Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 December 1881 — JOHN’S LITTLE JOKE. [ARTICLE]

JOHN’S LITTLE JOKE.

“Well, I snum!” exclaimed Uncle Pbil Wheeler, in his characteristic way finishing the Speech with a prolonged whistle. X, “What is the matter, Uncle Phii?” “Hey?” . . “What’s the matter?” “Why, your Aunt Susan has just bought another bureau.” The speakers were Mr. Philip Wheeler, commonly called Uncle Phil, and his handsome devil-mav-care nephew, John Langdon? Uncle Phil was standing .under the big brown horse-chest-nut tree, whittling a new handle for bis hammer, when a hay wagon containing a bureau stopped before the gate. “Whose bureau’s that?” demanded Uncle Phil. “It’s for Miss Wheeler, ’’was the answer. “She bought it down at ’Squire Thomas’s auction. “Well, I snum!” John Langdon,just coming from the wood house, armed cap a pie with line aud rod. heard the exclamation and inquired the cause. ‘‘So Aunt Susan has bought another oureau, has sbe?” be remarked after another scrutiny of that awful piece of household furniture. “I say, Uncle Phil, where is she going to put it?” “Hey?” ejaculated Uncle Phil, staring hard at his nephew over his silverbowed specs. “Where is she going to put it?” Uncle shook his head and resumed his whittling. “I’m blamed if I know,” he said at last. "I reckon ’twill have to set atop of something, for I don’t believe there is floor room for it in the house.” ‘ I’ve got three in my room now,and I shall protest against a fourth,’’laugh-*-d John. “Aunt Susan,” addressing the lady who appeared on the piazza’to superintend the removal of her newly acquired treasure from the cart to the house, “where are you going to put . that thing?” • “Well, John, if you want it. why of course you-can have it; but I did think I'd put it into the buttery, it would be so handy—” “Byall means,” interrupted |John; “the buttery is just the place for it; three are asmany,as I can occupy, inasmuch as I only brought a hand bag along on my little visit. If you were to give me a fourth I should hereduced to the necessity of remaining in bed in order to use it.’* ' “Oh, go away’, you rogue!” crid bis aunt, looking lovingly at him ;j“aud stop laughing at your old auntie. Here you!” in alarm to the driver. ‘Take care there, you’ll have that leg off! Hold on to the glass! My! my! How careless you be.” After much anxiety on Aunt Susan’s

part, hair-breadth escapes on the bureau’s, and a good deal of harmless swearing, such as “I snum!” “by gollyetc., on Uncle Phil’s, the old bureau was at last safely deposited in .the buttery, where it took up just three inches more room than It could .with any degree of propriety be accommodated with. Consequently, being of a firm and un-yielding nature, a sharp and uncompromising corner was thrust obtrusively and effendingly.out,against which unwary toes and unfortunate shins would in all probability be frequently punished. But Aunt Susan was not the woman to go forth to meet trouble, and no sbadow rested upon her placid brow, t r.or misgivings annoyed or made afraid. The bureau was a bargain, and that sublime fact shed such a halo of glory over its somewhat battered surface as to completely put to rout the inconvenience of its position. Next morning Aunt Susan arose betimes, sent for the woman wno lived •n the back road, and enjoyed a day of “putting to rights.” Those days, in which she caused to be brought forth form garret, cellar and hidden storeroom, treasures collected from auctions innumerable, were dear to her heart, (bough abominations m the eyes of Uncle Phil, who wandered around amidst the household gods in bitterneaa of spirit. John watched the “cleaning”^operation with an amused smile curling the corners of his handsome mouth, till at length a bright idea struck him. ‘•By Jove!” he muttered. “I believe we might do it.” Five minutes later he might have Been seen in earnest confab with Uncle Phil, who grinned and nodded his . head in evident satisfaction, and full approval of the plan, whatever it was. • The day ended with great success in . the cleaning line.- Before sundown an array of spotless mahogany, brass, china, britaunia, etc-., eto., might have seen orpameniiug Uncle Phil’s front yard—articles which the waning rays of the nun touched aud caused to reflect like polished mirrors. Soon everything was replaced, the old woman departed, and quiet brooded over the old farm house once more. Next day John was to return home to C , and Aunt Susan was to accompany him, for the double purpose of paying her sister—John’s mother—a visit, and witnessing the the ceremony which should give to John a wife. < . This wedding was very near to her heart: first because she' loved John very dearly, and second, because he had bought a lovely little nest of a home close by her house, .and was—after a reasonable trip—To bring his young wife here, under Aunt Susan’s motherly wing, while he began his career *s a lawyer in the brisk little village near by. . , Nothing short of the immense inc.-/

