Plymouth Weekly Democrat, Volume 14, Number 33, Plymouth, Marshall County, 22 April 1869 — Page 1

PLYMOUTH WEEKLY DEMOCRAT'.

VOLUME XIV. PLYMOUTH, INDIANA, THURSDAY, APRIL 22, 1869. NUMBER 33.

Poetry.

tuet sä rr BY a. r. Who is k Thcv Say." I beat M mnch abont! I'd really like to find ttii- person out, I do not understand about M They Say," Come, tell me who, ami what he is, I pray. "They Say" that We. Whafs-his-nnm will drink; Bat that's his hu- not "They Say." I think, And that he live- ne vnd his means, and so M They Say " think everybody ouht to know. And there is Mrs Such a-ore, she goes To all the pic-n'os, partie, halls and shows. And so -udi hor time noon the street each day When duty calls her home, to says M They Say." And then hofore yon tret a chance to rest. " They S ty" hta talked of yon, and none the host; Ilia told yonr neighbor what you eat and drink And how you dress, and all you do, or think How nnnv times we"k you srrnh yonr fl .or. And h'ack yonr stove, ami wash your kitchen doors; . How often, and just where yon ?o each flay, And what yon buy, and how yon ever pay. , Xo, ir I hive thirir to say to you," I'll toll yon so myself, and yon may do The ?irai' hv m I : N is a coward's way. To te!J a lie" and charge it to " 'Ihey S";y." ON TUE SHORE. BT . A. r. Wk walked together on the shore. One ev.-nin. ycMi and I ; Wc h-fird old ocein's sollen roar. And MDowi rolling nigh. The Fnn had set, and where his rayr. Had left arosv ?low, Jnsrt where the twMitrht met the day. The new moon hang her bow. The white win"ed ships sailed bravely by, Tlie ocean bit-ezo blew free A thousand stars were in the sky, A thousand on the sea. Yon talked tome of life and love. Your voice was jioft and low; The starry eyes that shone ahovt Looked down with gentle glow. And others wandered by the sea, And heard its sallen moan ; I only heard It sine to me A low and gladsome tone. Ah, happy dream I too bright to last f Too soon the moments flew--On rosy winsrs fhev elided past, .The while I talked with you. Bnt now I walk the shore alone , I 'learthe moaninu sea; It has no more joyous tone, No hopeful voice for me. The star? aV.ve arc still a true. The cresa -it moon as bright. The sea-bre M oft. as when, with yon, I walked the shore that night. But now their charms, alas ! have flown, I only hear the roar Of ocean's voice : alone, alone. Alone, I walk the shore. Selected ftttsccllann. THE (iORILLVS LOTE ST0R7. My article on the origin of the human snccies had been months in preparation. Much of the fame which I have since secured by its publication in that widely circulated magazine, the Inter oceanic Monthly, is due to the fact that I spent weeks in deep investigations in ethnological science", comparing results, and especially examining the points of resembh.nce which exist in the brute creation and the nobler race of man. To say that I utterly verthrew the Darwinian theory, and quite demolished the trib'i of pretenders who have since attempted to imitate that great apostle of error, may not be s'rictly in accordance with modesty, but hosts of candid friends will admit tbat it is strictly true I know very well that, though my untiring labors in the cause of science are not yet thoroughlv appreciated, an admiring posterity will dwell with delight on the name of Samuel Simcox as the benefactor of his race, who showed where that race had its birth, and from what primitive element it sprang. For further particulars see the Interocanic Montldy for June, IS. My favorite haunt during the progress of my article was Coriander's menagerie ; having resolved that this should be the master piece of my life, I spared neither labor nor expense upon it, and actually procured a season ticket to the menagerie and passed many pleasant hours in watching the wild animals, studying their habits MM drawing many valuable conclusions from their points of resemblance a ad difference. Consequently, though tu3 apes and monkpys had furnished me with an inexhaustible fand of amusement, and interest, I wa? delighted beyond measure when it was announced that Coriander had secured a live gorilla for his collection of wild beasts. An agent had leen dispatched to Africa and had sent home, with great secrecy, a real live specimen ot this dreadful beast ; and so well had all the negotiations been kept that nobody knew of what was being done until the monster was fairly caged and on exibition at Coriander's menagerie. I entered with zest upon a study of the creature's habits and peculiarities; and while the idle cariosity of mere wonder mongers kept a vast crowd about the cage wherein the furious beast was confined, I calmly surveyed it from a safe distance and made my scientific observations I r the benefit of mankind. And when vulvar wonder at the strange beast had somewhat subsided, and I could get nearer the cage and watch the gorilla, I was more aud more impressed with the human traits which I discovered in the extraordinary animal. His manner of reclining was, though impish, half human; and his grotesque gait, as ne sprang from side to side of his narrow prison, was suggestive of his suppositious congener man ; even bis terrible howl, which rent the air of the museum constantly, had a human shade of sound. One rainy day, when the great hall of the museum was unusually vacant of visitors, I almost leaned against the cage in my eager watch of the movements of the gorilla. I fancied him roaming his native African jungles, the terror of every living thing, or rearing, with a strange and grotesque solitude, his young family. I wondered how much akin to human love and hate were the passions that raged beneath that hairy breast, and how much of real feeling was in the loud and anguished howl that occasionally burst from those fang-like jaws. Thus speculating, I drew incautiously near the bars of the cage where the monster restlessly paced up and down, and was inexpressibly startled at feeling his hot breath on my thee while from his huge hairy lips came the sound" Sam f I actually jumped with astonishment, whereupon the creature beseechingly said : " Hush, hush, for Heaven's sake do not leave me '" Mastering courage enough to ask him what all this meant the gorilla answeied : " I am your old friend, Jack Gale ; d-n't leave mc." So Coriander s famous gorilla was none other than my old crony, Jack Gale.

