Rensselaer Journal, Volume 11, Number 7, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 July 1901 — Our Man About Town, [ARTICLE]

Our Man About Town,

Discusses Sundry and Other Matters.

A Rensselaer woman whose chief assets are a husband and a number of dirty children has a mania for stealing house plants. Starting this spring without a single plant she now has quite a collection, some of them of the rarest kind. Many a neighbor has awakened in the morning to find one or two of her choicest plants missing. What the woman intends to do with her stolen property when cold weather sets in, the Lord only knows, as it is a bard job to keep herself, husband and children from freezing when the temperature gets low. «> * * Every poor farm should be located near town, so the people may see what they are coming to if they continue to waste their money away. * * * ' ! A Rensselaer mother has found the only successful way in which to control her son. She found that whipping, threats and punishments of the usual kinds had no effect on her 6-year boy, so she made a Mother Hubbard for him and when he is bad compels him to wear it. All that is now necessary is to show him the dress and he becomes the best boy in town. * * * Every few days some apology for manhood with more or less brass than brains jumps up with an essay on girls. This abominable class of literature always begins with a sneer and ends with a kick. A distinct flavor of sourness permeaes it. The genuine girl is absolutely unessay. able. Nobody understands her; she doesn’t understand herself. She is a delightful bundle of contradictions. Wise as a serpent, she is as innocent as a sucking dove. She is as modest as a violet and sweet as a barrel of molasses. She is as rosy as a winter apple and as plump as an Indian summer partridge. She knows something about the piano and lots about making biscuit. She is tender with her sweetheart, and sets the dog on the other fellow. She is an armful of delights, and blessed iB the youth she takes into partnership in wearing out the sofa. She is a daisy and a dumpling and in all God's great creation there is nothing worthy to be named in the same breath with her. * *

While in a public hall the other evening wo noticed the following sign on the wall. “For heaven’s sake don’t spit on the floor.” This reminds us of a tramp who came to a farm house and said to the woman: “For God’s sake give me something to eac.” The woman gave him a piece of dry bread, remarking; “I give you this for God’s sake.’’ Then the tramp remarked: “Then for Christ’s sake put a little butter on it.” If these hall managers won’t let us spit on the floor will the holy angles please stand aside while we spit on the clouds? * » * This is Josh Billing’s definition of a square man; The square man measures the same each way and hasn’t got any crookeu edges or cheap lumber in him. He is free from knots and sap and won’t warp. He is clear stuff, and I don’t care what you work him into, he won’t shrink. He is amongst men what good, kiindried boards are among carpenters; he won’t season-crack. It doeent make any difference which side of him you come up to, he is the same bigness each way, and the only way to get at him any how is to face him. He knows he is square, and he never spends any time trying to prove it. The square man is one of the best shaped men the world has ever produced. He is one of them kind of chunks you can’t alter to fit the spot, but must alter the spot to flt him.” V A young man, 27 years old, in this city, has advertised in a matrimonial paper for a wife. He gives as his address, X. Y. Z., Box 1101, Rensselaer. On the face of facts it doeen’t seem that X. Y. Z. has good sense, for surely he must be difficult to please if he can’t find in Rensselaer a suitable wife. There are scores of lovely girls in this city and any number of them are old enough to get married. It may be that the man whose object is matrimony is testing the value of advertising, and is anxions to And out just how many women would accept him without seeing him. If it is really necessary for the young men of Rensselaer to advertise for wives, the city’s bachelor list is not to be wondered at.