Rensselaer Journal, Volume 11, Number 45, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 April 1902 — Our Man About Town. [ARTICLE]

Our Man About Town.

I Discusses 1 Sundry \ ~d j Other I Matter *

A couple of grown up, supposedly sane men nearly had a row the other day, about a measly, mongrel dog that was not worth the powder to shoot him. It doesn’t take much excuse to make some men want to quarrel. * •• A preacher said he had overheard two men talking in the street and heard them saying about a prominent church member that he was such an awful liar that one would not believe a word he said. Maybe they could not have noticed it if the man had not been a great professor, which is queer, but it is human nature. • • * A man in this town is so low down mean that he sent his mother-in-law a valentine, and yet every chance he gets he spends Sunday at her house and enjoys her meals greatly. w * * A young man in this town is good only for one thing and that will not earn him a living. He is the best checker player in town. Aman in this town likes to tell in every young people’s meeting how he carries his religion right into his business, yet his workmen say he is the biggest crank on earth.- They must not knowre.igion when they see it. * * *- A little girl in school was asked what a famine was. Or, rather, the class was asked, and one little girl’s eyes brightened with evidence that she knew. The teacher asked her to define and she said: “A famine is a man and his wife and a lot of little children.” If that is not enough to create a famine we do not know what would be.

“Children,” said the teacher, while instructing the class in composition, "you should not attempt any flights of fancy, but simply be yourselves, artd write what is in you. Do not imitate any other person’s writings or draw inspiration from outside sources.” Asa result of this advice 'Johnny Wise turned in the following composition.* "We should not at tempt any flights of fancy, but rite what is in us. In me thare is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples, one piece of pie, one stick lemon candy, and my dinner.” * « Here is a story that J. W. Adam-*, editor of the Columbia City Post, tells in the last issue of his paper: On one of my pedestrian tours in Illinois I stopped at the farm house of Andy Failor, an old friend. He was glad to see me or said he was. After talking a little while he took a pitcher and started down cellar after some cider. At the head of the stairs he slipped and went, rattlety bump, clear to the bottojn. His wife ran to the door and called out, "Oh Andy ! did you break the pitcher ?” “No,-1 didn’t,” yelled back Andy, "but I will I” Then I heard the pitcher smash; also heard some very choice four-story profanities. I got no cider'

How peevish and exacting some fellows are I Here is an Auburn man who wants a divorce for no other reason than that the light-hearted, joyous wife of his bosom recently within a period of a few weeks struck him with a mop handle, pulled out by the roots the starboard side of bis mustache, punctured his abdomen with a fork, decorated his features with a plethoric pumpkin pie of the model that "mother used to make” and then put a subtle finish upon her work by choking him while he was peacefully dreaming of the delights Of an Eveless Eden. The most unintelligible feature of this affair to the playfnl wife is that the husband has a foolish lawyer who has declared that, in his opinion, there is no doubt butthat a decree of divorce will be speedily granted. * * * As Brown took the vacant chair the barber treated the company to an eloquent wink and a now-gents get-ready-to-smile kind of a look. "You must find that impediment in your speech rather inconvenient at times, Mr, Brown.” “Oh, has his p pe-peculiarity. Stammering is m-m-mine; what is y-yours ?”

“Well really, Mr. Brown, I am not aware that I have any.” “W which hand d-do you stir y-your tea with?” “The right hand, of course.” “W well, that is y-your p-peculiarity; most p people u-use a t-tea spoon.” The man who has a good and industrious wife has reason to get down on his knees three times a day and thank God. A good woman can bring more sunshine and happiness into a family circle than a gold mine or a barrel of cider, and can make all around her happy and contented as well as being the same herself. The nearest to heaven that a man ever gets on earth is when he can go home to the bosom of a family where peace and happiness reign and where discontent and turmoil enter not.