Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 February 1882 — THE SOURCE OF THE FUN. [ARTICLE]

THE SOURCE OF THE FUN.

An Extensive Humorist and His “Nomsde Plums” Little Rock Gazette. “Say do you want a joke?” asked a man entering the Gazette office. “If you see the advertising man you ciu probably dispose of it ” ' “Now, you are trying to insult me. Probably you dout know who I am. I am a remarkable man in disguise;! am the author ofthe'SpoopendykePapers,’ which you have no doubt seen in the Brooklyn Eagle.” “Thought that was the work ofStanley Huntley.” “No,sir; Stanley Huntley is my nom de plume. Wait till I give you an imitation of myself;” and seating himself and reflecting for a moment he began: “ ‘My dear,’ said Mr. Spoopendyke, ‘we have received an invitatiou-to-visit a Christmas tree over at Con Clay’s residence.’

“ ‘Ain’t that two sweetl’replied Mrs. Spoopendyke. ‘I always did enjoy the Christmas trees, and once when I was a girl I went out into the country with my cousin and roamed around the woods looking for Christmas trees.’ “ ‘Ye did did ye? Thought that the dodgasted things grew up and blossomed presents,did ye? Thought that wax tapers grew like trees, did ye? All you want is ten cents worth of common bark and a wooden toD to be a grove. Think I’m going to lake such a woman among intelligent people? All you want is to lace tight to be a campaign pole. Take me' for a dodgasted, measly birch rod?” “ ‘How’ll that do? Now, don’t vcu think that I wrote these papers? said the visitor, with the air of a conqueror. “You have established your identity,” answered the scribe. “I am ’Derrick Dodd,’ of the ’Frisco Post.”

“Thought he ; was Frank Gassaway the poet?” “Well, it is the same; I am known just as well by either name. Here’s a sample of my humor: “ -The landlord led to room No. 999. As they opened the door and turned up the gas a sudden racket near the bed ceased.’ “‘What are those?’ exclaimed the guest with trembling voice, as he pointed to a number of large lumps beneath the counterpane. They began to move. ‘Great Scott!’ he shrieked, making for the door, ‘they're bedbugs!’ ‘“Hush; not a word,’ said the landlord, detaining him. ‘Have no fear. Look! they have been already fed. We always fill ’em up at bed time. Comes high, but our gueats insist on it,’ and he pointed to a plate of well polished beef bones beneath the bed. Then, hastily slipping out, the landlord locked the door and retired,’ “The above is a section, neatly sawn out of a thrilling romance entitled ‘The House; or Bloody tales of the Boarders,’ soon to begin in the Weekly Post. Now is the time to get up clubs.” “Derrick, I congratulate you upon utilizing lun with biz.” said the scribe. “I am also Bill Nye.” “William, I am glad to meet you.” “Do not address me as William until I produce my credentials. We do not believe that any man has a right.to chew our name. Our constitution forbids such familiarity. We are sentimental. When hope and fear dance with fantastic tiptoe on our broad bosom filled with generous throbs, we do not think that the mooneyed editor of another sneet has a right to slip up and nip a mouthful of our eai.” The scribe fell from his chair, but was lifted to his seat by the kindhearted humorist. “Now, you call me Wiliam” “William,” whispered the scribe, and fumbling under a lot of papers, he drew out a bottle and refreshed himself. “My name is Alex Sweet, sir and I write the humorus stuff for the Texas Siftings. Listen: “‘Uncle Nace w,as met ou Austin avenue, yesterday, by Jim Webster, who said: “ ‘Uncle Nace, da tells me dat yer’s got de smartest three-year-old boy in Austin.’ “Der man what informed you stated a fack.’

“ *What eberdence had vou ob dat sack ?’ “ ‘Why, sab, de odder day a chicken cud into my yard, and de boy begin ter ebase him wid a instinct dat shows what a man he’sgwin ter be.’ ” “Alex, I’m glad to meet you. We have exchanged sympathy in private manuscript, and now that we meet the ocnasion 'is one of excessive joy. Is this the extent of your literary wardrobe?” “No, sir; I am Eugene Fields, the he man who writes primer for the Denver Tribune. But wait. I don’t ask any man to take my word: “ ‘Here We Have a Boy and a Dog. The Dog Has a Big Mouth, aud the Boy’s Mouth for Jam is Correspondingly Large. Will the Boy Pull the Dog’s Tail? Yes, He Will Pull His Tail. Will Me Pull it Twice? No, He Will Not Pull it twice?' ” “Who else are you?” “I am numerous others. lam George W. Childs, of the Philadelphia Leader. Listen: ,‘ |My dog is (lead said Nancy Cary Come write to day her obituary! Uone to meet old Tov/ser.’ ” A heavy fall attracted the attenion of the porter. When he came iu he found scribe lying on the floor insensible. I

