Rensselaer Republican, Volume 12, Number 31, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 April 1880 — HUMOROUS. [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS.

Beggars description—the story of a tramp. A bird in the hand is not worth two in a cage. . Young woman, never elope unless your mother knows your route. The hen finds out the man who robs her nest. She is always laying for him.— New Orleans Picayune. The bee and mole are too tenderhearted to look upon suffering. They alwmyfi turn their bade when they strike. —Boston Transcript. - Cincinnati is called the Paris of America, because the first sounds, yqp hear on entering it are We-we! —New York Commercial Advertiser. The last words which would have gone down to history as the dying utterance of the Czar would have been: "Well, Tm biowed.’’ —Oil City Derrick. A St. Louis lecturer calls his lecture "Around the Horn, 1 * although there are a very few men in that city who go around a " horn.” They approach it fearlessly and seize it by both dilemmas.—Nonristoum Herald. Chvw oarameia, with false teeth in; Untie /our aaoea with mitten* on; Throw bowers away, and try to win; Take paaeage when the train U gone, You may do off of these, indeed. And'twould be nearly as surprising As 'twould be, if you should succeed In business without advertising. There is no dependence to be placed on some men. A Wisconsin man agreed with a crowd that if they’d get him ugly drunk he’ take a stick and fight a cross bear, and after they’d liquored him up be wouldn't do anything but nit on a barrel and sing: “Pm bound to be a butchsr, by blazes, or die.”—Milwaukee Newt. _ 1

General Franklin Pierce was op posed to the Hon. Natt Hubbard in some cause in a New Hampshire oourt. The General’s strong point was his influence over a jury, and in this particular case the eyes of every juryman were suftused with tears by bis pathetic pleading.' Mr. Hubbard, in a gruff voice, said, in his reply: "Gentlemen of the jury, understand that 1 am not boring for water." 1 And this opening completely neutralized the effect ot the General’B eloquence.— Harper's Drawer. The Mayor of a French village refuses his authorization to an itinerant quack who wishes to sell his wonderful Elixir of Life, warranted to cure corns, tbothache, consumption, liver comfjlaint, rheumatism and boils, and equaly available as a cement for broken crockery, an insect exterminator and a leather preservative. His Worship is afraid that the vaunted panacea may contain noxious drugs. “ Oh, there is no danger of that, your Excellency,” says the quack, assuringly; "nothing in it but cold water/’ "1 beg your pardon, then,” says the Mayor, signing the authorization; " I was afraid there was some fraud about it, you know.”— N. Y. World.