Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 October 1881 — THE YCALLED HIM CALAMITY [ARTICLE]

THE YCALLED HIM CALAMITY

Bat He Saved His Idle in an Emergency by an Eloquent Oration, Bill Hr* in Laramie Boomberang. Calamity is the name of a man who lives at the gold camp of Cummins City. He has another name, but nobody seems to know what It Is. It has been torn off of tbe wrapper somehow, and so the boys call him Calamity. He is a man of singular mind and eccentric ddnstruetion. The most noticeable feature about Calamity is bis superstitious dread of muscular activity. Home Q>le will not tackle any Kind of ness enterprise on Friday. Calamity Is evell more the victim of tbe vague superstition, and lias a dread of beginning work on any day of the week, for fear that some disaster may befall him. Last spring he had a little domestic tfotiblc, and bis wife made complaint that Calamity had worn out an old long-handled shovel on her, trying to convince her about some abstruse theory of his. Tbe testimony seemed rather against Calamity, and tbe miners told him that as soon as they got over the rush a a little, aDd had the leisure they would hang him. They hoped he wou\l take advantage of the hurry of business and go away, because they didn’t want to hang him so earlv in the season. But Calamity didn’t go away. He stayed because it was easier to stay than togo. Hedidn’t pine of course for the noteriety of beng the first man hung in the young camp, but rather than pull up stakes and rtlove kway from a place where there so rffitny pleasant associations he concluded to Stay and meet death calmly in whatever form it might come. One eveniup, after the work of the day was done, and the boys bad eaten theilr suppers, one of them suggested that it wouldbo a good tittle to hang Calamity.! 80 they got things in shape, and went down to the Big Laramie bridge. Calamity was with them. They got things ready for the exercises to begin, and then asked tho victim if he had anything to say. He loosened the rope around liis neck a little with one baud, so that he could speak with more freedom and holding his pantaloons on with tbe other said; “Gentlebhen of tiie convention, I call you to WitueSs that this public demonstration toward me is entirely unsought on my part. I have never courted notoriety. Plugging along in [ comparative obscurity is good enough forme. This is the first time I ever addressed au aUdience. That is why I am embarrassed and ill tit ca«e. You have brought me hero to hang me because I seemed harsh and severe with my wife. You have entered tho hallowed presence of my home-life. and assumed the prerogative of subverting my household discipline. It Is well. I

do not care to live as long as my authority is questioned. You have already changed my submissive wife to ku krrogaot and self-reliant woman. Yesterday I told lier to go out and grease tbe wagon, ami she straightened up to her full height and told me to g <l and grease it myself. I have always been kiud and thoughtful to her. When she had to go up into the gulch in the winter after firewood, my coat shielded lier from the storm while I sat {done iu the ckb'fti through the long hours. I could name otfiet Instances of unselfishness on my part, but 1 will not take up your time. She uses my smoking tobacco, and kicks my vertebras up iuto* my hat on the most unlooked-for occasions. Hhe does not love me any more, and life to me is oflly a hollow mockery. Death, with its wide waste of etefiial calm and its shoreless sea of rest, is a glad relief to me. I go, but I leave In your midst a skettish aud able-Ttiodied widow who will make Rome howl. I bequeath her to this camp. Hhe fs yours, gentleh’fau. Bhe is all I have to give,,but in giving her to you I feel that my untimely death will always Ire looked tipon iu this gulch as a dire calamity. 'Giey day will come when you will look back upon this awful night uqd wish that I was alive again, hut it will bo too late. I will be far away. My soul will be in a land where , domestic infelicity and cold reetcjn nover enter. Bury pie at the foot of Vinegar Hill, where the sage-heu and the fuzzy bumblebee may gambol o’er my lowly grave.” When Calamity had finished, au impromptu caucus was called. When it was adjourned, Calamity went home to his cabin to surprise his wife. Hhe has not yet fully recovered from ner surprise.