Morphiomania. London Truth. When physicians discovered that pain could be subdued by inserting under the skin a small pointed instrument provided with a tube containing morphia, they little thought thai they were paving the way for a new vice. Yet bo it was. There are in our merry England beings who are as wholly under the denomination of morphia as ever was Chinese under that of opium. Women have yielded by degrees to its fatal fascination, until at last they, piick the skin a dozen times a day with the tiny syringe that has such terrible results. The operation is almost the immediate effects pleasant. A delicious languor supervenes. Happy thoughts aud bright imaginations fill the mind. Some see beautiful visions, others feel only a prevading sensation of comfort and well-being. Ou a few, the effect of morphia is to excite to someiutellectur a 1 effect, if effort that can be called

which is pure delight, a glorious feeling of uo trammeled power,'of uncrippled exercise of the highest faculties. It is as though the mind had suddenly developed wings. But at the very height of the enchantment the influence of morphia begins to subside. The glory fades. The wings fail, and the feet that are their sorry substitute become weighted as with lead. As with the workers, so with the dreamers. The visons are obscured. The sensation-of coir.fort gives place to one of discomfort, irritation, eveu pain. The mental vision that had just now looked throdgh a rosy mist sees all things as through a crape veil or a November fog. Gan it be wondered at that the dose is renewed, that the poison is absorbed again and again, that the intervals become shorter and shorter between the reign of the potent drug? And the end? The, punishment is terrible indeed. By degrees the mind becomes darkened. Hideous hallucinations seize upon it. Self-control is lost. Imbecility overtakes the weak. Madness threatens the strong. These are the personal consequences. There are others to be bequeathed to sons and daughters and to later generations. These can be gueesed at. The new vice has not reigned sufficiently long for the world to have seen them exemplified, but a dark array of possibilities suggests itself but too readily. The heritage of insanity, of inebriety, of imbecility, will in future be traced back to those tiny tubes which hold but a drop or two, and to whieh men once looked as to a blessed means of relieving sin, lot getting that blessings and cures go hand in hand in a crooked world. Dipsomania has now a powerful rival,speedier in its results than its own revolting process, and eventually as degrading. The name of the later born sister fiend if morptiiomania.

Cutting Cameo Portraits. New York Tribune. “ Yes,” said a cameo-cutter, recently, “the demand for the old style of cameo jewelry is decreasing rapidly, but the demaud for good cameo portraits is increasing just a 3 fast. It is the general impression that no good cameo portraits are cut in this country, but that they all come from Pans. As far as I know there are no portrait cutters in this couutry outside of New York. There is one cutter of cheap cameos in Boston, but they send to New York for all the portraits they have orders for.” “Are there any first-class portrait cutters in this city?” “Well I claim that there is one, at least, here. I haye made cameo portraits of Garfield, A. T. Stewart, exPresident Hayes, the late Senator Morton of Indiana, Mrs. Scott Siddons and many other prominent men and women, and here are letters from Mr. Hayes and Mrs. Garfield praising the portraits highly. A galvano-plastic copy of the Garfield cameo I sold for SSO to a sculpior, who had an order to make a marble bas-relief of the late president. The original cameo portrait was bought by a jeweler and set in a broad, gold setting, in which thirty-eight larger gems were set; thirty-four diamonds close to the cameo, two rubies above and two below and two emeralds on each side, without the row of diamonds. This copy of the well-known picture, “Cleopatra before Csesar,” I value at SI,OOO. It is, as you see, an oval, three and onehalf inches long and two and one-half wide. The cost of the stone before it was dressed for cutting was $75. I worked ou it at frequent intervals for three years. “Do you make your portraits from life or from photographs?” “I start them from photographs, as it would be too tedious to do that from life, and finish them in a few sittings from life, it being impossible to get a natural, life-like* expression from a photograph. Yes, nearly all the portraits are ordered for making up Into jewelry, brcocolnsjbeing the mostcommon, and sleeve buttons next. These are two portraits of a little boy and girl, whose father wants a portrait of one of them on each of his sleeve buttons.” “WheTe do the best cameo stones come from now?” “They all come from Brazil ;they are taken to Germany, where they are dressed ready for cutting, and then taken to Paris, which is the only market for them, as most of the cutters are there. What is the process of cutting? It is done by a lathe worked by a treadle with those detachable tools and diamond dust. The tools are of three kinds—for cutting, for grinding and for smoothing. These detachable tools are tapering iron bars, on the small ends of which ire fastened wheels of soft, porous iron, to hold the diamonddust better than the steel would. These wheels vary in size from an inch in diameter to such one 3 as this (holding up one) which an untrained eye can not see.. For cutting, tho wheels have sharp edges; for grinding they are blunt-edged, while for smoothing the wheel becomes a cone. The diamond dust, which, mixed with oil and rubbed on the tools, does the cutting, is prepared thus: Here is a cast-steel mortar and a pestle of the same material that fits this deep mortar closely; into the deep mortar I put a few diamond fragments and a drop of oil, insert the pestle, and pound vigorously with this hammer. There is the dust ready lor use. I make it myself, as it must be ol different degrees of fineness lor different stages of the cuttleg.”

An Orphan Who Kept His Word. New York Special. Many years ago an orphan boy was taken from the House of Refuge in New York to work for a Patterson farmer. After awhile he complained that he was overworked and beaten, aud at last ran away, telling the neighbors when ne went that he intended to come back again when a man and “square off” with his unkind employer. On Thanksgiving day a stalwart young man called upon the farmer and announced that he was the identical “orphan,” aud that he had come to “sqHare off” with him, which he proceeded to do in the most emphatic style, giving the man a sound thrashing. His wife came to the rescue, but the young man also squared off with her, sud when a big dog was set on him, he polished off the dog, too. He then announced their accounts were “squared off,” and he would return to his western home, whence be had come expressly for the purpose of fulfilling his threat made when a boy, and before a warrant could be issued for his arrest he mis many miles away.