Rensselaer Republican, Volume 13, Number 12, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 December 1880 — KOMICK KUTTINGS. [ARTICLE]

KOMICK KUTTINGS.

Made of awl work—Shoes. A narrow escape—A fire ladder. A cheap oountry seat—A stump. The butterfly never goes back on its grub. To step on a man’s corn goes against his grain. The dancing master is always taking steps to improve his business. Many a tramp would be thankful for cola ham, but none of them relish the cold shoulder. Our ancestors, the monkeys, couldn’t have been so ignorant after all. They were all educated in the highest branches. “Never mistake perspiration for InS'on,” said an old minister in his to a young pastor just being ed. An exchange says that dolls modeled after Sara Barnhardt are being imported. They can also be used for crochet needles. “What does a woman want to put on gloves in hot weather for?” asks a male subscriber. Why to keep her hand in, stupid. Every printer is a galley slave.— [Yonkers Gazette. Yes, ana his wife Is the gal he slaves for.—[Boston Commercial Bulletin. A printers wife always puts the baby in “smallcaps.”—New York News. Does it not depend upon the “capital ?” —Hartford Sunday Journal. Money can’t hire the Chinaman to talk through the •? telephone.—[Free Press. It can’t hire anybody to talk through ours, when he’s wanted.— [Philadelphia Bulletin. The man who died game was never known to quail.—Boston Transcript. No; but he woodcock his gun at tne wrong time, and now he his an angel without a snooting jacket.

The writer for the press always has two chances. One is that his matter may be crowded out for want of room, and another is it may go in for want of something better in its place. The fall poets should chip in and erect a monument to the man who invented the names of the months. Whete would they be if he had not put in September to rhyme with remember. “What do you use your fingers for when you blow you your nose?” asked a Galveston gentleman of a bootblack in front of the News. “Do yer expect me to blow my nose witli my legs, say?” When an Indian doctor has lost five patients, the survivors of the tribe send him after them to see what has become of them. After all, the Indians would lose some advantages by civilization. We see by the Milwaukee Sentinel that Daniel Webster died i wenty-eight years ago. The Milwaukee papers are constantly hunting up some fresh sensation item like this, and springing it upon the unprepared public. A Chicago paper asks: “Will the coming man use both hands ?” If the coming man is an editor and he is bored much with lightning-rod agents and steel pen peddlers he will not only use both hands but both feet also. This is reliable.—Norriston Herald.

The other day a boy on South Hill yelled so loud that he loosened all his hair at the roots, and when the frightened neighbors rushed in to see what the murder was about, they found lie was only calling to another boy, tsanding only half way across the street. In a few short weeks the jolly mariner, Thompson, will be • rovej of the deep no moie but it will be years before he gets over the habit of giving liis trousers a hitch at the back and using such expressions as “Dash me tarmy scuppers {’’instead of such landlubberly terms as, “Drat it.” Habits once formed cling to a man. “I beg your pardon, sir,” said one of the three men who entered Dovey’s store at Mercer’s Station, Ky., “but will you please hand me the SSOO out of your safe,” and he politely leveled a revo ver. “Sorry to disoblige,” Dovey replied, “but there isn’t a cent there,” and he affabl opened the safe for them to see The robbers made a thorough search and withdrew. Everybody has heard of the Jolly Dutchman who, when the steamboat was likely to sink, succeeded, after much trouble, in finding a life-pre-server large enough to fit him. While he was trying his best to blow it up a young fellow standing by said! “You can’t fill that witli wind; it leaks. Don’t you hear it siss?” “Ish dot so?” hereplied. “Veil, I dinks, den, I petter keep de vind in myself.”

A man who will be “tired to death,” and feel his faltering legs give way under him in utter exhaustion after he has walked up and down the room with ten pounds of baby and a ton of colic for half an hour, will hand them over to his wife, and go down town and walk around a billiard table till two o’clock in the morning, and then be astonished because the other man wanted to go home “so early.” A correspondent of the Norriston Herald wishes to know “How to keep Dutch cheese from spoiling ?” He got the following reply: “It is the queerest notion! Why, Dutch cheese is never sold as on article of food untill it is spoiled. It may be subjected to a process by which its flavor can be increased to the distance of two or three miles, but that would only im-' prove it. The only way to prevent it from being spoiled is to stop manufacturing it.”