Rensselaer Journal, Volume 11, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 November 1901 — Page 3

THE TIME TO LAUGH.

SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. rh#i Suburbanite and the Burglar — Definition of Indian Summer —When Women Gather—Sou. e Juvenile Jokelota. BURGLARS AGAIN. The wife of a respected citizen of Evanston woke up the other night, and pinching her husband’s arm, whispered : “William! William! Get up quick! There are burglars downstairs. Listen!” William sat up and listened. There was a racket as of somebody falling aver a chair in the dining-room. William’s mind, by this time, was slear as to the presence of burglars, but he was not sure that it would be censible for him to go down among them. Burglars are unreasonable people. and the gentleman knew it. He bad heard of burglars who had killed men for merely asking awkward ques lions, and he didn’t see how he could go downstairs then without giving offense. As a compromise he got his revolver, held it out of a window and fired. This brought a neighbor hurrying up to find out what was the matter. “Burglars!” said the man with the gun. “Run for the police.” The neighbor ran with all his might to the nearest telephone, and in less than an hour several policemen arrived, ready to sell their lives as dearly as possible. After they had broken into the house —the gentleman upstairs considering it his duty to remain there and protect his wife—it was found that about a dozen square feet of plaster had fallen from the ceiling of one of the lower rooms. There is to-day a Respected citizen of Evanston who wishes to have it distinctly understood that he would have been willing to go downstairs and look before firing his revolver if his wife had not been afraid to remain alone while he took his life in his hands. —Chicago Record-Herald. SHE NEEDED HIM BADLY. An old mammy, who had known Governor Taylor of Tennessee from his childhood came into his ofllce and began at once to plead for the pardon of her husband, who was then in prison. “Laws bress yo’ life, Marse Bob,” she began, “I wisht you’d pahdon dat po’ ole niggah Jim. He ain’t no good for nuffin’ nowhar. He jest dat useless an’ triflin’, even at home, dat he aahn do no mo’ den sorter scrape aroun’ an’ git a little sompen for we’all to eat, an’ he sholy ain’ no good down dar in dat pen.” “I can’t do it, aunty,” the governor said. "I am being abused every day What's Jim in there for?” he askfed, seeing the little light that was left dying out of tne old woman’s eyes. "W’y, Marse Bob, dey jes’ put him in dar for nuflin’ ’pon earth ’cept takln’ one po’ little ham outen Mr. Smith’s smokehouse. We was outen meat, an de ole niggah didn’t do nuffin’ ’cep' tek de ham fur ter keep we’all sum starvin'.” “Well, now suppose I should pardon Jim, what good would that do you? He is so onery and trifling,” the governor was saying, when the old woman broke in with the reply: ’’W’y, bress you, Marse Bob, we is outen meat agin, an’ we jes’ got to have anothah ham!" THttEE TIMES AND OUT. Mrs. Fosdick was sure she beard the crash of breaking china in the kitchen, but she felt she must be mistaken when she entered and saw the joyous face of hqr cook. “I’m so glad Oi’vp broke it, mum,” Bridget said, brimming with delight. Why, its one of my best cups,” said Mrs. Fosdick, surveying the remains. “Yes’m„” added Bridget, cheerfully, “but Oi’m so glad it’s done. Ye see, I broke two of'’em before, an’ I knew Oi’d have to break another before Oi quit, an’ it’s a great comfort to have it all done;’’ “Well, see that you don't begin on another three,” said Mrs. Fosdick. sternly.—From the Detroit Free Press. nothing serious.

She—What is that harsh, rattling vi>ration next door? He—Oh, that's only a family jar. “rNJUir SUMMER." Here is a Georgia boy’s composition on “Indian summer”: “Injun summer is the best season of the year, ’cept switnmin’ time. The days are so still you kin hear dad swearin’ two miles off, as well as every lick ma hits him with the broomstick. The reason it is called

Injun summer Is because they ain’t no Injuns in it, ’cept them dad sees when he comes home from the store with two gallons of apple brandy an’ says he reckons he knows who la boss of the household, an* no woman on earth can rule him. Let us all be thankful for Injun summer and be good till after Christmus.”—From the Atlanta Constitution. WAS HE THE RIGHT PARTY? A letter was received at the postoffice in Washington directed to the biggest fool in that city. The postmaster was absent, and on his return one of the younger clerks informed him of the receipt of the letter. “And what became of it?” inquired the postmaster. “Why,” replied the clerk, "I didn’t know who the biggest fool in Washington was, so I opened it myself.” “And what did you find in it?” inquired the postmaster. “Find?” replied the clerk. “Why. nothing but the words, ‘Thou art the man.’ ’’ ELUSIVE FAME.

