Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 September 1881 — Two Old Physicians. [ARTICLE]

Two Old Physicians.

Cleveland Leader. The other night Dn. Snort and Bilkins, two of the oldest physicians in the country, met at a hotel in Cleveland. They were on a journey,and their meet ing was accidental. “We must occupy the same room,” insisted Dr. Snort. “It has been so long'since I met an old-time doctor that the occasion shall retain pleasant memories.” “Nothing would give me greater pleasure,” answered Dr. Bilkins. “It is pleasant to meet a genuine physician.’. The two old men were shown to a room, where, with a bright fire, they built an addition to an acquaintance begun when Dhio was not regarded as the great State of Presidential production. • * “There are a great 'many tricks in the medical profession now,” said Dr. Snort: “these upstar doctors are killing the people off at a shameful rate.” ‘lt wasn’t so in our day/’replied Dr; Bilkins: “a boy 19 years of age wasn’t engaged as a family phj sician then.” “No* nor wasn’t that jealousy

now. It’s all right to talk about enterprise and young blood, but a doctor should not be too enterprising.” After talking until the fire burned out, the two friends retired. “Speaking about young doctors/, said Dr. Snort, “I have always held that the best physician ’is he who his the age. It is all practice any way,and I believe that a 50-year-old doctor as more reliable than one 40 years old,” “Yee,” said Bilking, “but after they pass 50 it doesn’t make much differ- “ Yes, it does. A 55-year-old doctor is naturally more reliable than one 50 years old.” “Now/here,” said Bilkins, “you say that just because I’m 50, and you are about 55.” “No, I didn’t think of the difference in our ages. However, in our case it s different” “Don’t try to crawl out of it, doctor, you mean it as an insinuation. You can’t pul) the wool over my eyes, for I can doctor the life out of you any time.”

“No doubt of it Let’s go to sleep.” “Bleep,the deuce,’’said Bilkins,turning over. “Stir a man up and then teU him to go to sleep! I want you to understand that I stand higher as a physician than you do.”: “No use to talk that way when you know that I can doctor the socks ofl you.” , “That’s the trouble. You can doctor the socks off anybody. I suppose you are not aware that Bilsley tells it all around the neighborhood that you killed his wife.” “See here,” snarled Snort, “you are too infernal insolent for an old man. I never intended to say anything about Jt, but I know one thing concerning your medical career that Is a blot to the profession. You poisoned Glaxon’s child out of pure ignorance.” “Yeu are a rheumatic old liar!” exclaimed Bilkins, springing up. “You are a, wheezing old scoundrel.’’ “You oi l carrion crow’.’’yelled Snort “I woulden’t take that from my father.”

“Take your hands oft. I’ll punch the life out of you. Take that,” howled Bilkins, as he struck the wall with his fist, Then they grappled, and began a mouth-to-mouth engagement. They rolled out of bed, got up, braced, grappled and fell again. Finally the night porter broke open the door, rushed in and lit the gas. Snort stood in one corner of the room, holding a chair. Dr. Bilkins stood on the bed with a boot in bis hand. “Drive that madman out!” exclaimed Snort. “He has been trying to murder me.” “He is an old liar!” vociferated Bilkins; “he tried to poison me. Shoot him. Call the police and let them kill him.” Several men, disturbed by the noise, entered the room, and the two olc friends were compelled to occupy different apartments. The affair has created a profound sensation, and warrants of arrest have been issued for the old-time physicians.