Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 37, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 June 1881 — MRS. JOSLIN’S BURGLAR. [ARTICLE]

MRS. JOSLIN’S BURGLAR.

BY MRS. ADELE M. GARRIGUES.

She bowed her forth caller oat politely and hurried up stairs with an unusual degree of alacrity; for she was a very social little woman and generally had at least a dozen things to say to her friends after the more formal adlux were over. This afternoon, however, she was preoccupied in manner and when at liberty, bounded to her rooms like an elastic cord suddenly loosed from long tension. Her mother observed her unusual manner and following her came upon her suddenly and found her engaged in a novel work of reconstruction. She had aa entire suit of her husband’s clothing and at the moment of her mother’s entrance was just completing her work of art by securing a ur tippet underneath a countenance m amilwctn red of charcoal on a groundwork whose gaathlinees made It something to remember. - She had just fastened the bristling beard in place and drawn back to gaze somewhat admiringly at the result of her own handiwork when her mother’s sudden exclamation surprised her. “Augusta Joslin! what are you doing?’’ ‘ “Making home attractive,” said that lady, demurely; then she sat down, not gracefully, in a chair, I am forced to record, but dumpilv on the floor, and dropping her chin to her receiving hands—-you all know the attitude—she gazed attentively on her Knight of the Mustache. • “Won’t it be funny?” she said, and then she explained, but not■ so definitely aa will be necessary to acquaint my readers wUk the exist! g state of affairs in Mre. Jodiu’s family. She was a nice, cheery little woman. The heart of her husband imposed iu her so entirely that he never thought it necessary to spend all his evenings at home to see her. Indeed, the largeness of his liberality in this respect was something more bountiful than Madam Agusta was prepared to enjoy. She would have been more than happy could she have had a large portion of the society of her liege lord. His intensions was doubtless of the very best, but be was the creature of circumstances to a wonderful degree, and it filled his wife’s brain with amazement, and her heart with grief to learn how many friends he had who were liable to be taken suddenly ill, and in consequence, to require his fraternal care for the night. Then there were lodges and various other devices to waylay unsuspected husbands and keep them from their peaceful homes. After due consideration of all these facte our little mad m resolved upon a plan, whose efficacy she was now about to try. After she bad built her man, she allowed his comely figure to repose on the floor until the gathering dusk should permit her to station him just outside of the door which opened on the second story veranda. • She then attached a small’ strong cord to the door knob, let the end pass and then thence to another room, where a dinner bell was attached, and then back to a point from which she could control it from her bed, her intention l«eing that the same movement which should also open the door would reveal the burglar. With these preparations completed, she went down to tea, with but little hope of meeting her husband, as it was not his ha -i| o trust himself to her society at that hour, unless willing to spend the entire evening at home. For three successive nights he had left her to loneliness, and entered at an hour when most she wished to sleep. And, as his entrance was not a ways a noiseless one she could not have done so had she been more indiflerent than she really was to the loss ol his society.. Twelve o’clock. One: and shortly after she heard the familiar step coming rather wearily up the stairs, and ten minutes later the deep, regular breathing which assured her that he was asleep. A little longer she waited, then rising softly she put on her wrapper and went to an adjoining room for a lamp Which was on this occasion to replace the gas. She had iust placed it where its rays would fall most directly on the apparently incoming figure. She was about to pull the cord which should open the door and reveal the coming man, when her husband suddenly awoke and asked in a startled manner, “What’s that lamp burning for?” then seeing his wife, “What are you up for? Is anything wrong?” There was but an instant for her to frame a reply which should cover the entire change which must now be made in her place; but she did it: “Oh, there’s nothing wrong, Mortimer,' only I’m so nervous I find it impossible to sleep, so I got up and have Been wandering around.” With these explanatory remarks she curled herself up comfortably on the foot of the bed, utew a little shawl around her shbulders and began telling him of the various incidents of the day. Ijjyery bit of gossip which had come to her during her morning walk and evening cails was faithfully recounted. She talked in her liveliest and most engaging style. She asked his opinion of this or that statement, iust as he thought she was about to draw to a close. She told him she had at last found that lovely little song that Mh«. B sang so charmingly, and then she warbled out the final strain, ending with a cadenza so stirring that her poor husband gave up all hope of immediate slumber, and began mildly to expostulate, r 7 “Now, Augusta, you’re a treasure! you’re an angel. You are Heaven’s best gift toman, if you will only let me go to’ sleep now. I assure you solemnly that iuall our journey down life’s hili' together,l’ll ” "Now, Mortimer, don’t! You’ve no idea now I’ve reproached myself for not making your home more attractive to you. I’m going to be a better woman hereafter.” “All right, my dear! but wouldn’t you as soon defer it until to-morrow morning?” "Procrastination is the thief ol time.” Mortimer! I’ve often heard you say, oncoming in late, that there are duties which will not admit of delay.” - , ' "Npw, Augusta, I’ll surrender at discretion and beg your merciful consideration. Be a good girl now. Kiss me good night and let me go to sleep.” That dreadful women turned her tempting little mouth to receive the Eronered kiss, and her deluded husand, acceping that as a “flag of truce,” rashly ran his mouth against a pin, '‘Thnnder apd blazes!. Are you an animated pincushion?” and with an indignant bounce he turned his face to”the wall, and snored resolutely. Augusta passed a few reflective moments in silence as she had done occasionally at a certain stage of a game of chess. She was evidently considering her next move. "Mortimer. Mortimer”! cried she in an excited whisyer (she had determined on .herplan fora checkmate), “Mortimer, hush! There’s some one in the house.” "Yes, I should think there was,” and then his wife crept closer tohim, apparently trembling in every nerve. "Tnere is, Mortimer! Please get up. dear!” . .. “Now, you've already accomplished what you wished to, I suppose. Probably hysterics will be the next card.” Entire silence for a short time. There are occasions when nothing is more effective. . _ , “Now, won’t you get up, Mortimer, and go through the house and then I will let you go to sleep, but I hear such a queer noise, and I have such

