Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 52, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 September 1881 — A MAIL CAT. [ARTICLE]

A MAIL CAT.

Tho Interesting but Unsuccessfu Experiment of Young Mr. Tillinghast. Bur)l ngton Hawkeye. A short time since the London Tele* graph published an account of how certain ejuinent Dutch naturalists liad utilized grimalkin as a letter-carder. Of thirty-seven cats,carried miles from their nalive village, and turned loose with letters tied around their necks, not one failed to get back to the start-ing-point on time. Well, young Mr. Tillinghast read this article, and a romantic conception occurred to him right on While he was burning a limited quantity of old Judge Diffenbaugh’s gas, and just ruining Miss Diffenbaugh’s bangs,that evening he told Miss Diffenbaugh all about it. Mr. Tilliijgbast would carry Alfrida’e’ beloved maltese home v ith him that night Thf maltese was one of tne fiery, uhtamed, Ukraine breed, blue as smoke, with a tail like a secondgrowth bologna sausage, and it weighed about’, twenty-three pounds. Its name>was Cleopatra. It was really a Marc Antony Miss Diffenbaugh called it Cleopatra because it was such a pretty -name, You never can tell whether a cat has a right to vote or not by the name a girl gives it Mr. Tilliughast tucked the cat under his coat as well as he could, but the cat Etuck out fore and afr. Vainly he struggled with it—bowsprit or suanker would stand out in spite of iiim. And when ho was about. baLMyay home he met a group of friends. Cleopatra got his head out, and yelled for fresh air in a tone that blighted the lilacs and threw onp of the ladies into hysterics. One o the gentlemen collared TUlinghashand apd told him that in bis opinion it was a trick no gentler’an would be guilty he believeo that Mr. T. would never have done if had he not been intoxicated. Greatly depressed in spirit, Mr. Tillinghast pursued bis homeward way, Cleopatra occasionally clawing his rite. Hr sat up the greateij part oj the night, writing a letter full Jot poetry ahd batbtag his lacerated ]body. Next eVeniny he made ready to JSeffd his jaMMflilger home. In order to increase rfne oat’s ‘•vehement yearning” to return home, Mr. Tillinghast liad fed it nothing during the day.;and Cleopatra, in the frenzy of hunger, liad chased imaginary rats about that room until the only thing that wasn’t scratched was tile ceiling, and the only thing that wasn’t broken was the hammer. “If,” said Mr. Tallinghast, holding his lacerated hands in a bath of water,after tying his letter carefully around Cleopatra’s neck with a blue ribbon, “if •■your ‘yearning’ to return home is onehalf as vehemenths mine is to have you return thither you will be in the lap of your angelic mistress Itefore I qan close this door again.” Cleopatra got along very well for about a quarter of a mile, when,-while streaking down a lonesome aUey, be suddenly paused and said: “I hojie’ to die if I don’t smell fish.” And while he was exploring theash-pile he was suddenly actuated by a lonesome-looking cat on the wood-shed: “Bay, pld indieo blue, shinny oh your own side!” “ Watchugiviuus? : ’growled Cleopatra. The wood-sbedder, being on his own pre mhes, made a violent effort to restrain his wrath,'but he came down to the ash pile, and said in flr jroice that meant business: “I’ll trouble you for that fish, if you please.” “AH right,” said Cleopatra, “I’ll lea’, e* you the bones when I'm through with it.” The strange cat readied out to lake the savory, fish, and Cleopatra smote him. In less time than it takes -to tell it, bestead tiiat cat in the corner of the fence and wiped enough hair off of him to stuff a sofa cushion. And as the wailing cat dragged its lacerated body down the drain, Cleopatra resumefl’his fish, remarking, as be dodged a passing blacking brush,that he believed as long as he was out, he’d sit up a little while and have some fun with the boys. And he had it. He Went down the alley and danced to everything he met. He nearly tore |l|e ear off a smart kitten that-sat up on a wood pile -and sassed him, and : asked him “where he picked up that paper collar.” He prowled through »M*e back yards, and he al most horrified the life out 4 of a most highly respectable eldeny tortoise shell tabby, sitting io a kitchen window, and then roared 'out to know if “she danced the lanetfts?” He scalped a harmless dog all the way down the back in six red raw lines, and shouted after'the anguishstricken animal to “run home and put .on his bait on!” He was hit once with a kerosene torch that perfumed him up tike a little political procession, ano he Crawled through an old"drain back of the soap works, and came out smelling worse than an Indian picnic. In Judge Diffenbaugh’s parlors, at. the piano, Miss Diffenbaugh dreamily wandered through the entrancing numbers of “fichubert’s Craole Song.” A familiar > Voice.came across the lawn. It was Cleopatra. And this was what he was saying: “Hoop-pee I I can . lick the tpst eon of a brindle rat catcher that ever climbed a fence! Wow! wow! I’m the old Bashi-Bazouk from;Angular Street, an' don’ you fer-furgiz it wow! Dance to me, somebodv! I only weigh a pound!” And then that . mockery of a home bred cat strode into Judge Diffenbaugh’s parlor, and everybody climbed on the tables and chairs. Miss Diffenbaugh fainted. Cleopatra’s hair was mainly gone,and what he had let was not combed. His face was scratched. One eye was closed. His ears hung loose and limp’. He hiccoughed in his s|*eech. Around his neck still clung the blue,ribbon and a letter, crumpled, torn, stained, unsavory. The Judge received the letter with a pair of tongs. He did not show the letter to bis daughter. He simply told her that if ever that infinite ass,young wbal-is-his name, came around that bouse again he would pulverize his brainless carcass with lawn mower. Mr. Tillinghast still lifes a blighted, despairing life. He has gone out of the mail service,and experiments -in star iout(B to General Bradv.