Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 31, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 April 1882 — THE BEST OF THE JOKES. [ARTICLE]

THE BEST OF THE JOKES.

A broken pillar—The bankrupt pat-eut-medicine man. Many a child who wears a bib may in time become an old bibber. The bigger the whale the more it will blubber when harpooned. “I have a pressing engagement for you,” as the tailor said to his goose. Write plainly on all postal-cards. The time of a Postmistress is valuable. Exciting game of poker: “Do you play poker, Mrs. Schenkwales?” I do; I play it on Mr. Schenkwales’ head some times.” Literary: Young lady—“ Mr. L.. don’t you admire ‘Locksley Hall’?” Mr. L.—“Well-er I don’t know as I ever saw that building,” Five threes are Fifteen: A servant with a turn for figures had five eggs to boil, and being told to give them three minutes each boiled them a quarter of an hour altogether. Aunt—“ Has any one been at these preserves?” Dead silence. “Have you touched them, Jimmy ?” Jimmy, with the utmost deliberation—“Pa never lows me to talk at dinner. A public spirited citizen: A man gathering mushroons was told that they were poisonous. “Thank you,” he replied, “I am not going to eat them myself; 1 sell them at the hotel,” • • Salutation: Jones (accompanied by his dog Snapjmeets Brown, who, accosts him with “Good morning, Jones: how’s your dog snap?” Jones —pretty well, I thank you; how are you?” Latest from the seat of war: “Is the General on the retired list?” they asked of his wife the other evening. “Retired! No, indeed!” she replied ; “he’s down to the club playing poker.” Not an egotist; “Pa,” asked little Johnnie,“what does the teacher mean by saying that I must have inherited my bad temper?” “She meant, Johnny, that you are your mother’s own boy.” Mrs. Gladstone usually sits in the ladies’ gallery when her husßand makes his important speeches. Now where does Mr. Gladstone sit while his wife is making her important speeches ? A true partisan: “No, sir,” said the Michigan Republican visiting Washington; “I don’t vote for that man Horr again. Why, he actually laughed at a joke made by a democrat, is that sticking to his party?” The Boston papers say the girls of that city* have begun to wear* police helmet hats. Then should the Boston papers warn the Boston girls. If they go to imitating the Boston police they will never catch a man. Hail Collumbia on a jewsharp: Imagine the indignation of an American boy in a French school, who in a history class is told how Lafayette, the great French general, triumphed in the Revolution, assisted by one Washington. The poetical and the practical—Sentimental diner: “Eat a lark! Partake of one of the quiring songsters at heavens gate! I would as soon eat a hymn!” Practical friend: “Ya-as, never touch small birds—they all feed on worms.

Prehistoric joke: “JJid you present your account to the aefeudent?” inquired a lawyer of his clerk. “I did, sir” “What did he say ?” “He told me to go to the devil, sir.” “What did you do after that?” “Why, I came to you sir.” Modesty: “Do you pretend to have as good a judgement as I have?” exclaimed an enraged wife to her husband. “Well, no,” he replied slowly, “our choice of partners for life shows that my judgement is not to be compared with yours Experience the great teacher: “If ever I marry I shan’t seek for mind; mind’s too cold. I’ll choose an emotional woman. ”f “Don’t do it,” eagerly exclaimed his baldheaded friend. “Don’t do it,l implore you. My wife’s an emotional woman.” Scene in the auditorium of a theatre: Actoi (who has appeared in the first piece)—“Good evening! May I take the seat next you?” Lady—“ Certainly ; but don’t you appear any more to-night?” Accor—“No.” Lady—“Oh, i am so glad. Pray sit down.” • A young rascal: “Charles,my boy,” said Deacon Jones, “of course I desire you to esteem your cousin Grace, but it is hardly meet that you should kiss her quite so warmly.” Why, father!” replied the young rascal, “to be true to your instruction*, I must insist upon Grace before meet.” A.n unprofitable bid: “I understand that Brown is in trouble,” said Smithson. “Yes,” replied Fogg. “Brown was at the auction shop the other day. They had a silver pitcher, and Brown offered to take it for nothing. you know. Well, the Sheriff took him up. That’s all.” Disadvantage of saying things; Scene at an evening party. The Hostess—“ Can I introduce you to any of the young ladies, Mr. T. ?” Mr. T.— “Ah! no. I think I am acquainted with all I wish.” Hostess- Do you kno-v my daughter?” Mr. T. (much embarrassed)—“A-h, no; should be delighted.” Exciting runaway. Pater—“ Well, Charlie, my boy, I had a narrow escape in driving over to see your room to-day. As we turned the corner by Rock Hall the horse started into a dead run and nearly upset me.” Charlie—“Oh he smelt the wild oats around the college I guess.”