Rensselaer Union and Jasper Republican, Volume 8, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 February 1876 — A PAIR OF APRIL FOOLS. [ARTICLE]

A PAIR OF APRIL FOOLS.

' I Mr. Softheart had always been a romantic young man, from the earjiest years at which it was possible for hiin to claim the title man; and he was romantic still, now that the title was only accorded to him because of his bachelorhood. Mr. Softheart had never desired to be a bachelor. He admired the other sex too much; but, although he had been in love with four blondes, three brunettes, and five young ladies who were neither one nor the other, he had never been able to pop the question point blank, but delicately hinted it in such a way that his meaning would have been a riddle to the Sphinx, and was naturally enough never successful. Now, at forty, and growing extremely stout, he was as romantic as ever; ana moreover, he was desperately in love with a new idol—a young lady whp smiled when he appeared t gave him soft glancea, Called hfe bouquete “lovely, " and preserved them in water! The fact is, Mr. Softheart was very well off, and not ill looking, and that Miss Belinda had made up her mind to accept his hand whenever it was offered, despite the persistent attentions of young Mr. Spooney, who, though by no means illlooking, and just six-and-twenty, was only a Government cleric, and by no means aseligible a match in consequence. For six months Belinda Bellows had been waiting for Mr. Softheart to propose, and every day more certain that he positively intended to place his mansion and bank account at her disposal. But, though Mrs. Bellows was kind enough to allow the cook to summon her to consultations when Mr. Softheart called, and so leave the pair alone together; and although Belinda's sister, Miss Angelina, was equally considerate, and invariably remembered that something she wanted very particularly was up-stairs when her mother went to speak to the cook, poor Mr. Softheart never could bring himself to the point of saying; “Will you have me?” It would, he argued, confuse the young lady and himself; and if she thould say no, where —as the. floor never opened on such awfhl occasions to receive rejected lovers—where should he hide himself? “I’ll do it by letter,” he said to himself, after long consideration. “ Women, so far, have misunderstood me. I’ll do it in black and white now—say ‘Will you marry me?’ in so many wonts, and decide my fate.” And so, on the last day of March, Mr. Softheart wrote, on pink-tinted paper, perftimed with Kimmel’s scent and edged with gold, an offer of his hand and heart, as plainly to he understood as the bill fromons's baker; and, feeling that he had done a safe, though coarse, thing, he enveloped, sealed it, and put it in his pocket before he made his evening call on his beloved Belinda. Now it so happened that that very evening Belinda herself had come to a resolution. Her twenty-fifth birthday was approaching, and she could not afford to “waste time.” When Mr. Softheart reached ffieTiduse of the Bellows’ he found the field quite clear. Miss Belinda had artfully contrived that it should be so. That perfidious young person had actually purchased tickets for a concert; requested

joutqf Spooney, win wu half mad with Joy at the idea, to accompany Angelina and herself; and onthe evening in Question waa smitten with a terrible attack of neuralgia. Reclining in a clytlr, with a lace ’kerchief held to her cheek, she regretted her inability to go; but, after all, Mr. Spooney should not nave his trouble for nothing—mamma and Angelina would go. Bhe had rather be alone, she waa to cross and nervous. They really must go. And, knowing very well why, the ladles acquiesced; and what could Spooney do? Aa a gentleman, clearly nothing but regret Miaa Belinda’s illness and be delighted with the society of the mamma of fifty and the sister of fifteen. Yet a wretched man waa Mr. Spooney that night; and both his cempanlons on* their return pronounced him “ stupid.” Ten minutes after the departure of the trio Miss Belinda, arrayed in blue silk, with flowers in her hair, was playing at such a rate on the piano that it seemed quite certain that the demon neuralgia must have vanished. She did noteven hear Mr. Softheart’n knock, and started in sweet conftisiou on his appearance. “I’m all alone,” she said. “Mamma and Lina won’t be home until eleven o’clock. I’m afraid you’ll find it wry stupid.” But Mr. Softheartwas not afraid of that; and the two talked together In very low voices, sitting very close to each other on twin chairs. Mr. Softheart looked and sighed and uttered romantic sentiments, but he did not pop flto Question. Miss Belinda did all that a modest young lady could to further this object, but in vain. She did not know-how could she?— that at the door Mr. Softheart had said to Biddy, the housemaid, “Look here, girl, put this in Miss Belinda’s room, where she will be sure to see it;” and that he had presented her with the billet containing his proposal, crowned by a five-shilling piece! How should she guess that even nt that moment the offer Mr. Softheart could not make in words was in hqr work-baskets xt'aft shelld not. “ If the man did not avail himself of such a chance, after six months’ courtship, plain even to the servants in the kitchen, why, he meant nothing. Andthe-unhappy, unlucky Mr. Softheart did not utter the expected words, and left at a quarter to eleven, with a quotation from Byron and a sigh. “He’s a contemptible flirt!” said Miss Belinda. *’ What did he mean by squeezing my hand and by sighing so, and by saying such pretty things, and by looking in my eyes so ? Gentlemen friend) never do such things. I’ll show him my heart is not broken. I’ll many Spooney.”

