Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 17, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 January 1882 — JOCOSITIES. [ARTICLE]

JOCOSITIES.

A Northampton (Mass.) man boasts that he has attended Church for sist 1 years at an aggregate expense of $1 Heavens! Does he take “the beyond’ for a dollar store? “No no,’’ she said, “Charles can never be anything to me more. He has come outiu last season’s overcoat; and oh ! ma, if it only matched mv new dress, I wouldn’t care so much; but it doesn’t and we have parted. A Bishop’s wife was telling the story of Jonah to her child the other day. “Such a big fish swallowed him, my dear.such a big fish—it might have even swallowed your dear papa” The child was eating grapes, aud was of an Inductive mind—“ And would he spit out the skin, mamma?” When Anna Dickinson, as Hamlet, stoops to pluck a posy . from the grave of Ophelia, and her" back suspender buttons snap off, it would be worth the price of admission to see her grab the waistband of her trousers with one hand and ram the fingers of her other hand Into her mouth in search of pins. “But I pass,” said a minister, recently, in dismissing one theme of his subject to take up another. “Then I make it spades,” yelled a man from the (gallery, who *was dreaming the happy hours away in and imaginary game of euchre. It is needless to say that he went out on the next deal, assisted by one of the deacons. Job Shuttle has abandoned going to the Theater altogether. When he wants au evening’s enjoyment he hangs his wife’s new “Rembrandt” beaver hat on the gas bracket, sits behind it and looks at it intently. He gets just as much satisfaction as he would by going to the Theater, and saves the price of a ticket. A lover who had gone West, to make a fortune for his “birdie,” wrote to her: “I’ve got the finest quarter section of land (one hundred and sixty acres) 1 ever put my foot down on.” Birdie wrote back: “Supposeyou buy another quarter section, John, so w® can have a lawn around your foot.” John “made a home,” but Birdie never was mistress of it. A man who saw another reach for his hip pocket, thought the follow meant to draw a revolver on him and so shot him dead. Then he found that the man was about to draw a flask to treat him, and he much reerretted his hasty act. But he remarked that the last Wishes of the deceased should be carried out, and took a drink from the flask. Such a touching example bt respect for the last wishes of the dead, says the Boston Post, is seldom seen.