Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 April 1882 — APRIL BLOSSOMS. [ARTICLE]

APRIL BLOSSOMS.

———— . A blacksmith is seldom arrested for forgery, though he lives by it. “Here’s your ring,” said the bell to the belle, and the wedding went on. “Fortune knocks once at every man’s door,” but misfortune stalks in many times without knocking. McStinger thinks beating a donkey is' the handsomest thing, because “Mac’s welt on brays are bonnie.” Kisses are the right kind of smacks to sail down the stream of life with, although taking a bus’ is not bad. It only costs us about $25,000,000 per year to lie to and rob the Indian and then kill him for asking an explanation. J The difference between a woman and an umbrella is that there are times when you can shut up an umbrella. “If there is no moonlight, will you meet me by gaslight, Juliana?” “No, Augustus, I won’t,” she replied “I’m no gas meter.” The corset said to the young lady as she expressed a dislike to have it near her, “It’s no use to grumble, I have come to stay.” The number of brass bands in the United States has increased over 2,000 in the last year. Russian sympathy is respectfully solicited.

“A tall woman is a poem; a little sonnet; any woman is a rhyme with* out reason.’’ This is why we have to take ’em for better or for worse. The busband of Barnum’s fat woman, who weighs four hundred pounds, has one consolation, he knows that no other fellow can get bis arm around her. “lias your sister got a son or a daughter?” asked an Irishman of a friend. “Upon my life,” was the reply, “I don’t know yet whether I’m ap uncle or an aunt.” When the old lady told her daughter’s lover that she saw the villain in his face, he said: “Of course, its a personal reflection,and naturally hard to overcome.” Proud parent—“ Why, Florence, my dear, how you are fixed up! Dressed fora party?” Dutiful daughter—“yes, Ea; but he isn’t come yet. Perhaps e won’t to-night. Some young ladies are opposed to the telephone. They say they do not care to have a young man whispering in their ears with his mouth 20 miles away. The Rev. Mr. Swing says “that a novel is the world’s truth with a beautiful woman walking through it.” Generally,, we may may add, with a man after her. A Troy man left an estate of $9,000 to his wife, but other relatives contested and there Is just S6OO to divide up among seven persons. The lawyers take the rest. A Connecticut woman who was paragraphed as having carried a piece of glass in her foot for 38 years, rises to explain that it was only half alight of 14x28. She doesn’t want the matter exaggerated. The Chinaman who thought he was Americanized enough to squeeze a Texas girl’s hand on the sly, has departed for some quiet place in' the hills where he can pick 60 bird-shot out of his legs.

Good wages: The young Englishman just over read to his wife the heading of a medicine advertisement, “Gained eight pounds in ten days,” and remarked, “Hexcellent wages that, Mary.” It is said that Col. Forney used to deposit money in various banks and then forget all about it for years; but then, editors are all alike in that respect. Lots of us have forgotten where we left our thousands. An lowa man crowded a turnip into his mouth to show what sleight-of-hand could do, and a doctor cut at it for two hours to show what surgery could accomplish. That chap will keep liis mouth shut for two weeks to come.

A little rascal: A boy who had been watching through the keyhole the antics of a couple of lovers, ran down into to announce his discovery to his mother. “Oh, It’s such fun!” he exclaimed. “What’s such fun!” gravely asked the old lady. “Why, to see sister Mollie and Mr. Fipps play lunatic asylum.” Mellow with age: Clubite B was telling a story in the club. Clubit ■ C when it was finished, said: “Well, that reminded me of another anecdote,” and he related it. B thereupon remarked: “1 don’t see how what you have told us was recalled by my story.” “It was.” replied C, because mine was on the same page of ‘Joe Miller’ as yours.” They tell of a man out West who was putting a blast in a well, and it went oft prematurely and blew him into an apple tree about fifty feet away. In a moment he recovered himself, and, remarking, “The lord knows better th~n I do, after all; I guess it time to go io pruning,” took a large pruning-knife from his pocket and set to work. Senator Sawyer, we are told, was so well pleased with a dinner prepared entirely by his two daughters that lie gave each of them a check for $25,000. The story, of course, is true. At least it has an air of truthfulness about it that is convincing. It teaches that after a man has boarded some time nt a Wasniugion hotel he is perfectly willing to pay $50,000 for one appetizdinner.