Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 February 1882 — JOCOSITIES. [ARTICLE]

JOCOSITIES.

The man who makes love to in old maid is evidently fond of a sour mash. It’s soold day when I get left.” Xantipper remarkedfwhen Socrates went off to t hit fflftwemhqtaTßi: Ottawa boasts of a hog which weighed 800 pounds dressed, and it was found outside of the newspaper offloee, too. The school boy who put explosives under the.teacher’s chair has a lively idea of that popular piece of music, “The Torpedo and the whale.” A Frenchman whom “Gath” once brought to Washington to make sketch an artist remarked: Are these congressmen? My God They look like bisons!” A Hoboken woman would not roll up her sleeves to be vaccinated, but desired the doctor to cut a hole in her dress. Why didn’t she vaccinate herself with her elbow?

“Crushed carrots” and “frightened mouse” are the newest shades. The young lady who discovered the latter tint mixed colors while standing on the highest chair in the room. It is possible for a man to know |ust what he paeans to say, and yet not be able to express it, as for Instance, when the Hiberniau conductor said, “Sir, if you are goiug to smoke on this oar you must get off to do it.” A temperance man at Cape Elizabeth, Maine, is reported to have risen up in meeting and delivered the following speech: “The temperance cause is a very salubrious cause, and I hope you will all embrace it with validity.” Teacher—“John,what are your boots made of?” Boy—“Ofleather.” “Where does the leather come from?” “From the hide of the ox.” “What animal, therefore, supplies you with boots and gives you meat to eat?” “My lather.” A wag describes a teacher’s institute as a place where the males go to look at the females and the females go to look at each other, while bits of learning are sandwiched in like the dove the young man goes out for between the acts. Considerate: Mistress (on ooming home from the seaside)—"Why, Jane, what’s become of the bullfinch?” Jane —“Well, you see, m’m, it didn’t say much and looked droopin’ like, so cook put it out of its misery, an’ I ’ad it stuffed for my ’at.

They tell the story of a little boy, a young scion of the house of Beecher, who, ou being rebuked foi bis noisy conduct, in which his sister had some share, declared that she ought to be included iu the scolding. “It I was boisterous,” said he, “she was glrlsterous.” The reason given by the colored man for not going too near the,heels of a famous roan mule was so ■fchtisfactory that we can afford to adopt it as an excuse for not doing a groat many other things. “De reason,” he said, “why I nebber ’proach dat roan mule from de rear is dat I’m too foud of my family, an’ don’t belong to no church, nudder.” I A young mau who was proud of his atheism was once ridiculing the story of David and Goliah, asserting that it was impossible for a small boy to throw a stone with force enough to break the skull of a giant. He appealed to a Quaker in confirmation of his tneory, “Well,” said the man of broad prejudices, “it all depends. If the giant’s bead was as soft as thine appears to be, it could be done easily.”