who had been bragging of the successful marriages they had made, “I got a fine house and lot.” “and I exclaimed Mrs. Boggs, entering the room just in time to hear her husband’s remark. “I got a flat, the top story of which has always remained vacant! A surprise: A letter mailed in 1863 was recently found behind a shelf in a’country post office and forwarded to its destination. It wae addressed toft young lady and contained a marriage proposal. When the lady received it she seemed pleased and exclaimed: “Law me! I didn’t expect to hear from John so soon. But what a wonderful thing is the fast mail service.” Test of true love: “Is there anything I can do to satisfy you that the affection I have confessed for you is real—any further proof that I can give of my sincerity and devotion? exclaimed the youth, passionately. The face of the marble-hearted maiden lighted up with a Machiavellian smile as she answered: \ Yes therp is, Gilbert jo in the next Arctic expedition.” Bad case: A gummy whose fortune is far from being as ample as he pretends, making a specialty of showing himself iu front of expensive restaurants, where, however, he does not dine:—far from it! His friends having seen nothing of him for some days, began to ask each other what has become of him. “I heard he is laid up with an attack of indigestion.” “An, of tooth-nicks?”