And this is how Jack happened to be a gorilla: Coriander's keepers were too watch fdl to permit much conversation, but taking from the gorilla for such he still was to me the address of Jack Gale, No. 1,283 Morusmulticaulis street, I went home to revise some of my deductions relative to the origin of the human species, founded on observations of the gorilla in a state of comparative wildness.. The menagerie closed at 10 o'clock a the evening, and precisely at half past ten I was at Jack's lodgings, to which. I climbed up four flights of crooked and very dark stairways. The room was rjmall and cheerless ; the windows wer.s carefully guarded by thick curtains : t'aree or four swinging bais depended from the ceiling for the practice of its innate in acrobatic exercises ; across the foot of the bed lay a well-dressed gorilla' j skin, and at a small table, and absorbing the contents of a pot of beer, sat the wearer of this discarded robe. This was the haunt of the African gorilla. He told his story in a few words. " When you and I were used to talk with each other along the Tallapoosa and Athens wire, I never thought to meet you as a live gorilla ; but here I am. After the war was over, and the Government discharged so many telegraph operators, it was hard scralching for a while ; and after you and I left the Decapolis office, I was well-nigh broke more than once, only a few cents standing between me and begtrary. But I kept a stiff upper lip, and struggled up to Cincinnati, where I met with Coriander. He was out there with his menagerie, and was about to come on