And Belinda wept, for she was bitterly mortified, and Mr. Spooney did not own a large mansion. Belinda wept, as we'have said, and went to bed in the dark. Of course she did not see the letter in her work-basket, and no one else saw it until the flrst of April dawned, Now, in their normal condition, with no love affair on the tapie, the Bellows were merry people, who indulged in practical jokes, and April Fool's Day was always regulaily kept in the family. A new trick was always hatching the year through, and bundles of rubbish were sent by express, and cotton cakes made, and door-bells rung, and alarms of fire given, and people sent post-haste to remote regions to find April fool awaiting them in one shape or other. But this year the three particular Bellows with whom we have to deal were not prepared with any particular joke, though each suspected the other. And when Angelina, sitting up in bed beside her sister, saw the glittering white note in the work-basket, she immediately made up her m Ind that it was " a trick.”

She crept softly toward it and read the inscription—“ Miss Belinda Bellows” and retired to her again. “ What, a flat trick I’jpe said to herseif. “ Why, Bell will guess at once, unless she forgets that it is the Ist of April. Ma’s tricks are always so smart, it’s queer she should do such a foolish thing.” Then a thought struck her. She crept tiptoe out of the loom and down-stairs to the parlor, where Bridget was making the fire, taking the letter with her. “Biddy,” she said, In a whisper, “come up-stairs and awaken my sister and tell tier Mr. Softheart brought this this morning. Tell it as if t t was the truth, remember, and there’s a shilling for you.” And Angelina tiptoed with barefoot softness back to bed. But Belinda was awake this time.

“She’s going to try to fool me, I know;” said she to herself, with her eyes shut and in a very cross mood, and awaited the denouement with anything but her usual good nature. Biddy, meanwhile, had recognized the letter. “ It’s a lucky one for me,” she said to herself. “A crown over night and a shilling in the morning.” And up-stairs she stumped and knocked at Belinda’s door. “ Misther Softheart bade me give you this, miss,” she said. „„ “ 111 teach you to tell stories,” said Belinda. “ You know Miss Angelina gave it to you.” Biddy was confounded. “Me gave it to me last night, miss, as true as I hope to go to barrenr, she ssM; ‘ “ Litet iflgftt!” 'said Angefina, witß a warning glance, supposing Biddy to have forgotten tier lesson. “I mane this morning,” said Biddy, taking the hint. “Give me the letter,” said Belinda; then, snatching it, she tore it deliberately into four pieces and threw them on the floor. “Do you suppose I mean to be called an April fool?” she sobbed. “You might have more con—aid—eration—for—my—feelings, when he’s trifled so.” And went off into hysterics. Mamma rushed in. Biddy screamed “murther.” Sal volatile was applied, and, in the confusion, no explanation was made. Biddy swept the room and put the letter in the dust-pan. And Mr. Softheart watched all day for the postman, and watched in vain.

That afternoon Mr. Spooney called to inquire after Miss Belinda’s health, and found her well enough to walk out with him ; and Angelina and her mamma began to compare notes. Then, and not until then, the letter began to be a mystery, and Biddy being sent for explained that, to the best of her belief, Mr. Softheart gave it to her to put in Miss Belinda’s room the night before. Then, in dismay, the ladies njmmaged the dust-bin, and, after an hour’s search, reappeared in the parlor with dusty tresses and soiled hands and nine little pieces of paper. These, deftly pieced together, made a whole note, which, biting perused, revealed a proposition. Belinda returned rather late with a very conscious look upon her face, and stared in astonishment at the dusty objects, who met her with excitement on Aheir countenances. It was a good while before the truth could be extracted from the interjections and ejaculations with which she was greeted;- but when, at’ last. it was made manifest, Belinda listened like one in a trance. She had indeed been made £h April fool of. Mr. Softheart had really proposed. The mansion had beeu offered to her, the bank-stock and all that made the bachelor an eligible match; and she that very evening had accepted Spooney, for whom she cared very little, and who had only £l5O a year to live upon.x ' ' If was not complimentary to her betrothed, but she went into her second fit of hysterics at once. - As for Mr. Softheart, he never proposed toanydhe again. He received the news

of Belinda’s betrothal with comparative calmness, but made his will next day in view of suicide, and left all his fortune to a hospital Changing his mind, however, he lives still, and so does Belinda, on a second floor, where she quarrels a good deal with her hueband, who has c eased to be at all attentive and wonders vaguely what he could have meant by it—meaning his courtship and marriage. And Mr. Softheart never sees Belinda, who would be handsome still In a decent bonnet; and Belinda never sees the old bachelor, whom she really liked, and who is fine-looking as well as rich, without a bitter remembrance of the first of April which made them and has left them a pair of Apri| Foote.