Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 43, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 July 1881 — JOCOSITIES. [ARTICLE]

JOCOSITIES.

Fall many* maid has toyed with kerosene, And flown promiscuous through the desert air. In England they say the Prinoe Royal Has on his proboscis a boyal, When asked “Do you a’pose ’Twill embellish your nose?” Ir- „ He Is aald to have sighed, “I should smoyle.” Mine country dot Is mit you, Sweet landt of liberty, Mlt thee I slugs; Landt of dot Pilgrims’ pride, Landt where mine uncle died. From every mountain side, Let dot freedoms ring. Oh, around my heart yon twine, , Baby mine, baby mine. And at times your J oat divine, Baby mine! 1 • Bnt, to walk yon all the night, * While the fierce mosquitoes bite. And yon bawl till broad daylight, Makes mo bl-ess that tooth of thine, Baby mine, baby mine 1 i Makes me bl-ess tnat tooth of thine. Baby mine 1 . n Only a custard pie— Soft as a zephyr's kiss, Light as a maiden’s sigh, Placed on the merry picnic ground— Lovers, like lambs, are straying aroun4, Lest In a sea of bliss. Only a pair of pants, White as the tailing snow— Many a maiden enchants— Wrought of a costly fabric fair— Doomed to a weird and wild despair; Fated to deathless woe. Only a sitting down— Only a smothered moan— O snow white pants and custard pie! Heaven help thy mutual misery. Since now thy charms be flown. The thunder is about the most reliable weather report. . f The man who buys a farm ■ may be said to be gaining ground. The fool thinks he has argued the case when he offers to bet. “Handmade pants for sale.” Bnt we didn't know that handmaids wore pants. , '“Ye pays more attention to me,’’said, Patrick, “than if I was I dum baste talking to yez.” The Coney Island beer glass for 1881, is called “The Baby.” One of the kind that is raised by hand. j . , >fA man can get along without a stitch inhis side, hut a patch on his pants is often a stern necessity. A San Francisco clothing merchant displays the sign: “Do not go somewhere else to be robbed; walk in here.” A territorial editor has named his sheet Cucumber, thinking that his subscription list will thereby double up. <■ At a picnic party tbe other day the youth who recklessly bugged all the girls was 'put down as a free and squeezy fellow. An ordinary-woman’s waist is thirty inchesaround. Anoidinary man’s arm is thirty inches long. Hew admirable are thy works, O Nature! A girl in Rockford, Me. had her corset torn from her by a stroke of lightning, but received no Injury herself. The young man, however, was killed. “Do you play the piano?” “No; I don’t play the piano, but my sister Hannah, who. is in Savanah, she plays the.pianain the most charming manner. Haveabannana?” The man who loafs his time away around a one-horse grocery while his wife takes in washing to support him can always tell you just what the coutry needs to enhance its prosperity. Such a proud moment, too!’ Proud young- father— “On—er—l wish to registe the birth of a, daughter.” Registrar—“No, ho; you must go back my boy, and tell your father to come himself.”; j Said Mrs. Smith, who. had come to spend the day, to little Edith—“ Are you glad to see me again, Edith?” Edith—“Yes,m’m,and mamma’s glad, too!” Mrs. Smith-—“ls she?” j Edith —“Yes, m’m ;she said she? hoped you’d come to-day, and have it over with.” A man had just taken his seat in a street-car, in fact he had got fairly down, when a lady entered. He immediately rose. " “Don’t rise, sir; I beg of you, don’t!” she said. ; : “Gpod heavens, ma’am,” he yelled, “I must! There’s a pin three ipches long set up on that seat.” ' - We cannot agree with some folks,, who believe the world is “growing wickeder every day.” It is easier to get trusted now than it was three months ago. This shows that the beautiful idea of man’s faith m his fellow man is gaining ground.—New Haven Register. “Any good shooting on your farm?” asked the hunter of the farmer. “Splen did,” replied the agriculturalist. There’s a drive-well man down in the clover meadow, a cloth peddler at the bouse,a candidate in the barn, and two tramps flown in the stock yard. Climb light over the fence, young man, load both ban els, and sail In.” “I cannot sing tbe old SOngß’ shrieked an amateur soprano the other night, and while she took in breath for the next line-a young man who had looked in fora moment was heard to re mark, casually but emphatically. “You can just bet you can’t.” It broke up the concert on the spot. If you want to get the reputation ot knowing a heap do. as Prof.* Proctor does. He guesses what happened* three or four milllion years ago, and predicts what is going to happen fifteen * million years hence. It is only a few Sears since he commenced, and now e can get credit at any grocery. A new rendering: “Hell bath no fury like a woman whose husband gets corned,” remarks the Louisville Courier Journal, and a New Haven citizen who reached home one morning at half past 2 and was met with an affectionate “swat” side of the head with a fire shovel, is willing to swear to the truth of the remark. He has since signed the Iron-clad pledge and drinks soda lemonades. - While the circus with “the most beautiful woman in America” was parading through Chicago the other day* the absurd cry was raised by a practical joker: beauty has got 1 >ose!” The crowd rap away iq every direction. Some women fainted, and one whs thrown though a ■ window, nearly killing a telegraph perator. The Chicago people are not accustomed to “SIO,OOO beauties.”'

Mb Samuel J. Tilde n, commenting on the attempted assassination of tiie President, expresses the opinion that “two thing! are so obvious that they cannot escape consideration even now.” The first is “the great peril that attends the enormous and in* creasing power of the chief executive magistracy.” Tbesecoud'is “the unbounded licentiousness that characterizes our party competitions and political dissensions, the assassination of . private character, and the u neernpulous methods resorted to to influence the public judgment. All good men of all parties ought to do their utmost "to limit and restrain these mishaps. The undue stimulus to mad passions ■ arms tbs hand of the eccentric individual who assumes to himself to work out the results, perhaps under the insane ambition for notoriety of ■nfamy.”