Rensselaer Gazette, Volume 3, Number 1, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 April 1859 — DIVORCLD BY MISTAKE. [ARTICLE]

DIVORCLD BY MISTAKE.

A LAUGHABLE FREAK IN LEGISLATI JN. One winter there came to Trenton, Nc.v Jersey, two men named Smith and Jones,l who had both of them designs upon the Legislature. Junes had a bad wife and was in.love with a pretty woman, who, by the by, was a widow with black eyes, and such I a form! therefore Jones came to Trenton tor a div ace. Smith had a good wife, good as an angel, and the mother of ten children, und Smith did not want to be divorced, but did want a charter fur a turnpike, or plank road, to extend from Pig's Run to Terrapin Hollow. Well; they with these errands earne to Trenton, and addressed the assembled wis’nn with usual arguments. First, suppers mainly composed of oysters, with a rich : background of steak venison; second, lii] ors in great quantity, from “Jersey lightning,” j which is a kind of locomotive at full speed, i reduced to a li quid shape—to Newark champagne. To speak in plain prose, Jones, the divorce man, gave a champagne supper, und Smith, the turnpike man, followed with a I champagne breakfast, unde" the mollifying influence of which, the assembled wisdom passed both the divorce und turnpike hills; and Jones and Smith—a copy of each bill in their p ;ckets—went rej being home, over miles of sand, and through the tribulation of many stage coaches. Smith arrived home in the evening, and ■ sat down in his parlar, liis pretty wife be- ] side him—how pretty she did look—and live of her children asleep overhead, the other; five studying their lessons in the corner of] the room, Smith was induced to expatiate ! upon the good results of his mission to ’J’ren- | ton.

“A turnpike, my dear; I am one of the directors and will be President. It will set us up love; we can send the chilnren to b -arding school, and live in style out of the toll. Here is the charter, Honey.” “Let ine see it.” said the pretty wife, who was one| of the nicest wives, with plumpness dimpling all over her face, “let me see it,” as she leaned over Smith’s shoulder. But all at once Smith’s visage grew long, : Smith’s wife’s fa.ee grew black Smith was 1

not profane, but now he ripped out i n aw-1 ful oath. “Blast it, wife, those infernal scoundrels ' at Trenton have gone and divorced us!” It was too true; the p.rchment which he held was a bill of divorce, in which the name ! of Smith and his wife appeared in legible ' letters. Mrs. Smith wiped her eyes with the cor-I ner of her apron. “Here’s a turnpike,” she said sadly, “and with the whole o! the ten children staring me in the face, and I ain’t your wife! Here’s a turnpike.” “Blast the pike, the Legislature and ’ Well, the fact is that Smith, reduced to single blessedness, “enacted” into a stranger to his own wife, swore awfully. Although the night was dark, and most of the denizens of Smith’s village had gone to bed, Smith bade his, late wife put on her bonnet, and arm in arm they proceeded to the clergyman of their church. 1 “Goodness bless me!”exclaimed the good man as lie saw them enter, Smith looking .like the very last of June shad, and Smith’s wii'e wiping her eyes with the corner of -her 'apron. “Goodness bless me, what’s the ' matt 'r!” “The matter is, I Avant you to marrv us ■ right otT,” replied Smith. “Marry you?” ejaculated the clergyman. : will; expanded fingers and awful eyes, “are i you drunk, or what is the matter with you!” However he finally married them over, i straight away, and would not take a fee; the , fact is. grave as he was, be was dying to be ! alone, that he might give vent to a supi pressed laugh that was shaking him aii over; 'and Smith and his wife went joyfully home, and kissed every one of their children. The little Smiths never knew that their father and mother had been made strangers to each oilier by legislative enactment. Meanwhile, and on the same night Jones returnee to his native town—Burlington, I : believe —and sought at once the fine pair of i i ! -: eyes which he had fondly hoped to ImA bis own. The pretty widow sat on the I a while handkerchief t ied carelessly i about her round white throat, her l.’ack hair laid in silky waves against each rosy cheek“Divorce is the word,” cried Junes, playfully putting her double chin, “the fact is, Eliza, I'm rid ot that cursed woman, und you and I’ll be married to night. I know how t .fix those scoundrels at Trenton. A < hampagne supper—or was it break,', st? did the business for them. Put on your bonnet and let us go to the preacher’s at aiice, dearest.” The widow, was among widows as peach are among apples, put on her bonnet and took Jones’ arm, and—- “ Just look how handsome it is on p ;rcument!” cried Junes, pulling out the d culuent before her; “here’s the law that says that Jacob Jones and Ann Carline Junes ar? two.” Putting her plump hand uii his shoulder ' she did look at it. “Oh, dear!” she said, with her rosy lip.,, and sank back, half fainting on the sofa. “Oh, blazes!” cried Jones, and sank beside her, rustling the parchment in his hand; here’s a lot of champagne and happiness gone to ruin!” It was a It; rd case. Instead of being divorced, and at liberty to marry the widow, Jacob Jones was simply, by the legislature of New Jersey, incorporated into a turnpike company, and what made it worse,_authorized to run from Burlington to Bristol. When you reflect that Burlington and Bristol are located just a mile apait, you will observe the extreme hopelessness of Jones’ case. "It s all the iault ot the turnpike man, who gave the champagne supper—or was it breaklast!” cried Jones in agony. "If they had cliartere- 1 tno to run a turnpike from Pig’s Run to Terrapin Hollow, I might have borne it; but the very idea of building a turnpik from Burlington to Bris-’ tel bears an absurdity on the face of it.” So it did. j “And you ain’t divorced!” said Eliza, aj tear rolling down each cheek. “No!” thundred Jones, crushing his hat] between his knees, “and what is worse, the . legislature is adjourned, and gone home I drunk, and won’t be back to Trenton till' next year ”

I It was a hard case. ! » The mistake (?) had occurred on the last I day of the session*, when legislators and [ transcribing clerks were laboring under a I chai, pagnc supper, followed by a breakfast. ] Smith’s name had been put where Jones’ ; ought to have been, and “wisey wersey,” as the Latin n ’-‘I has it. fr“ 7" > > i'ankee down East has invented a u.”.' ihoe-line. It consistsofa galvsnir< I vhich will not soil the clothes and :yjHßted by the changes of weather.