Rensselaer Journal, Volume 12, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 June 1902 — Our Man About Town, [ARTICLE]

Our Man About Town,

Discusses Sundry and Other Matters.

One of the worst gags yet is now going the rounds of the town, but like some of our friends we have pledged our sacred honor “never to blow it,” and we never will. . ■* * We heard this old chestnut the other day. A young man said, “I am one of them kind of fellers who is always willin’ to learn.” And a bystander suggested that he seemed to have room to learn. *** A man was asked the other day if he had gone on the excursion to Indianapolis, and he said: “No, sir. They didn’t view my countenance in Indianapolis Sunday.” Which reminded us of an undertaker saying, “You will pass this way to view the remains.” « * A wife who was having a little family fuss with her second husband the other day told him there never was but one man and that washer first busband. And husband No. 2 told her that he did not wonder, when he hears her talk, that the “only man is dead.” * » A primary teacher was demonstrating the primary method of teaching and she had a lot of primary scholars to show her method. The subject was a duck. Among other things she asked what kind of feet a duck has, and the usual small boy piped up, “I know what kind. They have cobweb feet.” ¥ M Because a parasol a woman was looking at was too high priced, she asked for a cheaper one, and the little girl who was with her said to the clerk: “Dolly, can’t you give us an easier one ?” And why is that not logical ? Isn’t it an “easier” one we want when we want a cheaper one ? * & We heard of an old woman the other day who tells about an early lover of hers whom she would have married if bis trousers had not bagged so at the knees. Therefore, young men, be warned of the importance of having your trousers properly pressed. You may be entertaining angels unawares. • » - •* » * A woman in this town is proud of herself and of her boy, because she has trained nim table manners, and among other things she taught him never to leave the table without excusing himself. That is a real nice thing to teach a boy, but it sounds rather amusing now, that he is grown and married. People wonder who will teach him now to excuse himself when he goes to leave the table. A man asked what an agent was selling in town. He was told she was selling “Beacon Lights.” He inquired further what they were, and he was told that it was a new kind of street light that burned gasoline and gave a very bright light. And tlie queer part of it all was that the fellow believed it. He -is looking for a chance to examine the “Beaeon Lights,” a new kind of street lamp. Hr » * A man in a neighboring town took his little boy to church with him last Sunday for the first time. Instructing the lad about his behavior he wotmd up by telling the boy to keep an eye on him and do just as he did. When the contribution box was passed papa dropped in a coin. Tommy saw his father’s hand go into the box and, remembering the advice, put hie hand in also. Wbe> the box

had passed by the lad whispered loud enough to be heard all over the church, “Say, pop, I got a quarter; how much did you get?” *»* During one of the heavy night storms recently one of our citizens stepped out on the porch to get some article of household furniture that had beten left there. As he stepped out a gust of wind slammed the door shut, and as it was equipped with a spring lock he was locked out. Just then it began raining cats and dogs, but he could not get back in out of the weather without going clear around by the back door through the pelting rain. This is not much of a story unless you also know that he had on not a thing but his night shirt and a thirty cent halo. Besides the rain was falling regularly and playing pin? pong on his nether extremities, otherwise known as his legs. He says he never knew before that he was such a sprinter. * ■»

The day will soon be here when the people of this rising young republic will stand first on one foot and then on the other and listen to three hours of red-white-and blue oratory on the birth of freedom while their hearts are stirred, and their coat tails are shot off by fire crackers. The Fourth of July, the greatest of holidays, especially for the undertaker and the man who sells wooden legs, is coming, bringing with it cheers for the grand old flag and the man who catches the greased pig. The American Fourth of July celebration this year will be conducted in accordance with the usual programme. In the forenoon the exercises will be opened with a selection by the Hayseed brass band, after which the chairman will read the Declaration of Independence with a rising inflection. The orator of the day will then speak a kind word for the government after which dinner will be engulfed. Immediately after dinner the Hayseed brass band will give a concert to all who have the heart to listen, after which there will be a greased pole climbing and other patriotic exercises. Let’s celebrate