Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 December 1880 — His Solemn Warning. [ARTICLE]

His Solemn Warning.

“Yaas, there’s money made in stocks, no doubt,” said the old man, as he removed his hat and ran his Angers through his gray locks, “but it’s a reesky bizness; it's suthin' like bet. ting on whar lightning’s going to strike, with the odds in favor of hitting the tree you stand under.” “Then you never speculate?” “Never. I dig on the old farm, takin’ on crop with another, and pulling out stumps when I've nothing else-to do; and if I don't make many snakes I haven't anything to worry over. I had a purty solmn warning during the coal oil excitement, and it cured me o’ speculatin’.” “How was that?”

“Waal, I was a widower then; wife fell down the well and was drawed out as stiff as a poker. I had a big farm, lots of stock, and was called purty solid. We all got excited about ile, and all of us dug more or less holes in search of the stuff. All of sudden a widder living’ abeut two miles from me found lie In a dozen places on her farm. She was a widder with a bad nose, and built up like a camel. But when she struck ile that was a different thing. Old Deacon Spooner, who was a widower,got mashed right away. Our preacher, who had lost his third wife, saw the spec. I thought it over and concluded she was an angel. I guess some six or seven of us begun courtin’ that widder within sixteen hours after the ftrst sight of ile. I knew the procession reached from the gate to the house.” “And you got her?” “Not much I didn’t,and that’s what I’m thankful for. Somehow or other I couldn’t work up to the pint. That nose kinder stood in the way every time I was ready to pop the question. She acted like she wanted me, but Deacon Spooner got the best of us all, and they made a hitch.” “And what?” “Nothing, except she had dosed that farm with a barrel of ile, and thus got a husband and a home for her five children. When the news came out I was so cold along the back-bone that they had to kiver me up with a bossblanket, and since that time I haven’t had the nerve to buy eggs, at seven cents a dozen and hold ’em fora rise.”