Mildred —They say that great poet never rises before noon. Madge—lsn’t that strange! Do you remember which of his poems made him famous? Mildred—His “Lines on Seeing the Sun Rise.” HER INDIGNATION. Where two or three women are gath ered together there is sure to be some conversation about servants. The following is the substance of one housekeeper’s recent experience, as detailed in one of these conversations: An East End hostess had invitations out for a small luncheon, but on the morning of the eventful day her “help” departed, heartlessly and unanimously. There was nothing to do but to impress into service the wife of the janitor of the flat and induce her to act as waitress. It was her first experience, in this sort of household duties, and the effect was to surprise her and render her somewhat indignant at tne doings 01 society. “D’ye moind what Oi had to do, Pat?” she was overheard saying to her husband. “Sure, an’ Oi didn’t moind waitin’ at all, if they’d let me do it roight.” “Wouldn’t they let you do it roight, Norah?” he asked, with concerned interest. “Sure, an’ they Wouldn’t. They wouldn’t let me fetch the things to ate all at once an’ set ’em on the table. Oi had to bring ’em in one at a time! An’ after Oi brought ’em in they wouldn’t reach for the things! 01 had to pass around to every leddy at the table. Och, but the way they wasted time. They might have got through an hour sooner. The ways of these sassiety folks is beyant me!” But Pat sympathized with her and agreed that there had been a great waste of time.—From the Pittsburg Commercial Gazette. HER DOLLS HAD MEASLES. An amusing story is told of Queen Wilhelmina when she was quite a little child. Her majesty was not allowed to share dinner with the elder members of lae royal household, but was permitted to make her appearance at dessert and place herself beside some particular favorite. One day she sat by a courtly old general, and after eating some fruit the little girl turned and gazed up at him. Presently she exclaimed: “I wonder you’re not afraid to sit next to me.” * Everybody in the room turned at the sound of the childish treble. “On the contrary, I am but too pleased and honored to sit next to my future queen,” replied the old general. “But why should I be afraid?” Assuming a woebegone expression the little queen replied: “Because all my dolls have the measles—they’re all of them down with it!” JOKELETB. New Disease. Employer—Well, Mike, I hear that your brother is dead. What caused his death ? Mike —I am not that sure, sor, but I believe it’s called autopsy of the brain. A Puzzler for Patsy. Little Patsy—Oh, ma, here's a big knothole in the floor. Come and look at it. Mother—Whist, now, Patsy, darlln', I’m that busy I can’t come. Bring it over to me, Patsy, an’ I’ll look at it. Patting; IwiJ Temptation. Minister—Why, Herbert, I’m surprised! You are not going fishing on Sunday, are you? Herbert No, I ain’t; I’m only takln' this pole away to hide it, so’s my brother won’t be tempted. A hypocrite is like the letter p— 4h« first in pity and the last in help.

When Yon Order

Baker’s Chocolate or Baker's Cocoa examlue the package you receive and make sure that It bears the well known trade-mark of the chocolate girl. There are many imitations of these choice goods on the market.. A copy of Miss Parloa’s choice leclpes will be sent free to any housekeeper. Address Walter Baker & Co., Ltd., Dorchester, Mass. The druggist who sells soothing sirup is guilty of taking hush money. To Cure a Cold in One day. Take Laxative Bromo Quinine Tablets. All druggists refund money if it fails to cure. 25c. You never miss the political orator till the “bar’l” runs dry. Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup. For children teething, softens the gurntt, reduces In* flsmmstlon, allays pain, cures wind colic, me a joule. The child who is seen and not heard remains to be seen. Have you seen Mrs. Austin's new dress? Souvenir cups are the latest fad, the Jewelers say.

