Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 May 1882 — FUN. [ARTICLE]

FUN.

Free of charge—an empty gun. Epitaph far an actor—played out. Cool and collected—a paid ice bill. A writ of attachment—a love-letter. A china hen on a porcelain nest egg. Smiles is the longest word in the language. Between the beginning and the end of it there is just a mile. There are no less than 19 “Bald Mountains” in the United States. When a mountain begins to shed its hair there’s no cure for it. It is said that a Scotch clergyman was once reproached for yawniug visibly ip the middle of his own sermon, and replied that he could not help it because it was so dull. A youth with a turn for figures had five eggs to boil, and being told to give them three minutes each, boiled them for a quarter of an hour altogether. “You have played the deuoe with my heart,” said a gentleman to his lady partner during a game of whist. “Well,” replied the lady with an arch smile, “it was ' simply because you played the knave.” John Miller bought a planing mill at Dunkirk, O, a month ago. He loet a finger the first week, two fingers the second, and a whole hand the third. It is believed thSt by beiUg careful John will last out the season. An eminent historian traces base ball back to the time when Rebecca went down to the well with a pitcher, and caught Isaac. ‘‘l notice that my brother was sold at auction in New York the other day for $2,000. We come high, but they must have us.”—[St. Julien. Men must take*papers if they have * business that prevents them from spending their time at the corner stores where the news of the day is ditcussed., Council for prisoner. “Did you see prisoner at the bar knock down the deceased?” Pat. “No, yir honour: hd was alive when I see him knocked down.” fcoys, stick to the farm. It is better to hoe corn in the hot sun, and get a whipping for not doing it well, than to sjt in a morocco bound chair and confess to the .directors.

*r% The Hackensack Republican m&n has had some experience in this cruel world, and comes to the conclusion tbjkt, “The man who was not bred to wprk will eventually be compelled to work for bread.” Sharpers are traveling through the west;vaccinating people with beeswax. Persons who think there is nothing injurious about this sort of vaccination are mistaken. It makes women buzz like bees in their sleep. A Kentucky boy, with Buffalobillan proclivities, wanted to be photographed with a revolver in his hand. While “sitting” for the picture the revolver and the boy went off together, the latter with a bullet hole through his hand. A paper published in Rome says that King Humbert rises at 9 o’clock every morning and takes a short walk. In Chicago a rich man like Humbert would have the cocktail brought to him, and not go around waking saloon keepers at that hour. Henry James, Jr., the English novelist, says that Poe’s verses are “very valueless,” Mr. James is evidently prejudiced. For holding up a window or lengthening a table leg there is nothing superior to a strongly bound volume of Poe’s works. * “Mamma, how can God hear me pray when He’s so far away?” Before the lady could reply a younger one said: “He’s dot the telephones runnin’ to every place.” “Seats for shop girls,” certainly. A great many of our nice young "men understand the art of so adjusting their knees that an excellent seat for shop girls is the result. A confirmed flirt said to a gentleman: “Next Wednesday afternoon I shall be at borne and alone.” It was a great temptation, but the hero quickly saved himself by answering: “Ah indeed. Why, so shall I!” A North Carolina justice of the peace recently married a couple as he sat enthroned in state on the back of a mule, aua the animal for once realized that there was bigger trouble going on than he could produce, and kept his heels still. J —y G—ld—Your poem on “The Shorn Lamb” received. Please call at this office and bring your tin box. Not for publication, but to create confidence. “Before voting on the anti-Chinese bill members of congress should remember where our fire crackers come from. Please call attention to this.” —[Many Small Boys. “Pa,” asked Fogg’s hopeful, the other evening, “what kind of a comb do you use to curry chickens with?” “Coxcombs,” responded Fogg, promptly. Fogg says he believes in always answering a child when you can. , A nurse was telling about a man who had become so terribly worn out by dissipation thal he could not keep any food on his stomach, when one of her listeners asked, “What does he live on, then?” “On his relations, ma’am,” answered the nurse.