Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 49, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 August 1881 — JOCOSITIES. [ARTICLE]

JOCOSITIES.

Tlx well to quote the census number, - ” To show the greatness of s nation, But better yetfe the green cnenmber To double up the population. J This party's front name it was HagglnT' He camelnto town from Bullraggm; He tickled the mule % And the lanorant fool Was healed home stone dead in a wagon. Hie wife’s name was Bally Carathers, Bhe married four times to four brothers; ~ '"j When she uw Haggin dead This was all that sue said: “Go bury that fool With the others," u O, fly with me cried tee wild esthete,” As he nttered h is lo vo-too-too; *• We shall float down the utterly utter tide In this utterly frail canoe.” “Quite too utterly sweet would it be to flee In that stall canoe with yon; But l utterly fear my parent dear, Which his specialty la glue.” A Buffalo girl never has her wedding dress made in that city, for fear somebody will say she was married in * Buffalo robe. A Philadelphia man who recently be came the father of a strong lunged youngster, says he don't need Prof. Bell’s eleotrio balance to locate the bawl. , .

“Hazel Kirke” was performed at Carson night before last, and so affected the audience that it was necessary to mop the floor of the theatre between the acts. Ts Garfield Bhould recover and Mrs. Garfield should refuse to accept the purse of $250,000, how would it do to give Mrs. Abraham Linooln thirty-five or forty cents of it? “Chinese barbers shave without lather.” This reminds ns that our old schoolmaster used to lather without shaving. One is said to be as painful an operation as the other. Birky—“l got off a good' thing the other day; did you hear about it?” Jimmerson “No, what was it?” Birky—“Well to tell the tiuth, it was my red flannel undershirt.” An old man-of war sailor, who had lost a leg in the service of his country, became a retailer of peanuts. He said he was obliged to be a retailer because, having lost a leg, he oould not be a whole sailor. .

“No,” said Ragbag, “J can’t really afford to keep two pianos and have both my daughters take music* lessons, hut the son of a pirate who lives next door let his hens into my garden last spring, and I’ll get even with him if it, fails me.” - - . “Veil, my mercy gootness!’! .-exclaimed Count Von Fiddlastickski, as he gazed for the first time at Niagara Falls. -* ■“I has never in der whole course mit my oxperience seed der vaterfall liter dat one. I feel mineself all full up mit axcldemendt. Vere ish der parroom ?” A Hawesville (Ken.) negro congregation recently held an indignation meeting and resolved “dat> it -am not rite to senshure de ministah for the losin sf $9.35 on free card monte, kaze why; we know dat it am a werry excitin’ game, an’ de werry best ob us is li’ble to at any moment ob our lives. A Middletown paper publishes am article, addressed to girls, whifth says: “The hinges* of hell are greased' by flirtation*” Thus, one by one, are the questions that have puzzled risen for centuries beiDg solved. This, is real newspaper enterprise. None but a lively city editor would have thought of detailing a reporter to settle this vexed question. Mother of esthetic young lady a t Long Branch r- “Julia, you havea’t been in bathing yet?” Julia—“No, mamma.” Mother “What ris tie reason?” Julia—“l don’t like to tell, mamma.” Mother “Stuff, let me know at once.” Julia (blushing)— “Because Mr. DeLacey’s dog comes down to look at me every time Igo to the bath-house, and I know Mr. De-, Lacey sends him.” The Burington man says: “If the young man who stood under the aft window of this office last Tuesday night and sang, “Let me Die when the Lilies are Blooming,” will kindly stand where the forman can reach him with the mallet the next time h§ comes, we will do all in our power to get him in about two laps.'ahead of the earliest lily of the season. No man who sings as he does should waste any time waiting for the lillies when it comes to dying. , . A reverend getleman in Aberdeenshire, was summoned before his presbytery for tippling, and one of his elders, the constant participator of his orgies, was summoned to appear as a witness against him. “Wee! .John,” said a member of the reverend court “did you ever see the accrued the warf' of drink?” “Weel, I wat no,”» . swerea John, “I’ve mony the time seen him the better o’t, but never seen him the waur o’t.” “Bat did you ever see him drunk?” “That’s what I’ll never see,” replied the elder: “for lang before he’s half el ikeneil I'm aye blind sou.”