Rensselaer Union and Jasper Republican, Volume 8, Number 37, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 June 1876 — VARIETY HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

VARIETY HUMOR.

—Compound addition—adding insult to injury. < —Bonnets of coarse straw, known as “ peasant’s straw,” are fashionable. —The spring excursion and pienje crop is verv backward in Lake Superior. —An astonishing case of respiration: the shoemaker who breathed his last. —A Franklin (Pa.) girl says she would rather be a dozen widows than one old maid. —The man who makes himseTf ridiculous prevents many others from becoming so. —The spring style of hand-organs nas only one stop. It begins in the morning and stops at night. —The supposed reason why they call a sensational report a “canard” is becaufiu One canard-ly believe it, you know. —The New York papers are discussing the incapacity of the Philadelphia hotels and the liebility of their landlords. —Dog gone it, ma,” was the way little Freddy, three years old, described the theft of some meat by a strange dog. —Now doth the little onion Poke up its little head. And the restleni little raduti Stretch in its little bed. —Dom Pedro is anxious to meet the poets of America. So were we—before we went into the newspaper business.— Worcester Prut.

—Judge: “Have you anything to offer to the Court before sentence is passed on you ?” Prisoner :“No,Judge. Ihad ten dollars; but my lawyers took that.” —After a recent post-mortem examination some Connecticut physicians reported that “there was nothing the matter with him.” Tired to death, probably. —At this season, the question which interests a boy is not so much whether his life will be crowned with glory and honor as whether his new summer vest is going to be made out of his father’s old trowsers. —A father, bent on instructing his three-year-old son, said: “If you had three apples and should give me one, how mauy would you have left?” “I wouldn’t do it, pa,” was the prompt reply. —Customs crystalize rapidly in this hurrying age. Only a few years ago when a man slipped on an orange peel he merely swore profusely and passed on. Now he gets up with a cheerful smile and sues for damages.

—Recently at a wedding when the clergyman asked the young lady, “Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband’” she, with a modesty, which lent her beauty an additional grace, replied, “If you please.” —Somebody asked a young lady the other evening if she didn’t think the serial literature of the country was at its best just now. She said she did, decidedly; there were the loveliest patterns in Harper's Bazar she hod ever seen. —A grumbling old bachelor, after listening to the following, “She was her mover’s own little darlin’ wopsy popsy deary ducksy, so she was, an’ she mus’ keep still,” asks, “why don’t women talk some decent kind of English to their children ** —Lady—“ Now, Mr. Snapper, as I saw you at church iast Sunday, tell me what you thought of our new preacher?” Snapper—“l think he would lie a first-class martyr at the stake.” Lady—“ Why sc Mr. Snapper?” Snapper—“ Because he is so very dry.” —“Miss Smith, does a cormorant eat strawlierries“Lawme! nochild. What put that into your head?” “ ’Cause ma told Sarah not to bring out the strawberries aud cream until that old cormorant, Miss Smith, had left.” About ten minutes afterward, that child and his mother went up into the attic and played “ peas hot and peas cold” for nearly an hour.

—A blind boy, who was taken into an elevator for the first time in a Cleveland hotel, the other day, set up the most terrific screaming when the elevator began to rise, and would not be pacified until it was stopped. He explained that he supposed he had been misled, and was being taken down into the dissecting-room of a medical college to be used as a subject. —A good story comes from Rome, Ga., and is told by the Courier of that city. A party of gentlemen having sat down to dinner, one of them,. Col. Waddell, was asked to say grace, and, bowing his head, said: “Lord, make us honest and rich.” An editor who was present promptly responded: “Amen. Give the Colonel the former, and Thy humble servant the latter, as Thou seest we need, and do it quickly:” —There is often pathos in an advertisement, especially where the navigation interest is on the wane. A Chicago newspaper prints the following: “Any lady whose husband is bringing lumber to Chicago, and who.can induce said husband to pay more than starvation rates to a 150,C00-feet vessel, can iearn of something to my advantage by applying to me on the Lumber exchange docks. Father of Five Children.” \ —A carpenter on Ida Hill, who has the misfortune to be permanently lame from an accident received in the prosecution of his trade some years ago, has a dog which is Iris almost constant companion. This dog, although perfectly sound “in wind and limb,’’ invariably limps when in company with his master, but at all other times is as nimble and frisky as a colt. Whether it is a case of sympathy—fellow feeling for a fellow being—or not we cannot state, but respectfully submit the case to scientists, assuring them that the story is strictly true.—2'rey(AT. K) Budget. —She went to a drug store, asked for a three-cent postage stamp and offered a ten dollar bill in payment. The busy clerk couldn’t make the change. She asked “Whereshe would be likely to get it,” he Said “probably next door.” She thought it strange that he could not oblige her she said, “he couldn’t help it.” Then she flounced out, came back and offered a two dollar bill. “ Could they not give you something smaller,” he inquired. “ I did, not like te a-k him,” was' the answer. “Then why in thunder do you bother me?" said the irate man. “ Ohl that is another matter, I bought a three-cent stamp frdin you.” A cat witlt a litter #of kittens in the englfle-hcuse of the Lowell Railroad, East Cambridge, Mass., has adopted .a , haltgrown wharf rat into her:family, arid the rodent appears to be perfectly at home, nur-ing with the.rest. A Nevada newspaper office is 6,840 feet above the level of the sea.