Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 August 1881 — TOCOSTTIES. [ARTICLE]

TOCOSTTIES.

The first poker-sharp ln America was Poker-Hontas. Never write the word “finis” backward. It will be a “sin if’ you do it A Dutchmen repeated the adage, “Birds mit one fedder goes mit demselves.” , * A Brooklyn maiden wants to knbw how to avoid having a mustache come on her upper lip. Eat onions, sis, A Connecticut woman was appointed constable the other day, and the first thing she said was: “Now, I shall catch a man.” The Free Press professes to have seen a Cincinnati woman’s bustle that fur- , nished a roost for three boys and a market basket. Rev. Dr. Talmage said the other day that modern young ladies were not the daughters of Shem and Ham, but the daughters of Sham and Hem. Somebody sends this in as new: What species of snake was it thattempted Eve? The garter snake, he being the only one that could get around her. A California astronomer claimed to have discovered seven comets iu a bunch the other evening, but he was just from the States and had not yet t>ecome accustomed to the coast brand of w'hiskey.

There was a young feyow from-Ldsle Bat down on a three-cornered nlo. With a sorrowful wall He pulled ontlhe nail,. ' And despalrlnysald, “I should smile.” (But he didn't.) They were at a'dinner party, and he remarked that he supposed she was fond of ethnology. She said she was, but she was not very well, and the doctor had told her not to eat anything for desert but oranges. “He’s a beauty,” observed the mule dealer, admiringly stroking the animal’s mane, “ana amiable, too, but when he gets mad it’s just worth Bill Vanderbilt’s fortune to Bee him feeling for the hair of the cofnot with his heels.” A Chinese laundrymap in Philadelphia has a revised sign, of which this is a true copy: | 4 : No trustee—no bnstee j , i: Bnstee Is Hadee [ No trustee—no bnstee 5 : No bustee—no Hadeo :

Last Summer she was eating green com by gnawing it from the cob,when her teeth became entangled with a corn silk. “Oh, dear,” said she impatiently,“l wish when they get the corn made they would pull out the basting threads.” , , A man in passing ’a. country graveyard saw the sexton digging a grave, and inquired, “Who’s dead?” Sexton* “Old Squire Bumblebee.” Man :“What eomplaint?” Sexton (without looking a up): “No complaint; everybody’s sat*. isfled.” ' “Biddy,” said a lady to her servant, VI wish you would sten over and see how old Mrs. Jones is this morning.” In a few minutes Biddy returned with the.mformation that Mrs. Jones was;’ 72 years, 7 months and ,28 days old. A saloon-keeper in New London, Coun>, whose lost pocket-book, containing nearly S4OO, was returned to him by the finder, impulsively exclaimed: t “You pees von honest poy-,1 vill shake mit you for de drinks. - ’ And they “shook,” and tli« honest boy lost nml paid. i. Until the whole revision is made, itcan hot be said whether the new Bible is betlewtban. the old one lor pressing autumn leaves,'or for propping Up the person that works the base end *of a piano when a duet is called fur arid there is oDly tone piano stool in' the house.

Fogg thinks it strange that nobody thought of reducing the temperature,of tbe President’s room by holding a church “social” in-it. Fogg says that' one of the “socials” that they have ih his town would put a coating of ice ten inches thick on .a fire of blazing sea coal In less than five minutes. Bhe lammed a hairpin In her head— It made her feel quite sore— * Shem'urmured In an undertone: “ ’Twon't hairpin ahy more..’ Her lover heard this dreadful Jest, And cried la deep distress: “That pun, my dear, ’pon my word, Has wrecked my halr-pln-ness!” This couple joined the minstrels, then, But they were not desired For all their Jokes were new and good, And they, of course, were flred 1 The Detroit Free Press thinks that “plaster of Paris cats are no longer tony enough lor mantle ornaments, but they must s’cat! and give place to crockery dogs with yellow eyes.” Aud yet in the highest circles croekery dogs are nowhere beside majolica toads. Baltimore people nave great presence of mind. "When a man fell dead tbe other day it was proposed to e ill a coroner. Said a man, V Hold on! Call two. This is a very melancholy occurrence, but we may as well make the best of it, and enjoy seeing the race between the coroners and their flghl over the body.” And they did.