a strange feelingi 1 am sure there’s some one around.” u “I wish you would have a IttcM interval and go to sleep before it subsides. I’m tired of tiiis.” “So am I,” in a nervous, frightened tone. "Well, omne on! If you want a promenade, I'll head the procession, but you’ve g«>t to follow! No hangifig baek! Where do you want me to go?”> said the desperate man aa with lamp in one hand and pistol in the other, in all the classic simplicity of his noctunal attire, he confronted his trembling wife; “come on, I say!” ? “Go up the tower stairway,” suggested she meekly, and he went, “Now through the back chambers,” and he went, she following somewhat timidly, yet confidence In her husband’s prowess supporting her faltering steps. is that all?” as they turned from the unsuccessful quest. “Does the line of march halt here? If not, just lead on. General. Can’t give the military salute, you know, as both hands are foil.” ' “Just look out on the north veranda, dear, and then L won’t say another wora.” Agusta judiciously took the lamp at this Juncture, and fell back in order to leave her husband’s hands free for the dread encounter. He opened the door, he made a sudden upward and backward movement and he fired his pistol, and these all so nearly simultaneously that their order of succession would havo been difficult to determine. Some one fell heavily to the floor, but it was some one behind him. Had he shot his wife? He turned to see that Injured person in a little heap upon the floor holding her sides. He rushed to her! "My darling, have I killod you?” ‘Oh, no! I thing I shall get over it:* and then came an explosion which caused him to look again toward the door and see his burglar standing there calm and majestic, gazing at him with what seemed an air of mild rebuke. I think our special artist should have been at band Just then. The few minutes occupied bv Mr. Joslin in taking in the situation would have been fun of inspirations to one of genius. It was a tableau vivani where the full light fall on the central figure, and all the accessories were entirely classic and simple. Mrs. Joslin will always remember it. She said' she could have studied it longer had not Mortimer turned the light out so abruptly. There was no farther conversation that night, but Mrs. Joslin’s brief replies to queries,-regarding the firing of that pistol, led to an article In the dally paper heeded: “Daring Attempt at Burglary.” Mr. Joslin, absolutely refused to be interviewed in reference to it, but it was observed that he spent all his evenings at home for an entire week from that date. — Detroit Free Press. ' f' '