PRINCESS VIROQUA, M. D. Endorses Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound After Following Its Record For Years. “Dear Mrs. Pinkham : Healtfi Is the greatest boon bestowed on humanity and therefore anything that can restore lost health is a blessing. I consider “Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound as a blessing to State and Nation. It cures her mothers and daughters and makes them well and strong.

XX fcSSßji Vug VIROQUA. Practicing Physician and Lecturer. “ For fifteen years I have noted the effect of your vegetable Compound in curing special diseases of women. “I know of nothing superior for ovarian ' trouble, barrenness, and it has prevented hundreds of dangerous operations where physicians claimed it was the only chance to get well. Ulceration and inflammation of the womb has been cured in two or three weeks through its use, and as I find it purely an herbal remedy, I unhesitatingly give it my highest endorsement. —Fraternally yours, Dr. P. Viroqua, Lansing, Mich.”— $5000 forfeit if above testimonial is not genuine. If you are ill do not hesitate to get a bottle of Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound at once, and write to Mrs. Pinkham at Lynn, Mass, for special advice; it is entirely free.

HEAL ESTATE. . BARGAINS ,n , So “ t ’» Dakota Farms. For barunilUHin J gain. In South Dakota farm landa write or call on W. L. PALMER A CO., Carthage, South Dakota. We offer Investor, choice t% farm loana (guaranteed) >t par ami secured interest. FARM SALEi OR My wso-mandieo * „ acre highly Improved black loam toll fann«, all bargain,, S 5 and 42 mile, from Chicago onC.4N.-W.itj. Wisconsin Division. Buyer, only, answer. Am owner. P. J. DOLAN, W* 48th Street. Chicago. ILLINOIS FARM fob sale cheap , . 800 Acres, 4« miles from Albuty, Whiteside County, mostly level, rich black soil, about 2SO acres under cultivation, will sell all or part for sto.eo per acre. All well fenced, good Improvements. Towndsun ft Nutter,Mollne'lU. WE HAVE SOUTHERN FARM and TIMBER. LANDS of all grades FOR SALE on very liberal termo, write o« about what you want and we will set It for you. VALLEY UNO AND COLONIZATION CO., No. 89 Porter Bldg., Memphis, Tenn. * FARM, owners wanting cash purchasers send full description of farm, bkynolds, ns us.n.st.,chir«*» FINE ts^^rss^ss^s: NORTH DAKOTA LANO S Dakota and get a home on easy terms, we can sell you . home so your yearly payments will be leu than you pay for rent. For prices, terms, crop reports, etc., address NEFF ft ItOTHEK, Devils Lake, N. Dakota. financial. ~ snLuMsnsiADrTOTL The greatest millionaires got their .tart In oil. Do you wiant to make money, too? The Callfoml-t Consolidated Oil r-unpany owns fourteen wells yielding o|h and contr s some of the best oil fields in three different States. Stock Is offer'd at 25 cents per share, par *I.OO, and Is .n absolutely safe Investmeat. Dividends have been p.ld monthly alnc. July on Treasury stock at the rate of 24 per cent per •nnum on present price. A few shares will make you rich. This la positively the last offer of this stock th.t will ever be msde to you at this price Write W. H. Sherrod ft Co., Flsc.l Agent., 116 Nassau Street, New Tork, for prospectus. References. B.nken ft Mercantile Agency, New Tork: Riverside bank, New York; American Express Co., Bakersfield, Call MISCELLANEOUS. HOW TO se,L*5 e ,L* S’ 00 Rn f * lle **l72 Inches for LY, »°<V- For particular*, address, G. R. Smith ft Bon, 8809 Calumet Ave., Chicago. FOR R®f' IV J5 BE,> PRICES on Idaho Red ■ 80 feet » ntl *horter. telephone poles, S« Hhtain'rr w uruts **** Lexington Avenue, New York. OUR SPECIALTY Advertising agents for Mall Wu vrsviffhl I Order business at home. We atari you right. To Insure success advertise with us. Our terms are right. Write us for particular*. WALTER D, HOWARD CO,, issmsDearborn Bt.i Chicago COR SALK. Rntlra or part lnterestln U.S. Patent ■ “Window Attachment.” Cheaply manufactured. Make offer. Address. R. G. Ru»t«>n. Ohlcstgo. TFI FfsRMDHY Absolutely Free Instruction to • khUHiiarn I Ml pupinenrolling now; Investlgate ns. CMssgs Mwl et Tslsgrspky, Ml Pssrkeva SC “Cl IRg'C Iswmt CIfTIM ovggruiw nXTCU." wLnUA d Flushes sediment and stale water oat from bottom, good water ksl*. Tk* VsnasT’sHaadySaW, simple, cheap, durable; ksst e» —arksi. Address with atamp. THK ai.srv m— » ro r—> —,, n -. NO GUESS NEEDED. When you weigh on A Jones 800 Lb. Scale FRICK *8 00. FULL PARTICULARS. JONES <H* PAYS THK FREIGHT.) Binghamton, k. y.

