Rensselaer Union and Jasper Republican, Volume 8, Number 38, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 June 1876 — A Cool Suicide. [ARTICLE]

A Cool Suicide.

When a man has determined to commit suicide he should make preparations coolly, so that nothing likely to contribute to his comfort may be neglected. A person has to die but'once; and, when he has the means at command, and has made up his mind to use them, it is best for him to shuttle off this mortal coil gracefully and easily. Mr. Joseph Higgins, of San Tran cisco, thinking that he had outlived his usefulness as a benefactbf' to man" kind, went down to one of the wharves of that city and made ample preparations to give up the ghost. Fastening to his body a miscellaneous assortmenfofolfl iron, Io insure speedy drowning, he was about to plunge into the water, when a sudden thought for a time deferred the fatal act. Anxious that his friends should not be compelled to spend their money in advertising for the/missing man, or in giving a reward for the body, life’fastened a“rope to his person, ope end of which he attached to a pier. Once more he prepared for the fatal plunge, and once more a happy idea delayed the dreadful act. The dying words of eminent men of all ages have been chronicled, and why not his? The last expression he left was the simple but forcible word, “Pull!” This he inscribed in conspicuous letters upon a card, fastened the card to the snore-end of the rope, and a moment later .the miscellaneous collection of old iron and Mr. Joseph Higgins were at the bottom of the river. But his death was not so easily accomplished as he anticipated, as the sequel will show. Some hours later, as an inquisitive policeman was prowling around that wharf, he saw the card containing the last word of Mr. Joseph Higgins. If it had been a whisky bottle, perhaps the policeman would have been as prompt tu obey the request. However, he proceeded to “ pull,” and soon after pulled Mr . Joseph Higgins to the wharf alive and kicking! The water was shallow where fie.had jumped in, and the rope was too short and the old iron too heavy to make further exploration toward deep water easy or possible. Consequently his “ last moments” proved too numerous and lengthy to a man determined to gooff suddenly. While waiting for the tide to rise, he changed his ipind, and resolved to postpone his first appearance in a tragic part. But the iron held him to his engagement and he could not stir. Fortunately, the policeman came in time to be of great assistance, and Joseph Higgins, much wiser since the frustration of his attempt upon his life, was hastily escorted to the lock-up, where he will be'allowed ample time to note the difference between a prison cell and a watery grave.—W. Y. Weekly. An effective sermon is one that hits that man in the next pew.