Rensselaer Republican, Volume 12, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 September 1880 — FUNNYGRAPHS. [ARTICLE]

FUNNYGRAPHS.

The cooks at the Saratoga hotels have formed a base ball dab. Their pitcher mast be ware ot a broken nose. All rooths are not fitted for a college education. It U not best to make a onestory brain to cany a three-story education. The Boston Globe says that a promising yoaog hone in Sooth Boston has bten j Miwn Dr. Tanner, in hopes that it will j make him fist. There is one Brooklyn girl at Coney Island who refuses to wear those immodest abort skirted bathing dresses. She has crooked limbs. It is sad to think that so many wall meaning nnd naturally joyous spirits are compelled to go through life without owning n steam yacht

The difference between s bull-fight and a full bite is this: The tetter isa mouthful. and the former isn’t what It is cracked up to be by «jugful. A faithful brother in a Fairfield, lowa, c' arch recently prayed for the absent members who were ‘•prostrate on beds of sickness and chain ot wellness.*’ He was from the mountain side, and was buying his first glass ot soda. M I wish you’s skim off that skump, boat; I ain’t paying tor no froth, you bet” Don Piatt say 8: “From the recent terrible marine disasters we are led to decide that water is becoming more dangerous to human life than whisky. The Concord School of Philosophy should explain to an eager public why it is that an ordinary buzs saw will step out of its way to seize a colored man. When an up-country conductor struck in a smoking car a boy puffing ablg cigar aad the lad tendered him a half-fere ticket, it rather took the railroad man’s breath away. A “sleeping girl” has just awoke in England after a nap of sereral weeks. No doubt her long sleep was only a ruse to compel her mother to wash the breakfast dishes. If some first-class public speaker will oome here and take the stump, and take it clear out oi the state and keep it there until the campaign la oyer, he can draw on us for a dollar. While moving a log recently, Milo Persona, ol Northfield, Conn., found himself suddenly covered from head to foot with hornets. Want of space forbids the publication of his remarks. Guest at restaurant to waiter, having a complaint to make: “Bay, waiter, where is the proprietor ?” Waiter, with a fond and pitying smile: “Do you think he dines here ? The boss knows too much for that” Laoouchere says that not more than one weman in fifty knows how to stand properly. This is a base libel, as every one knows who has seen bow graceful woman la when she clings to a strap m a crowded street car.

The ablest way in which to disguise a peach is to inclose it between two crusts and try to call the combination a “pie.” It spoils the peach, mid as for the crusts, tbs man who invented them spoiled the flour when he did it ■ “Shon,” said a Dutchman, “you may say what you please pout pad neighbors; I have bad tovorst neighbors as never vss- Mine pigs and mine hens come home mit dere ears split, and todder day two of them come home missing.” “Don’t.you think the weather is very humid ?” said Miss Fitzjoy, as she leaned on Mr. Toplofty’s arm. “Weally, I cannot say. I always, aw, go in when it wains, aw.” “Then be does know that much,” said she, in a very low aside. The last piece of rustic laziness encountered by out-of-town correspondents is that of the man who, being asked what ailed bis.eye, answered, “Nothin’; I shut it coz I can see well enough with one. Sometimes I shut one, sometimes t’other.” One day a rich banker said pompously, in the presence of Dumas the elder: “All artists must be hard up, 1 fancy.” “Oh, sir.” said Dumas’ deprecatlngly, .“that la making a sweeping assertion. It is as if I should say. ‘All bankers must be idiots,l fancy.’” A paity of scapegraces meeting s pious old man named Sampson, one of them exclaimed: “Ahl now we’re safe! We’ll take Samson along with us; and then, should we be set upon by s thousand Philistines, bell slay them sill” “My young friend.” quietly responded the old man, “to do that I should have to borrow your jaw-bone.” “Hope spring eternal”—lrish landlord in distressed district who had paid compensation for not receiving his rents and was sinking his capital in draining works and otherwsse “disturbing” his tenants: “Well, Pat, I hope, with a good harvest, we shall gist on without au this ‘relief’ next season.” Pat (an optimist): “Och, plase heaven, your honor, we’ll have another bad year yeti” A patent medicine advertisement reads thus: “When a lethargic feeling pervades your system; when you have a disinclination to move about; when you have an abhorrence to exercise, your liver is inactive.” This will be glad tidings to many people who have always thought they werelszT when they felt that way. Now they will know that it was only their liver that was lazy. It was a talkative Englishman who was bragging ot what superior things they had in the “hold country,” to everything here, and it wax a serious-faced Yankee who said, “Well. I will allow that there is ooe thing in England bettor than we find here, —there is a much better class of Englishmen there.” It took the Englishman'half a day to discover that the remark didn’t convey a personal compliment.