Rensselaer Union and Jasper Republican, Volume 8, Number 38, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 June 1876 — The Philosopher in the Detroit Police Court. [ARTICLE]

The Philosopher in the Detroit Police Court.

It is seldom that a philosopher gets drunk, or it might be safer to say that it is seldom a philosopher is alresteff ing drunk. The officers got hold of one yesterday. Long hair, seedy clothes, one boot and one shoe, no collar and a profound look. When Bijah opened thedoor of his cell and beckoned him out, the philosopher inquired: “Why do men degrade themselves to the level of the brute creation?” “ Don’t ask me any conundrums,” gasped the old janitor, wiping the sweat from his face. “Here I’ve worked like a nox all the morning, and now I’ve got to fool around for an hour with you drunkards.” “ The human body is said to be a machine,” continued the vid man, “but—” But Bijah walked him out. “ Been to the Centennial?” asked his Honor. “ What has the Centennial to do with transmigration?” inquired the philosopher. . - ' That’s where he had the Court on the hip. “ Fermented liquor is said to degrade a person,” continued the philosopher, opening his hands. “They say so because it stupefies the brain, unstrings the nerves and relaxes the muscles. Doesn’t death produce the" same effect? Therefore, drunkenness is death, and death is urunk1 -■ “I understand,” ifbserved his Honor. “ You intend to put in the plea that you were dead instead of drunk.” “ Perfectly, perfectly,” bowed the old man. “ Well, the law covers both cases. If you were drunk it is a punishableoffenae; if you were dead, l ean legally dispose of the body. What do you say to sixty days in the morgue?” “The human system is made up of bones, muscles, cartilages, lime, salt, leather, iron and several other articles,” replied the philosopher, avoiding a reply to the question. “ Your system was mostly made up ot ..vduskjUaet night,” answered the coiirt, “and having danced you must now pay the fiddler.” “ Theoretically, practically, "virtually and directly, I’ll not pay any fiddler one red & nt!” bluntly exclaimed the philosopher. ' “Ah! you jump from philosophy to sass!’’ remarked thecourt. “ Even ifyouwere a philosopher I should send you up. There’s more philosophy than clean shirts nowadays, and it is my candid opinion that a good smoked ham will outweigh all the philosophy from Newton’s time down to yours. 1 make it sixty days in the icehouse for you.” “ Speaking of ice,” slowly answered the old man, “canyon inform me why the aet of freezing purities water?” “ I can inform you that you had better go into the corridor anil take a seat,” was the decisive answer, and the philosopher 'was seen astride bf the blue saw-horse.—-Free Press.