Rensselaer Journal, Volume 11, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 May 1902 — Our Man About Town, [ARTICLE]

Our Man About Town,

• Discusses 1 Sundry \ and ) Other Matters.

As far back as I can remember it has been my lot in life to bite at all the “sells” that came to town. I have chewed on th6m till my teeth are worn off smooth up to the gums. In fact I have become so used to chewing that kind of stuff that my system hankers for a dose every once in a while. Somehow the boys have singled me out as an easy proposition and I am always permitted to try my teeth on a new joke. Only once in my short existence have I refused to bite and the results were painful. When I was a mere lad I had a brother. I have him yet. One day at the table he baited me good and strong. I refused to bite, however, for the simple reason that I had been chewing on the same gag all morning and wanted a change. It so enraged my brother that I, of all people, should refuse to be sold, that he jabbed me in the eye with a pickle castor and twisted my deep blue optic around until I can look into my left ear and see my brain work. Since then I have never refused to make sport for the joke reeler. Only last week a man met me on the street and asked me if I had heard the story of the man who poured a quart of buttermilk into his overcoat pocket ? Of course I hadn’t and told him so. He told me between laughs that it hadn’t leaked out yet. I have been thinking about that considerably since and I can’t see anything particularly funny in it. In fact I rather sympathize with the man because he had no more sense than to pour milk in his pocket. I suppose the milk must have frozen in there, so it can’t leak out. Anyhow, I don’t see why the fellow who told me about it should have laughed so dinged hard. Another fellow met me over in the postoffice the same day and asked me if I knew why all yellow dogs wore collars around their necks? I said I reckoned I did. “Well, why do they?” he asked. “So they can be tied up,” I replied. The man laughed, and everybody laughed, and I laughed. I felt tickled because I had for once answered correctly. My joy soon died, however. A particular friend of mine told me a few minutes later that the reason a yellow dog wears a collar around his neck is that he has no other place to wear it. I can’t see for my life why this should apply to yellow dogs any more than any other kind, but I guess it does. When an idiot asked me if I knew what Queen Victoria took her pills in, and I told him in water, he informed me confidentially that she took them in cider (inside her). I think the fellow must have lied. Whoever heard of a woman taking pills in cider? Especially a queen! Bah! But that isn’t nearly as foolish as the man who told me that the reason old maids always wore woolen mittens was because they had no bids. I don’t see what that would have to do with wearing—Oh yes, I do, tool I wish to state here that I have stood about all of this sort of things I am going to stand. I’ve been sold on everything that ever came out, and up to the present instance I’ve never registered a kick. But I’m kicking now. i;don’t care a ding what’s the difference between the Prince of Wales and a brick cheese sandwich, and if you want to find out you’ll have to ask somebody else. I don’t know why a miller wears a white hat, nor why a cat always lights on its feet when it falls. I don’t know why a woman is like a printer, and if I did I wouldn’t tell. Neither do I know the difference between a lover and a photographer, because I’ve hever been either and don’t intend to be If you

want to know why an elephant is like a brick bat, or the difference between a man up a tree and a man in a well, you’ll save time and trouble by not asking me. I know, but don’t intend to tell. The fact is, I’m done forever with the cruel jokist. The very next man that comes to me and in a seductive voice asks me why is something or other, will find the laugh is on himself. I have fully made up my mind to kick the caboose of his overalls until his teeth rattles so his wife will think it’s a deuce of a hailstorm we’re having! Furthermore, the story of a precipice may be a bluff, but this isn’t. It’s truth, straight from the shoulder. V Rev. Meads has had his full share of funny experiences, and when he begins to tell of his evangelistic work he is sure to relate a number of funny happenings. As our readers are aware he is n ow taking a course of religious study in Chicago and to better prepare himself for evangelistic work he helps in mission work in the slums of the city. The other night he was addressing an audience in the Pacific mission composed of the lowest element of society in the city. Some were attending in hopes of becoming converted, but the majority of the audience had dropped into the meeting out of curiosity or to find a few minutes rest. On the front seat half asleep sat a drunken, dirty speciman of humanity who surely needed redemption. Rev. Meads, in closing his talk, referred feelingly to the death of Christ, but instead of using the word cross he inadvertenty used the word tree. At its close a young man in the rear of the audience got up to testify. He referred feelingly to the remarks of Bro. Meads, and spoke of the latter referring to the death of Christ on the cross. At this juncture, the drunken man on the front seat, muttered in a voice plainly distinguishable to all present: “You’re a liar, he said tree, not cross.” Rev. Meads and his wifej could scarcely refrain from bursting out laughing, but somehow managed to restrain themselves until the meeting was over. # «

On another occasion when himself and Rev. Mcßride were holding a revival at Marion they were bothered considerably by those of the audience in the rear standing up in the seats to see over the heads of those in front. They finally made a rule that no one should stand on the seats and strictly enforced it. During the meeting one of the giants advertising the Arm and Hammer brand of soda dropped into town and attended one of the services. He took a seat in the rear and when the audience was asked to stand during a song service, the giant arose with the rest. Bro. Mcßride soon noticed him towering over the heads of the audience, and thinking he was an ordinary man standing on the seat, in thuhderous tones commanded him to get down. After giving the command, to which no attention was paid, two or three times. Rev. Mcßride strode to the rear of the bouse to enforce his command. When he saw his mistake he looked as if he would have sold himself for a nickle and his downcast looks convulsed the audience with laughter. * *

Sunday an old couple had guests for dinner. The head of the house had dressed up for the occasion and all was going nicely as the various courses were being served, until his wife, standing back of him, serving the guests, noticed that he had put on his “biled” shirt with the bosom at the rear. Thinking that the joke was too good to keep she notified him of his mistake and 7 the laugh that followed worked up a good digestion for the courses that followed.

Get your strawberries, ice-cream and cake, at Warner’s building next door to Harris’ bank, day.