Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 May 1881 — THE DEAD LOCK. [ARTICLE]

THE DEAD LOCK.

Mr. Spoopendyke Fators His wfthaa larigfct Mb flu Seasferal Sitaatlen. “My dear,” said Mrs. Spoopendyke, holding a piece of laoe to her overskirt and wondering whether she had better plait it on or full it in; “my dearwnois this Congressman Lock who has just died ?” “What Congressman Lock!” asked Spoopendyke. “Why, I read in the paper this morning that they coold’t do any business because of the dead Mr. Lock. Didyou know him 7” “TTiat ain’t a congressman,” said Mr. Spoopendyke. “Yon read that there wss a dead-lock in the Senate, Wasn’t that it?” “Yea, and I read it all through, then I found that Mr. Conkling felt so bad about it, I thought Mr. Lock must be a Congressman.”. “No, he isn’t either. The deadlock means that the Democrats and Republicans can’t agree.’, ’ “Good gracious! have they had another fall out? I shouldn’t think the Republicans would fight the poer Democrats any more. What nave they been doing now ?” “They haven’t been doing anything. Senator Mahone, of Virginia, went over to the Republicans, and—” “I see,” interrupted Mrs. Spoopendyke, “and Mr. Conkling wont have him confirmed. Though I can’t understand why they should interfere with Mr. Mahone’s religion. If the poor man wants to join the church I—“Who wants to Join the church? Who’s a church? Think Mr. Conkling’s a bishop? Got an idea he’s an altar! S’pose ne’s a dod gastedchapel with ivy all over him. a spike fence and a chime of bells? It’s Stanley Matthews he don’t want confirmed.” “I read about him, too,” rejoined Mrs. Spoopendyke. “He's Mr. Garfield’s collector, isn’t he?” •‘No, he ain’t, That’s Judge Robertson Tor Collector, and Mr. Conk- j ling is opposed to him.” - “I don’t see why he should be. Though of course I should suppose Mr. Garfield would rather have a man ; like Mr. Mahons, who is going Into the church.”

“Where’s your sense?” snorted Mr. Spoopendyke. “What d’ye want to mix things np for? Trying to make a grab-bag of prominent Americans ? Stanley Matthews is a condidate for Judge. Mr. Mahone is a Senator, and Robertson is appointed Collector, but, like Matthews, hasn’t been confirmed. Can you see through that?” “Of course, I understand that, but I don’t see any excuse for fighting the Democrats, unless they think that Mr. Robertsons would collect money from Mr. Mahone, and Mr. Matthews would send him to iall. In that case in—” “In that case it would take you to straighten ’m out!” squeeled Mr. Spoopendyke. “What’re you trying to get up now, an idiot asylum? Are you planning for a murder and trying to get up an insanity plea? What d’ye think Robertson's going to collect, hens? Got a notion that Matthews is a penitentiary, sitting around to be leased? Imagine Mahone to be the national debt? Well, they ain’t, they’re men, I tell ye. Men with legs,” and Mr. Spoopendyke kicked out both his own root handles by way of illustration. “Conkling is opposed to Matthews and Robertson. He gays they Bhan’t be confirmed, but he is a friend of Mahone.” “That’s what I dou’t see,” said Mrs. Spoopendyke. “I am glad Mr. Mahone will be confirmed, though I don’t care for Mr. Mathews and Mr. Robertson. It will teach them to repent their sins and not fly into the race of- Providence. I’m glad Mr. Conkling is a good Episcopalian.” “Ohtne’sa prayer-book!” howled Mr. Spoopendyke. “Yeu’v found him out! You’ve got him! All he wants is a red cushion on a rack nailed up in front of him to be a dod gastea mourner’s bench! Didn’t I tell ye he was a Senator? Do you know what a Senator is? It’s something shaped like a pie, a measly pie! Understand It now?”

“And is Mr. Mahone a Senator, too?" asked Mrs. Spoopendyke, a new light dawning upon ner." “No he ain’t a Senator!” grinned Mr. Spoopendyke; “he’s a lightning rod to keep howling idiots from falling overboard. Begin to see into it? And they want him confirmed,so that if he finds any dod gas ted old female named Spoopendyke slopping into a canal, he’ll slam a church on top of her. Got the idea?" “Upon my word, my dear." remonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke. “you talk extravagantly. Mr. Mahone may fight Democrats, but he would never go around throwing churches at women. I don’t know Mr. Mahone. but I don’t believe he would do a tiling of that kind. As for Mr.-Matthews and Mr. Robertson, they know their business best, but if they have abused Mr. Conkling, I would never read one of Mr. Matthews’ decisions, and Mr. Robertson might call here every day for a month and he could never even collect the paper bill. I don’t think its right to trust such men to the contributiou box, and I know the missionary ladies would never permit him to collect the subscriptions."

“That’s it!" yelled Mr. Spoopendyke. ‘There is the science of governmen! All you want now is a saloon in the basement to be the National Capitol! What you need is a gas metre and a veto to be an improved White House! When Robertson comes here for the milk bill, you pay him, Jou hear? And when Mathews is ustice of the Peace for Brooklyn, you have Conkllng arrested for stealing coal, you hear ? That’ll fetch it! You’ve got tht idea now! All you want to do is to live all Summer in the soldier,s home to be a complete administration! If I had yeur vision I’d get up on three sticks and hire out as a telescope!’!

“Of course. I’ll do what you say," replied Mrs. Spoopendyke submissively, “and If Mr. Conkllng should take some of our coal, unless it was by mistake, I should certainly feel like complaining of him. If Mr. Robertson comes I will pay him, though the milk Is not as good as the first we got. Perhaps Mr. Mathews will fix that when he gets to be justice. Do you think that Mr. Mat tone will come too?" “Come!" shrieked Mr. Spoopendyke, “of course he’ll come. He’s liable to be here any minute He’s a burglar, I tell you, he may come over Si e back fence to-night. Look out for im—l think I hear him sow I" and Mr. Spoopendyke fell clear over himself into bed and pulled the olothes over his head. ~t “Now I understand why they have a dead-lock," mused Mrs, Spoopendyke, pushing the table against the door, as a precaution against the marauding Mabo is, and then examining a pimple on her elbow; “It’s because those ambitious Senators and Collectors and justices and burglars fight those poor Democrats i ell the time. I suspected there would ; be trouble when Mr. Garfield beat Mr. j Author for the Presidency'. For my 'part, I would rather be President

room in wnat ne wants of it, now he's sold oot the Worlds Fair.” and Mrs. Spoopendyke erawled into bed. wondering how she wee to tell Mr. Mahone from Mr. Robertson, and whether Mr. Conkling would be content with whet he could carry, or if he might not also demand her new chudda cloth dress, with cut steel buttons. —Brooklyn Eagle.