Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 March 1882 — RACY REMARKS. [ARTICLE]

RACY REMARKS.

"f * Literary: “I occasionally .drop into poetry,”- as the man said when he fell iuto the editorial waste-basket. Can keep it: “Can a woman keep a secret ?” asks an exchange. She can. That is to say, she can keep telling it. Young swell to optician; “Is this the smallest opera glass you have?” ”Yes.” Y. S.—“ Well, then, I guess I’ll take an operetta glass.” Musical: The cat is the great American prima donna. If bqotjacks were bouquets, her nine lives would be strewn with roses. Paris advertisement:* “For sale—a monkey, a cat and two "parrots. Address Mine. X , Rue . As the lady is about to get married she has no further use for these animals'” Explanatory note: “Jay Gould can’t get time to shave.” It should be said out of justice to Jay, that this paragraph refers solely to his fade and not to speculators. Class in history: Teacher: “Who was the first man?” First boy. “George Washington.” Teacher: “Next.” Second boy: “Adam.” First boy (indignantly): “I didn’t know you meant foreigners.” A questionable compliment: Brown —“Ah! That’s your dog. He’d astonish any suspicious-looking party coming about, I should'think.” Jones: “Oh, you needn’t be afraid as long ns I’m with you, old fellow.” Implacable: “If I have ever used any unkind words, Hannah,” said Mr. Smiley, reflectively, “I take them all back.” “Yes, I suppose you want to use them over again,” was the not very soothing reply. Better left unsaid: Vicar (who, until last Sunday, has always preached himself)—“Well, and how did you like my young curate’s sermon?” Mrs. Robinson—“Oh, quite the best we have heard for years. We all said so!” —London Punch. * She jumped the hurdle: In ar|4’*perience meetin, ” near here one of the sisters said she had been to liehen. Another asked “if she seed any ulggers dar?” “Lor’, sister, you don’t s’pose I went In de kitchen, does you?’’

The other side: “Is this the front of the capitol?’, asked a newly arrived stranger of an Austin darkey. “No, sab; ois heah side in frout am de rear. Es yer wants ter see the frontyermust go. around dar behind on de udder side.”—Texas siftings. Calculated to fill It: “I tell you,” continued Pingrey, “Brown isn’t fit for the place. In fact I don’t know of a place he iscalculated to fill.” “Don’t be intemperate in your remarks, Pingrey,” said Fogg; “you forget his stomach.” Customer, with red nose: “Yes, I want the hat to be just of that size.” Hatter: “But, my dear sir, it will be so unbecoming; so very large, you i-now.” Customer: “Hush! make it that way, I tell you there must he space for the brick.” A Saratoga hotel has a waiter seven feet high, and he is very popular. When he spills the soup it gets cooled off'falling through the air, and therefore does not burn the bald head underneath. An exchange says: “A man lives in this vicinity who states that he first met his wife in a storm, took her to the first ball in a storm, popped the question in a storm, and has lived in a storm ever since.” 4 boy in a country school was reading the following sentence: “The light-house is a land-mark by day and a beacon by night,” and rendered it thus: “The light-house is a landlord by day and a deacon by night.” “Have you seen our friend B, lately?” “Yes.” Then you must have noticed that he dyes his hair in front, but forgets to dya the back of it.” “Well, it only proves this, tbit if he is willing to deceive himself, he is not willing to deceive others.”—Paris Pleasantry. A soft answer: “Ah!” he exclaimed, as he pressed her tenderly to him at parting, “shall I hold vou in these arms again to-morrow and paint our future with the bright pigments of the imagination.” “No,” she said, calmly, “Not to-morrow. To-morrow’s wash-day.” Appropriate: A Philadelphia boy was asked if he ever prayed in church and answered, “Ob, I always say a prayer like all the rest do, just before the sermon begins.*’ “Indeed,” responded the astonished querist, “what do you say?” “Now I lay me down to sleep,”

On the international train that left yesterday for San Antonia there was a darkey who kept sticking his bead out of the car window. “Keep y<>ur head inside,” said the conductor, angrily. “Whaffor?” '.For fear you will damage some of the iron work of the bridge, you fool.”—Texas siftings. Didn’t match: “How are you and your wife coming on ?” asked a Galveston man of a colored man. “She’s run me off, boss.” “What’sthe matter?” “I is to blame, boss. I gave her splendid white silk dress and den she got so proud she had no use for me. She ’lowed I was too dark to match de dress.” —Texas Siftings. Mr. Henry James, the Anglo-Amer-ican, asked a young lady in Washington, “Is there not a river near here called the Potomac? “Oh. ye.*, indeed, Mr. James; and at a place cal led Mt. Vernon there once dwelt a Mr. Washington; you may have heard of ihim: his father was an Englishman. —Haivard Lampoon.