Buys Horses by the Pound.

D. P. Simpson, a horse buyer in northwestern Kansas, has adopted a new plan of buying horses. He pays so much a pound. Good drivers are quoted at 11 cents per pound, farm horses 10 cents and ordinary plugs 5 cents. The percentage of water is 80 in plums and grapes, 82 in apples, 84 in pears, 8G in oranges, 90 in lemons and In wniormolnnc

ana in watermelons. ©...CURES... FISTULA. POLL EVIL In 4to 16 week*. When Juki forming usually curt® without discharging, in four weeks. Humane and easy to give. "Hue, 50 eta. By mall, 60 cts. Treatise fiee upon application CLOUSE & STAMM, demists, 23 State St„ Qeneseo. ill TO INU IBS TORS I Money Invested in Sheep and Cattle In Montana Is •ate and pays SO per cent. A small Investment now (rows Into large flock In few years. Write forparMeu'ajs MONTANA 00-0 I‘KRATIV R Ranch co., oreat falls, hunt. DROPSY NEW DISCOVERY: given ■ quick relief and cures worst cases. Book of testimonials snd to path' treatment ruut. on. u. u. uKuut’S sou. a*s e. ah»,u. uL

Fr EEP'TOBACCOTAGS I NOV. 3O™ I „ FR ° M I 19020 I —X-T~ R” ■- — 1 @s® “HORSE SHOE* jtlll “SPEARHEAD” Sggy "STANDARD NAVY’ 1398£!$ 1 1 ~ a.. ’!’• yi I PIPERHEIDSIECK’ || I bootjack” <r w' 'DRUMMONy NATURAL LEAF I ulSf “OLD PEACH&HONEY” uTL. AW “NOBBYSPUN ROLL |P S 5 l s n.,JP\ MIL 1 “iat ivTi n” ‘T’""'"""' u sDi JOULYTAR IJ W\ r/SMMe tteo 4k 17 KT IS I (CTT —r.r UlifUlULll I WI3I 2 Gmmuiwist Tags being equal to one of others mentioned. c/T 0 wjpY&ui •Master Workman,” “Sickle,” • Brandywine,” I II taos may bb assorted in securing presents. Si 1 fouiuiN ren jos tacs. MN wuy ■ ma™ (Q Our new illustrated *><*** 1 ygll -Jgjfc, CATALOGUE OF PRESENTS I| j I Jill will include many articles not shown here. It will contain the f W/fISdT I T mo »t attractive List of Presents ever offered for Tags, and will /l/ W # ff A vlx be Bent by maa on recci P t postage—two cents. £ M 4 lf / \ (Catalogue will be ready for mailing about January xst, 1902.) lyj p f || omn ecr _ ° ur offer of Presents for Tags will expire Nov. 30th, 1902. I Write your name and bMum plainly on outside of packages . § containing Tags, and send them and requests for Presents to C. . Hy. BROY 'N, ll /• MM»r. I

SOZODONT TOOTH POWDER Tht bast that Money and AEc Experianco ean produce. At all stores, or by mall for tlio price. HALL A RUCKEL, New York. •> IVsat—sat ■fl, Fhelp* Urown'i Great Kemedy for W » 1 Y?ptlep«v anti all NrrrotiaDtaeasps. Addreaa •b MUU* BROWK. ttH Uruftl.iy. Kawbwsh, R.r. / A BANKRUPT BANKER grouutl near where our Company it at work. Tho ’US panto left him owing over IIU'.OoaUU. He hat paid his debtt and has a WU.’.UlW.d.i inti e besides. We own three tluiet the property be duos. A smelter la building nuw for our ore. You onn join us at a small COM and double your money. Address, J. K. Ml BUS, Kmerprlse Block. Denver, Colo. HANDSOME American lady, tndepeud hu?b?nd o^l!;j,^ K^ l k l aXt t, St.^a£orra t Eya Water