portance of this event could have induced the good woman to commit the daring act of risking her neck upon a railroad; for the mile journey was as formidable to her, with her old time notions, as would a visit to India be to a town-bred man. The morning arrived, and Aunt Susan, with many injunctions and cautions, at last took her place in the wagon which was to convey her to the depot. ‘ . John delayed a few moments tn take special Darting with Uncle Phil. What was said no one heard save the parties interested; but John’slow words called forth a series of energetic words trom IPs uncle, and a dry, hard chuckle, betokening an unusual amount of interThe journey ended safely, and Aunt Susan was beginning to -feel at home on springs, and to sleep in spite of the noise in the street, when a letter from home completely upset the good woman, and threatened to start her on the homeward track without delay. | | “The house has been robbed,” wrote Uncle Phil. “I was down to eee Martby.”—his sister—“and it sot in to storm so hard 1 stayed all night. Wall, when I got home I thought things looked sorter queer, and, sure enough, I found lots of things gone. The bureau in the buttery, and all the things outen the summer kitchen, a whole lot of brass things from the stairway closet, and no end of fixin’s all over. I can’t see,” wrote the old gentleman, “as any close or silver has been took, and I guess the thieves hev knowed of your bargins and come fur them spcial. I’ve heard thCy set stores buy them in big place. I reckon at a ruff guess we’ve lost about five burows, ■three sophies,. and six or seven parlor stoves, to say nothing of chiny and brass things.” To say that Aunt Susan was stunned would be but faintly to express her state of l mind; but she determined John’s happiness should not be dimmed by her anxiety, and so by a great effort she succeeded in overcoming her despondency -and assuming a cheerful face. The wedding daj’ came and parsed. John and Mary were bound in the holy bonds of wedlock, and had departed on their bridal trip. ’ Aunt Susan lingered a few days to complete some purchases, then returned to the even tenor of her quite country home, and wiited with what patienc she could for John’s return.

