Rensselaer Republican, Volume 12, Number 52, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 September 1880 — FUNNYGRAPHS. [ARTICLE]

FUNNYGRAPHS.

One good turn—is as much as you car expect from a cheap silk. The day wore on. Well, what did il wear? Wore the clothes (close) of th* day, of course. A poor sick man, with a mustard plaster on him, said: If I should eat • loaf of bread I’d be a live sandwich. Young women often keep their loven by tears. “Yes," says Grumwig, “love, like beef, is preserved by brine." “In the bright complexion of my youth I’ll have no such word as‘pale,’” and with tiie complexion of an angel she reached for the rougebox.

A lady wishes to know the best way of marking table-linen. Blackberry pie is our choice, although a baby with a gravy dish is highly esteemed by many. “Can I give my son a college education at home ?” asks a fond parent. Certainly. All you want is a base-ball Guide, a racing anell, and a package of cigarettes. A young lady wrote some verses for a paper about her birthday, and headed them “IfsyUO.” It almost made her head turn gray when it appeared in piant “My 30th.” “Time Will Show,” is the title of an editorial in the New York Tribune. Perhaps it will, but just now St. Julien is doing the showing, Time not having won a race this season. Now that Rowell has walked and Tanner has starved, the next contest will be between two fashionable young ladies, who will test their strength by seeing which can wear her spring hat the longest A cynical exchange charges that a Boston high-school girl remarked on seeing a fire-engine work; .“Who would have believed that such a diminutire looking apparatus could hold so much water.” The Philadelphia Herald says that the women of that city are busily engaged in getting up political clubs. They are about two feet long, and only appear on parade when the husbands of the women some home late at night An English servant girl who had returned from the United States to visit her friends at home was told that she “looked really aristocratic,” to which she responded: “Yes; in America all of us domestics belong to the hire class.”

The following letter was received by and undertaker recently from an afficted widower: “Bur—my waif is ded. and wonts to be berried to-morrow at Woner klock. U nose wair to dig the Hole—by the said of my two other waits—let it be deep.” The young peasant women of Alsace, says a writer in the Revue det Deux Mondet, refuse to get married, and wish to die old maids, because “they miss in their lovers the polish which the latter formerly secured by associating with French soldiers.” You constantly hear sentimental young ladies warbling at the pieno that there are no birds in last year’s nest And it is strange that no practical, common sense business man ever comes to the front to remark that there are not any in next year’s nest, either. There are now positive assurances that the bicycle “meet” at the state-fair in Detroit this monthwill be a larger gathering of bicyclers than has ever before been held west of New York. The full arrangements will be completed in a few days, and it is hoped every amateur wheelsman in the state will be present A funeral procession at Oxford, Ind., found itself without a minister when the grave was reached. After an embarrassing delay, a ragged tramp, who was passing by on a railroad track, stopped, announced that he was a clergyman, and, the mourners consenting, proceeded with the services, conducting them to the satisfaction of al!. A Welshman was on exhibition in London for some days as a faster. He was to forfeit SSO for every day he tasted food, during two weeks. A watch was organized, and the public were admitted on condition of purchasing drinks. The man made a strong attempt to carry out his undertaking, but after six days he fell from the sofa in a state of coma, and only revived when fed. Pretty prattler (after the wedding breakfast—departure of the happy pair). Child —“Why do they throw things ai the pretty lady in the carriage F’ Young lady—- “ For luck, dear.” Child—“And' why doesn’t she throw them back?” Young lady—“Oh, that would be rude.” Child—“No it wouldn’t. Ma does!” Pleasant for ma--and pa—who overhear, and know that others overhear also.

In the coming days of woman suffrage; •‘Our candidate has risen from the humblest walks. . When but a little girl, picking huckleberries, barefooted, too poor to own a sun-bonnet, she reads Homer’s ‘Odyssey’ in the original tongue. What do we see her now!" A voice: “The same homely, freckled, saucy thing thing die always was; so there!” Meet ing breaks up amid great confusion and tearing of hair. Isn’t it funny. The man who has about 47 hairs growing on bis face is always possessed to wear a full beard, and goes about with a countenance like a thinly settled huckleberry pasture, while the man that can beat Aaron of old clean out of sight with a full beard, shaves close twice a week, and the rest of the time his face looks like a sheet of No. 4 emery paper. They are each reaching for the impossible, and miss it by a hair. The editor laid his half-smoked cigar on the table, and the candidate, dropping mto talk matters over, perched himself on the table and sat down on the real Connecticut Havana. By and by he sadly slipped off his high seat. “You are not lukewarm in my cause, anyhow,” he said plaintively. “Ah, no,” replied the editor, encouragingly, “the old fires are still burning.” And then a great hush fell upon the busy sanctum, such a profound silence that for a minute you might have heard a gum drop.