- - AGENTS. Finn Cu,rMl self Adjustable Skirt System rillo vCIIOI Cuiß all sUei of skirts Including Bounce# Can uae without Instructions, *4* raaHarea st..t Circular Dlatrlhutora, eb.M per luuo; incn-e atamp. Parisian Chemical Co., Newport, Ky, Annnts Fnund- N#w M : me ? Makerlo,uuoßoldln MinRSCIIIO IUUIIU ueupolla; Mllllous will ho sold; coals 1. tolls for ««. Sample outfit 10., address Donieatic Mfg. Co.,(t'kw»lit Pspi.) Mlnncapolla, Minn. Lad? to Trarel J"* 1 Cull,ut *“ this State for msnuLBU| iu 118,61 facturcr; salary a to. 00 monihly to begin, send references and addressed envelope at once. Secretory Macllratly, Htar Dlilg,, Chicago. Asents Wanted Alway. annemlng now. Just the "o B,us HOHlon articles you need for the Holidays our agents coining mnuey, eell every where, uu trash. Write at once for particulars. Mlt'MHt t'n.Y OO.Ckleite AGENTS MAKE $500.00 PER MONTH TO rights for my smokeless gunpowder. Patented.Cun be ma<le for lOoperlb. NJvery hardwnro nture will buy the •nop right. Greatest money ninker on oartb. rariloulan» free. J. A. ktu.VNskY. Pukwana.B. liakota. Agents make $lO Dally SSS w. , JL. ,a-tr,,ct,onB * * ent for 100. Cull or write I.KoN MFtl CO., 188-IHB Dearborn Street. Uhle.auro. HI. BIBLE STUDY MADE EASY. The Great Tree Chart gives the whole plan of rfo deniptlon In a Iwautlfin Tree. Price, e.’.tio. Agent* wanted. H. L. HICRT, Mnrlon, in,liana. IjANVsaaiißH and agents wanilug asldo-llne, write Dr. w Hnssoy, 211 Cherry St.. Toledo, 6., for particulars. AGENTS ! BEND is CKNTS for the 11 1 ° 1 BUST SELLING ART 10LB 5?.V.I our mo “*) r back If not sal lulled. Address CHAB. L. ARCHBOLD, Pccßtur, Ind. |3| I lIM Habits. Specialty 30years. Free —w ■ ■S# IWI Trial. Dr. Marsh, Quincy, Mich;

First, Last and Only Charge The Barbouravtlla A Cumberland Valley Gas A Oil Co., main offlt e 111 uetleld. West Vft., ovw leaaes on O.OUO acres In Knox and Whitley Countlea. Kentucky, the reccpnlaed oil baaln of Kentucky, aiof which la ptoveo oil territory. Oil ba« l>oen atruolc and eatlmated r.o to no barrels per dav on adjoining lands. UlTbilKH only short dlatance from our property. Wo own latest and boat machinery, but need money to drill wels, lienre for 10 daya only, wo will sell wood “hurt s aiock, par value *I.OO paid up and non-asaeaa-able for u eenta per share. WK GU AIIANTKE TO BTKIKK OIL Oil REFUND MONEY. Make remltiauce to K. T. OLIVEU, Seoy. A Treasurer. Qnyeetlgatloa requested.) Mluefleld, W. Va. HOWE SGALES BEST ga'jggjl AIL KINDS FOR In The World ALL PURPOSES ViSe —-- Ctuioir. The only ncalo with ball bearing?. BORDER h SELLECK CO.tiSafoffRension Waililniftou, Ik C. Successfully Prosecutes Claims. ,ate Principal Examiner U. R. Pension Bureau, ra.ln civil war; 13 adjudicating claims; atty.alnce •on OO PROFIT MONTHLY by Investing SSO **'*■—•" to SIOO. Reud for plan. uurlkx übjua* fOarART, 54.15.r7 leakers, lit-lil Ls 8.11. It., t'klng^ W. N, U. CHICAGO. NO. 47, 1801.~ When Answering Advertisements Kindly Mention This Taper.