Uncle'Phil was waiting too —silently, but no less anxiously. In fact a little air of mystery hung over the old house aud hid shyly away amidst the wrinkles of the kindly old races of its excellent owners. Uncle Phil had some secret he did not tell Aunt Susan, ond Aunt Susan had some secret she did nor confide to Uncle Phil, and, stranger still, each was so engaged with his own as to be perfectly oblivious of the other’s" possession. Only one person saw, understood, enjoyed, and' remained silent—Uncle Phil’s sister Martha. The summer’s heat slowly died out, and autumn was beginning to paint the tree tops in the glories of red" and gold, when John wrote that he was comingjwith his wife to take up his home in the little house. They were to’ remain at ;Uncle Phil’s till their house was ready. Of course, everything was onti p-toe. Aunt Susan caused a supply of pies and cakes to be baked that would have victualed a man-of-war, while UnclePhil spent the entire day shaking out buffalo robes and polishing up the old carriage aud wagon. * Train time came; so did John and Mary, and the old people drove them home from the depot with great pride, the scrutinizing gaze of the entire village eye, so to speak. Tea was soon ready, but not so soon but UncielPbil had found time to divulge his secret to John, for from the woodhouse came a low murmur of voices, with now and then a hearty peal oflaughlerin John’s clear voice naingled with Uncle Phil’s low guffaw. Twice did Aunt Susan call out ar d demand to know the joke, and twice did she get her trouble for her pains, for no hint was given. After tea the whole party strolled down to the new house. Now it wap Aunt Susan’s turn. With a proud step she marched ahead and opened the door of the house, a faint flush on her withered cheek Mary fo’lowed closely, but Phil and John stood rooted in the hall, staring blankly ai;d stupidly iuto the little parlor. > Certainly there was nothing there which ought to frighten two full grown men—only four or five bureaus of so -riewhat antique design, several tables with massive pedestals and claw feet, two sofas large enough to uccommadale the “prehistoric may” we hear about’ and a goodly assortment of clocks, andirons, shovels, etc. “You don’t seem to be pleased,” raid Aunt Susan, in a crestfallen manner, her kind old voice trembling a little. “Now I thought you’d be tickled to death with them. I found them all in C (Uncle Phil and John exchanged guilty looks), and I was so took aback at losing mine, aud I noticed you looked red and kinder cut up the morning the news come, so I thought to myself: Now I’ll just buy these for you John. This here burow”—placing her nand lovingly on a large and imposing piece of furniture—“did look so’exactly like the one I bought of ’Square Thomas and had in my buttery, that I couldn’t nelp getting it. You know you kinder wanted it, John, the night it come home,’and I alius felt sorter mean that I didn’t give it to you then; so as soon as I tot my eves on this one lup and bought it and sent it down with the rest, unbeknown to anybody, so as to surprise you. You didn’t even suspect, did you, Phil?” But Uncle i hil was still speechless, and even John’s ready tongue |refused to do its usual work. While they yet stood, a silent and crestfallen group, a shrill, high treble broke upon the silence, and Aunt “Marthy” came walking in. “ Wall! Ido say you do look meeching enough! I told you, Phil, that Susan would find you out. I thought I should bust when ’Susan went to Caleb to go down to the depot and haul up these things just ten days after be hauled um down, though, as fur that, ’twas dark enough when he took um down, being night— ’* At this awful stage John recovered h imself sufficiently to confront Aunt Martha, and by dint of winks and nods make her understand that she was making a mess of it. Poor “Marthy” stared, a§ openmouthed as the rest; but the warning

‘had come too late; Aunt Susan was by no means slow, and the whole plot was as plain as daylight “And so, Philip Wheeler,” sue burst out with withering scoru, “you thought it would be fine fun to deceive me with your trumpt up story of thieves that has made the shivers run down my back every night since I came home! Ob, you needn’t say nothin’ ’’ as Uncle Phil tried to speak —“it’s mity honest, mebbe, and does great credit to your profession. As fur you, John, I wouldn’t hev beli’ved you could hev treated your old auntie in such a way. You can take them old things and send them back to C,—*—.; I hate the sight of um!” And Aunt Susan fairly broke down, and bowing her head on Mary’s shoulder, bursted into a shower of teais, which caused Uncle Pbil and John to feel not only like sneaks and scoundrels, but like midnight assassins arid buf-glars as well.

There was not much to say, but what could be said John said; be explained that no . barm was intended, and that it was but a foolish, boyish trick. And Uncle Phil scratched his head and tried to look boyish, and failed utterly because he already looked so sheepish and mean. > ■> But Mary did just what a warmhearted, clear-beaded woman should have done. She kissed Aunt Susan affectionately, and said:' “Uncle Pbil and John meant to play Off a good joke on you, but you have turned the tables finely, and I am doubly glad—first, because I do love to get the best of a joke, and secondly, because I doat on these dear, quaint old things. Why, Aunty,-you have given me treasures! Just wait till you see how .sweet I’ll make this little place look. And so she did. So quaintly sweet, and altogether charming did the little bouse grow under her skillful fingers that it became the rage, and the demand forold things was almost as high in the,village as it was in our big city, where something always rages. John became a convert ata very early day, and even Uncle Phii said: “I snum! I didn't know the old truck could look so kinder scratic.” To which Aunt Susan would reply: “I allure knowed ’twas ’ristocratic, Philip.” They are all very happy, and Aunt Susan has long since forgotten and forgiven John’s little joke.