Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 39, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 June 1881 — What Comes of Getting News from a Pattern. [ARTICLE]

What Comes of Getting News from a Pattern.

BraokUa Bagla. “Is there any truth In this story that Mr. Garfield has killed Senator I Conkling?” inquired Mrs. SpoopenI dyke, fitting the sleeve into the. armI hole and running in the basting. “No!” ejaculated Mr. Spoopen- | dyke. “Where did you get that? Mr. I Conkling has resigned, but he ain’t dead.” * I “I read that he had got into some I difficulty With. Mr. Garfield, and Mr. I Garfield had dragged him. all! around Iby the ear, and finally they had to take Mr. Conkling away to save his I life, though he died afterwards.” “Who said so?” demanded Mr. I Spoopendyke. “Where’d you read | auvthihg like that?'* “I read it on a pattern that Mrs. Winterbotbam loaned me for an overI skirt. I’m sure it’s so,” replied Mrs. I Spoopendyke. ’l‘n? •'rticr ’ ' ' * “Getthe pattern,” said Mr. SpoopenI dyke.. “Show it to met” Mrs. Spoopendyke unrolled the patI tern ” and commenced to read: “ ‘The-complications at Washington | have assumed the most exciting shape. To-day the trouble between Garfield and Conkling culminated by | Conkling seizing him by the throat I and holding on while the crowd yelled with delight. Twenty to one was offered, but Garfield remains firm and declares that the administration will I not yield. This position aroused the crowd to frenzy. It is said that Conkling really desires to retire toprivate life, but Garfield at that moment planted his teeth in his game adversary’s ear and dragged him around until the friends of Conkling interfered to save the poor thing’s life. Ha was taken, home but died in a few minutes.’ There!” saffi Mrs. Spoopendyke, triumphantly, “I told you so.” '••• “Show me!*’ sald'Mr, Spoopendyke, jumping up and seizing the pattern/, 1 “Where 'd’ye find such. dod. gasted, nonsense as that? Wherela.it?” “There It begins under the ruffle, then it runs oyer on the band and down on the gore, and ends here on the plaiting. I knew I’d seen it,” and . Mrs. Spoopendyke smiled pieasautly, “What’s the matter with you, you measly idiot?”howled Mr. Spoopendyke. “This is where you get your political information, is it? This the source of your intelligence on national affairs ? All you want is two more patterns and a bald head to be a constitutional lawyer! Three overskirts and a pair of spectacles would make you a supreme court judge! What d’ye think this is?” “Isa ( tit right?” faltered Mrs. Spoopendyke. “Did you read from the ruffle over to the bahd and down to the gore—” - . “Yes, I did, didn’t I?”squeaked Mr. Spoopendyke, “and so did you, didn’t vov? Do you know what you’Ve got here?”

“Isn’t it a pat ” /‘Dodgostthe the pattern—l mean the print! Partof it is about Garfield, part about Conkling, and the rest is a dog fight out on Long Island. Know what it is now? Think you can understand it, now I’ve explained it to , you ? Oh! you’ve got brains! Borne .day I’m going to run a pipe into your ear and start a phosphorus factory!” and Mr. Bpoopendyke danced' out of the room leaving ft streyn with pattern dust.. : r - “I don’t care,” sobbed Mrs.Sp«H>peßdyke, *‘it read all right, and the skirt fitted so nicely that I supposed the articles were put together straigh t. And it was so perfectly natural anybody might make the sanie mistake. It's so like most of the news from Washington that. I’Ve’ l>een expecting it every day,” mid Mrs. Spoopendyke overcast the aleeye,. with the serene conviction that after all you’ve got to patch a newspaper into a pattern to get at the actual facte sorhefl mes.