Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 45, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 July 1881 — JOCOSITIES. [ARTICLE]

JOCOSITIES.

The editor of the Oil City Derrick claims to have a country-seat It is a stump. An up-town grocer has a strong run on tea, and he calls his.scales “ambush” because they lie in weight It is the thing now to serve coffee with whipped cream. Cream, however, that has been licked by a cat will not dq> In Texas lived a? fair maid And a tellow*be called her a Jade; Bhe grabbed for a gun,/ He started to run, But was neatly and instantly stayed. A cross-eyed man who said £thatjhe was going to “vote as he shot,” had his ballot carefully 'put among the “scattering,” by the judicious torA married woman said to her husband: “You have never taken me to the cemetery,” “No, dear,” replied he “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.” A new style of boys’ trousers has been invented in Boston, With a copper seat, sheet-iron knees, riveted down in the seams,and water-proof pockets to hold broken eggs;

Young lover asks: “When is the best time to travel?” When you see the old man and his bull dog coming round the corner, sir. Travel for all you are worth. An exchange says: “A beautiful example of ‘force of habit’ is to see a disciple of Murphy fill his glass with water and dreamily blow froth off’the innocent water before drinking.”’ “You wouldn’t take a man’s last cent for a cigar, would you?” “Certainly I would,” remarked the proprietor. “Well, here it is, then,” passing over a cent, “give me a cigar.” Edison has perfected a fog-horn that can be heard ten miles, but when it comes to an invention for getting his hired girl up in the morning, he smiles sadly and falls to musing on the infinite. "" “More puff’s than anything seen for years are the backs of some new skirts,” says a fashion exchange. The writer probably never read a country newspaper when the first crop of pumpkins began to come in. A painting, the prodigal son, on exhibition in one of the Paris galleries, si designated as follows: “The prodigal in watching the hogs thinks of his parents.” “Rather rough on his parents,” says Guibollard. The following is the Chinese version of Mary and her lamb: “Was gal name Moll had-lamb Flea all samee white snow, Evly place Moll gal walkce, Ba ba hoppee long too. A good churchman was commenting ab the breakfast-table on the conduct of one of the vestry when he was suddenly interrupted bv his hopeful, aged* 7, exclaiming; “Papa, why don’t you pull down your vestry-man?” Little Jimmy is laid up with measles and suffers a great deal, but when he was asked how he liked the measles he he brightened up and exclaimed: “The doctor says I can’t go to school for a week. That’s how I like it.” The Buffalo Express gentle chides a Buffalo bride who got married in a pair of stockings valued at $l5O. One aundred and forty-nine dollar’s worth of bonnet and sl’s worth of stockings would have made more show. Vassar has one smart girl who will in the hereafter be heard of in women’s rights societies. She described straw as being a hollow thing with a ten cent m«n on one end of it and a twenty cent drink on the other end. A certain little dainsel, being aggravated beyond endurance by her big brother, fell down on her knees and cried: “O Lord,, bless my brother Tom. He lies, he steals, he swears. All boys do. Us girls don’t. Amen.’\ “Is ft true, Harry, that you have broken off with Marks way’s daugh-" ter?”. ‘Alas, yes! I was forced to, although she is a charming woman.” ‘‘Why?” “Incompatibility of complexion. She does not suit my furniture.”

Dore lias just finished a new picture entitled “The Vale oi Tears.” He took the city of Chicago, after an exhaustive wheat corner, as a model. The piclure is so natural that one can almost detect the smell of the Skunk river. , The cashier’s In the corner Counting up the money, £ • The editor is writing Something awful fuury. A maid in the hallway With a poem sweet; She is dressed in sealskin •From head to feet. Doctor: “Oh! there you are, Smith. How’s the wife?” Farmer: “Wuss, I’m afraid, sir.” Doctor: Indeed! Is she wandering?” Farmer: “No, no; she’s sensible. That’s what I’m afraid of. L never knowed her so sensible. She’s onnaturally sensible.” Snooks went home the other night afflicted with double vision. He sat for some time with his sleepy gaze rivited upon Mrs. Snooks, and then complacently remarked: “Well, I hope t’holler ’fyou two gals don’t look ’nough alike to be twins.” A maiden who lived at Accord The sight of\a spider abhorred; But herlbver, made bolder. Brushed one from her shoulder, ind she gave him a kiss in reward. Next night as he sat by her side. And let his fln artfully glide ’Round her trim belted waist — “(XGeorge now make haste And pretend there’s a spider,” she cried;