Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 19, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 January 1882 — JOCOSITIES. [ARTICLE]

JOCOSITIES.

faced old maids at a sewing “What is the greatest charge bn ml cord?” asked the professor of historv “Another'lle nailed,” as the wag marked when the merchant tacked ut>-h the sign, “At cost. “ And the absent-minded student answered: “Seventeen dollars tor ha jfc < hire for self and girl tor two hour?.” The girl who was locked in her lover’s arms for three hours, claims that*' it was not her fault. She claims that he forgot the combination. I ', “ d “Charity vaunteth not itself, te not puffed up,” and yet some men expect*’ a puff every time they give a dollar to an indigent old woman’s society. ‘ ( A Massachusetts small boy at Sunday school gravely quoted Bolomanr ‘ “A wise son maketh a glad father*bu? ‘ a foolish son is just like his mother.” Haverhill has her aristocracy, for it was in that place that the lady, in ' speaking of a fashionable party, said present.” ° f the Clty wer •’ A young man who went West some* years ago is now a undertaker in a populous Western city. He is underwSttay.* u ’ to « • “There’s something as old as thehills anyhow,” said old Uncle Reuben? What are they?” asked his niece? f ' They are the valleys between them, child, solemnly answered the old m£n. «./i‘ D ?S’ tyou tkin . k ” aPked Brown, that Pingrey is laboring under an hallucination?” “No, I don’t,” renlied Fogg; ‘‘he has an hallucination, but I don i believe he is laboring under it. Darwim says man sang before he talked. Ot course they were forced I to invent language then. They had to. express the disgust whihb singers always entertain for each other’s vnmt efforts. - Lady—“ Marie go and see if the butcher calves feet has.” Marie, back comin—“Madam, I know not. I have the m not see could.” Lady—“ What” Marie— ‘lf he calves has. He has boots on.” c Qualifying a sweeping assertion: bopbie (after hearing about Frank)— I I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They are all liars'” Beatrice—' ‘For shame, Sophie!” Sophie(regretfully)—“At least all the nice ones are.”

A. clergyman in Scotland preached, a few Sundays ago, from the text; !f ye do not repent, yeshall likewise perish. The wile of a farmer who was present went home and told her husband the text was: If you do not pay rent, you shall leave the parish. ] 1 J eck A?/ Peck ’ s Sun » helped an old lady off the care at some Western station three or four years ago, and shedied last month and left him $22,000 in bonds—Confederate seven per cents. Even as homely a man as Peck never loses anything by playing grandpa. Tyndal’s theory that heat is simply motion in another form must be true. Strike a piece of iron and it becomes hot. Strike a man and he immediately boils over. There is, however, an ex-, ception to the rule. Strike a warm friend for a short loan and he at once becomes as cold as an iceberg. “ £he candles you sold me last week were very bad,” said Jerrold to a tallow candler. “Indeed, sir, lam very sorry for that.” “Yes, sir; do you know they burnt to the middle, and then would burn longer?” “You surprise me! What, sir, did thev go out?”’ “No, sir, no; they burnt shorter.” Not loug since a family moved into a house on Austin avenue. A/teta week or so a friend of the familycalled on them, and asked how Theyliked the locality. “Pretty well.” “Have you called on any of the neighbors yet?” “No, but lam going co if there is any more of my firewood missing.” “Is he not coming, Myrtle?”“l guess not,” is the girl’s reply. “Do you regret his absence, my child?” ‘.‘l do, mother, how deeply you can never know. He was good for two boxes of candy per week. But now he has gone from me forever”—and bursting into a storm of sobs, the girl cast herslf passionately on a fauteuil,and began reading the New York Ledger. The number of “holiday” books this year is unprecedented; and the variouness of their character is A book called “Smith on Mathematics,” published years ago, turns up this seasas a“holiday” book. The report, however, that an illustrated holiday motion of the “President’s Message” is to be printed, is a political roorback-r-al-though it is more interesting reading than some of the so-called holiday books, A writer in a January magazine says ■ the earth would be heated snore than 190,000 degrees by being suddenly stopped—that is, “it would at once become more than sixty times as hot as melted iron.” Any man who, knowing these facts, attempts to stop the earth, ought to be severely dealt with. He would buret up all-the coal dealers, and throw sleigh and skate manufactures igto bankruptcy. "Dot ’ar 1881 am past an’ gone foreber,” said Brother Ga r dner as Samuel Shin let the stove alone. see nuffln’ sad ’bout it—nuffin’ to.call fur sighs an’ tears an’ groans which kan be heard two blocks away. We expec de y’ars to pass away. We expec time to keep dustin’ right along. We expec to grow old, an’ to hev gray h’ars, to cotch de rbeumatiz. Dat’s what we am heap fur. If we could allusremain young an’ part our ha’r in de m-d.l e h an’ w’aryaller kids an’ smell of cologne, de undertaker an’ de grave-dig-ger would starve to d,eath.”