Rensselaer Republican, Volume 12, Number 13, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 December 1879 — SENSE AID NONSENSE. [ARTICLE]

SENSE AID NONSENSE.

Won’t the combing man be a barber? Sharp practice—Learning to strap a razor. - An angry man should pull down hit eholer.. A chasm that often separates friends —sarcasm. The saw-mill runs to the tune of a logarythm. The route to the coal-bin is a hod road to travel. Before marriage a girl frequently calls her intended, “ her treasure,” but when he becomes her husband, she looks upon him as “her treasurer.” Bboad is the road that leads to debt. And thousands walk together there; Prompt payment find* * narrow rut. With here and there a passenger. Toronto Graphic. Whatever one may call it before dinner, no right-minded person would speak of Thanksgiving Day as a “ hollowday” after dinner.— Philadelphia Bulletin. A Boston woman cut her dress from a pattern in a magazine dated 1878 before she discovered that it wasn’t 1879, and it took three doctors to tide her over that long, lonely nigh t. A young lady who didn’t admire the custom in vogue among her sisters of writing a letter, and then cross-writing it to illegibility, said she would prefer her epistles “ without an overskirt,” The housekeeping expenses of the Sultan are 910,000.000. But then it must be remembered that he pays for his plumber work by the day, and keeps a Newfoundland dog whose appetite couldn't be better. Daily trimming, says an exchange, is the best way to secure a satisfactory light from kerosene lamps. This process also contributes immensely to the moral luster of the average small boy.— Cincinnati Gazette. A deaf mute used the new audiphone —“ Can you pay me that five dollars?” —these were the first words he heard. “ I prefer to remain in my original condition,” he said, sternly, and threw the audiphone out of the window.— Buffalo Express.

Lord C , whose popularity was not excessive in the Scotch town of A , having refused an importunate beggar, she renewed her applications with; “Now, me lord, if ye’d just give me one little sixpence I could treat every friend ye have in the town.” The baby of the Mayor of Stafford, Eng., is rocked to sleep in a solid silver cradle, but it wakes in the night, kicks off the covers, rattles the old man with his howls, and makes him take up his son and patrol the floor with him until two a. m., all the same as though it went to rest in an old trunk-lid on slab rockers. “It is so hard to be a widow!” cried a French lady who had just lost her husband. “Wednesday is my recep-tion-day, and generally I have a great many calls; but yesterday I was compelled to keep my room and weep all the time.” “Ah!” was the reply, “don’t say anything against widowhood. I myself have just married a widow, and the clothes of the first husband fit me like a glove.” Let a boy place his stockings in an iron chest as he goes to bed and lock them in with six padlocks, and in the morning one stocking will be found under the bed and the other on the stairs.— Detroit Free Press. Drop two shirt-studs while you are undressing, and-on the following Sunday one wul be found behind the parlor sofa. The other will drop out of the lining of your hat two years later.— Cincinnati Commercial.

If a pail of water be placed within six inches of either side of the stem of a pumpkin or vegetable marrow, it will in the course of the night approach it, and will be found in the morning with one of the leaves on the water. If a prop be placed within six inches of a younw convolvulus, or scarlet runner, it will find it, although the prop may be shifted daily. If, after it has twined some distance up the prop, it be unwound and twined in an opposite direction, it will return to its original position or die in the attempt.— -lowa Slate Register.

A very rich old man had married a young wife, and died suddenly, on which the widow raved like a maniac, and exclaimed to the doctor, who stood by the bedside of the deceased, “ Oh, I’ll not believe that my dear partner is dead; he could not die, and leave me! No, no! he’s alive—l’m sure he’s alive! Tell me, doctor, don’t you think soP” «•* Madam,” replied the medical man, with much gravity, “ I confess that it is possible that he may be revived. I will apply the galvanic battery,?’ “ Oh, no, no!” cried the grief-stricken widow. “Hard as it is to bear my fate, I will have no experiment against the law of nature; let him rest in peace.” “Do you think we shall have a storm, Mrs. Goodington?” asked the young parson, politely uncovering his brain-lx>x. “Well, I don’t know, Mr. Prooftext,” replied the old lady; “ I don’t know. Darniel was just saying that them circus clouds looked rather omniverous. Darniel, you know, has just gravitated at the Universalist, where he studied gastronomy and all about the heavenly consternations. Why, Parson Proof text, if you could hearthat boy talk—jest like reading, too—about apple-trees and Pericles, and then them roly-poly-aliases, you would only have to shut your eyes to think you was in a sort of visionary.” And the good old soul closed her eyes, and seemed to have really gone off in a “ stupid,” as she would call it.— Boston Transcript.