Rensselaer Journal, Volume 11, Number 52, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 June 1902 — Our Man About Town. [ARTICLE]

Our Man About Town.

9 Discusses 1 Sundry t and ) Other ■ Matters.

There is a woman living in Goodland who has used the same needle in sewing for the past forty years. Bro. Kitt, of the Herald, should interview the old lady, for there is surely a good story attached to one so thrifty as she. # * i. 4 A colored brother who was expounding the gospel to his little flock, and vividly describing the plaoe of the damned, concluded his discourse as follows: “Bredderin and sisterin, it has been asken how hot is hell, an’ I woods ay dat if you took all de wood in New York state, an’ all de coal in Pennsylvany, an piled ’em all in a heap, an’ poured on dat all de ile in de world an’ set it on fire, an’ den took a man out of hell an’ put him into dat burnin’ mass, he would freeze to death. Dat’s how hot hell is.” j * * * “You see,” said the despondent man ! who was sitting on a barrel, addressing the grocer, who was spearing the top of a biscuit case with a cheese knife, “some people has good luck and some people has bad luck.” I remember once I was walking along the street with Tom, when he went down one side of it and I went down the other. We hadn’t gone more’n half way down when he found a pocketbook with fifty in it, and I stepped on a woman’s dress and so got acquainted with my present wife. T’was always so, added he with a sigh: “that Tom was the luckiest man in the world and I never had no luck.” I* Ifc * Teachers who require written excuses for tardiness from parents of pupils sometimes receive very amusing notes. Here are a few speoimens: “Dear Mr.—Please excuse James for lateness, I kneaded him for breakfast.” A second note reads: “Please forgive Bill for being tardy, I was mending his coat.” The third excuse goes more into details, but is none the less interesting: “Mr. Sir, my Dick had to be late today. It is his bizness to milk the cow. She tkicked Dick in the back to-day when he wasg’t lookin or thinkin of her actin; so he thot his back was broke, but it ain’t. But it is black and blue and the pane kept him late. We wud git rid of that kow if we kud. This is the 4th time she has kicked Dick but never kicked him late before. So excuse him for me.” A boy absent for half a day laid the following explanation on his master’s desk: “Dear Sir please excuse Henry. He went to grandpa’s funeral with me this afternoon. I have been promising him for several weeks that be might if he was good, and he has been very good and I didn’t want him disappointed.” * * * An exchange says that a patent medicine man living in a town south of Indianapolis on the J. M. & I. railroad, is soliciting the printing of school programmes for high school graduating classes, famishing them very cheaply (in appearance as well as in price) and placing his name and address on the announcement page. This is presumed to be only the first step in a great enterprise, and that next year the programmes will be furnished free, provided the merits of his great life saving remedy is interlined on the programme. For instance: < Declamation—“ The Thingness of the Therefore.”—Bill Sikes. How’s your liver ? Try Sockem's cure. Essay—“ Will age increase onr knowledge? ’—Dinah Shad.

Sockem’s Early Risers are the best for that tired feeling. Oration—“ Did Homer do it, or was it a conglomeration of talent?”-Henry Achilles. Sockem’s brain food strengthens the mental faculties. Essay—“ The Journey to the Tomb in Detail.”—Sam Jones. Sockem’s kidney cure will grow a new kidney in a man twentv-four hours after he is dead. Try it. Presentations of diplomas and samples of Sockem’s remedies. What a program this would make, to be sure. But this is a world of new ideas and devil take the fellow that hasn’t got a “pull.”