Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 52, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 September 1881 — JOCOSITIES. [ARTICLE]

JOCOSITIES.

on’er in her own country. ... Hotted wife?' Isbelp scarce ihtfeeee i parts? Depends wheather yoa want help in putting up a stove or eating a watermelon. j When a New Orleans man wanted his picture taken tn an heroic attitude, the artist painted him in the act ol refusing to drink. “Ifyou grasp a rattlesnake Ifirmly about the neck, he can not hurt you,” tays a Western paper. Keeping about a block ahead of the snake Is also a good scheme’ Musical: Jones, on hearing a band of “picked musicians” torturing a tune at a recent concert, said: “Ah, I understand ; they were picked before they were ripe!” ' “Tumefactionj”a medical term which appears jn the Washington dispatches, to-day, need create no alarm. It means simply “swelling,” aud is not as bad as it -looks. • r • j After married for nearly fifty years air Indiana couple are trying, to secure a divorca. The desire to end k their last days in peace and quitness appears to be irresistable with the old. “Mamie,” said he aifdtiis voice was singularly low,/‘will you be-mv wife? Will you cling to me as the tender vine clings to to the—•” ' “Yes, PH catch on, said she.

—Some one wrote to Horace Greeley inquiring if guano was good to put on potatoes. He said it might do for thos? whose tastes had become vitiated with tobacco and rum, but he preferred gravy and butter. There was a small boy named Apollo, Who used to get spunky and “hollo!” When his pa wttli a strap Would con al the young chap, And a sort ot a chorus would follow. The young lady who could not make her bangs stay bung said she was having a tuft time Of it. One of the Boston aesthetes is writing a novel, every chap ter of which is headed by a tuft of verse from Oscar Wilde. The hero is madly in love with a girl who wears golden freckles, and he has a hot-house strawberry mark on his near arm. The Irishman has his brains close to his lips. “Pat.” said a conceited coxcomb, “tell me the biggest lie you can on the instant and here are two shillings for you.” “Ah.” said Pat. with a significant leer, “Your Honor is a gintieman.” Put away your linen duster, Grab your ulster from the rack, For the Manitoba wavelets. Boon will Interview your back. We can hear their chilly murmurs, On the breexe borne every day,; Aud they turn our thoughts to chilblains And the In-flu-en-zl-a. A handsome lady entered a dry g )ods house and inquired for a “bow.” The polite clerk threw himself back and remarked that he was at her service. “Yes but I want a buff, not a green one,” was the reply. The young man went on measuring goods immediately.

The name of Maria is so popular in Ottumwa that’ when a cat climbs a back fence in a well-jiopulated neighborhood, and plaintively vocalizes “Mariar!” twenty windows are hastily thrown up and twenty female heads are thrust out, wildly answering, “Is that you, Charley?” Mrs. Jones went to a picnic the other day, one of those quiet picnics with no fuss,where you get up at 4 o’clock in|the morning, pack off four children and ten lunch baskets, and gad around in the heat all day and it made Mrs. Jones so tired that she had to do two days’ washing before she felt rested. An editor in charge of a religious, newspaper during the summer vacation of its regular chief, announce! the scientifiediscovery that elderberries are not so named because they are any older than any other berries. They derived their name from the fact that an elder of a church first discovered their color by setting down upon a -bunch of them at a picnic. “I never tire of reading Paradise Lost,” said Miss Posigush, her eye beaming with a dreamy languor “Don’t you admire it, Mr. Crab?” “No I don’t,” replied Mr. Crab crisply. “I used to read it before I was married, but now—casting a look towards Mrs. C. —I know what Paradise Lost is without reading it.” No wonder Mrs. Crab calls Mr. Crab a mean old brute. A big, fat colored woman went to the Galveston Chief of Police and told him that her step-son had ran away, and she wanted to know where he was. It bodders me to know why he left He had everything he needed to make him cumfable.' “Has he any marks by which' he may be recognized?” “Well, I don’t reckon all de mark s I made od him wid a bed slat, while the old man was holdin’ him, has faded out yet.”