to this city and open a big show. He is a great old villain, but he has the sweetest, nicest little daughter that ever was given to man. You haven't seen Clara Coriander, have you f No ! "Well, you have not seen the loveliest and best girl in the world, then. But, as I was saying, old Coriander was preparing for a year's campaign in this city, and allotted a great deal on a real, live gorilla which had been captured in the wilds of Africa somewhere. Oh, curse that goriila; I wish I had been dead before ever I heard of him." And here Jack groaned. "I loved Clara Coriander. I suppose you have guessed that out already. But it was the old story ; poor young man, without fortune or friends ; cruel parents determined that their only daughter shall not marry a beggar ; young lady inconsolable and devoted to aforesaid poor young man, but dreadfully afraid of papa, whose only child she Is. Well, Coriander came on here and I followed, the old man giving me the job of writing hte posters and advertisements to keep me from starving, I suppose. The long expected Gooroo arrived from Zanzibar, but no gorilla was there on board for Mr. Coriander ; there was a skin of that celebrated animal, the beast himself having departed this life off the Island of St. Helens, in imitation of the example of another much feared person who once resided in that locality. M Coriander was frantic. The great card for his menagerie was not tobe his. His lor.g cherished plans were a wreck ; his money was spent for naught ; he had no gorilla After all, I rather like the old wretch (Coriander I mean). He has an absolute passion with his ' profession,' as he calls it, and was more In despair because he had no gorilla, than because it was a bad financial operation, which left him without that for which he had spent so much money. He was wretched in his disappointment, and postponed indefinitely the opening of the menagerie, though my elegant advertisements were in al! the papers, and our flaming posters covered the walls of the city from one end to the other. Gloom reigned in the house of Coriander. " This was my opportunity. I was in love with Clara and without any permanent occupation. Presenting myself before the old man, I said : ' Mr. Coriander, you want a gorilla?' " 4 To be sure,' said he testily. " 'I will furni'h you with oric.' "The devil you will!' 44 4 Look here,' said T, stepping back a few paces. Grasping the top of a heavy old wardrobe that stood in the room. I swung myself up, clambered along the top, sprang up and dowD, over chairs and tables, raced around the room with huge strides and jumps, and finally wound up my performances by rushing at the astonished Coriander, and, beating my breast, gave a terrific howl that fairly made the old man quail as he writhed in his chair. I had not been practising for nothing, evidently. Coriander was actually frightened. 44 4 What docs this mean ?' he gasped, with some rage mingled with his perturbation. 44 4 1 am the live gorilla from the wilds of Africa,' said I. ' Give me my skin that arrived by the Gooroo from Zanzibar, and I will scare this city out of its senses, when the menagerie opens, after a brief delay on account of the difficulty of preparing for enormous additions, which a discriminating public will be delighted to see. "Old Coriander embraced me, with tears in his eyes, declaring that I was a real genius and was born to the show business. " 4 But,' said I, 4 though I am poor and need the money which you will pay me, I have one other condition, and that is that 1 you shall give me your daughter's hand if I succeed.' 44 The old man was rather taken back at j this, and flatly refused at first ; and wc j wrangled over the matter ir two or three days, but, after seeing me, in the skin of I the gorilla, go through many antics and j performances, he reluctantly gave in and agreed that after one year of gorilla life ! in his service, I should have the happiMM of marrying Clara. He only stipu- ) lated that I should not hereafter tell any- 5 body of the cheat and that not even Clara ; should know of it now. 44 1 am aware that my profession is not I high art, as you call it, and on bo days it , is precious uncomfortable. But what 1 won't a fellow do under the pressure of jan exchequer in distress, and enticed by j the promise of the hand of the prettiest and best girl in the world ! The pay is Ml much, bat I keep soul an 4 body to5 ether, which is more than some poor evils do in this great city. By the way, Sam, have you got five dollars about you ?" Now, if there was anything that Jack Oale specially loved, it was the state of being in debt. He wa never so happy as when in debt, and when by accident, or the interference of friends, he got out of it, he was uneasy and wretched, apparently, until he got in again. The normal condition of the man was debt ; so when he asked me for a loan, I could not help laughing ; and I told him that he had undoubtedly found one of the greatest privations of his gorilla life to be the difficulty of contracting new debtn.

44 Th at's a fact," said Jack ; 44 the menagerie opens at eight o'clock in the morning ; it takes me a good hour to get myself up for the day, and we don't shut up until ten o'clock at night ; so you see my professional duties are very confining, and a real, live African gorilla is not supposed to have first-rate credit with the people who poke stale sandwiches and peanuts through his cage -bars by day." I promised Jack that if old Seanecks, of the Intdroceanic Monthly, accepted my article on the origin of the human specie?, I would divide the proceeds with him. Jack and I had shared and shared alike with our little gains too often in years gone by for me to remember which owed the other now. Besides, I told him that I had studied his habits as a gorilla, and he had some claim upon the profits of an article in which his personal peculiarities figured so largely. During the next few days I observed the characteristics of Coriander's African gorilla with new interest. He performed wonderfully well ; it was difficult to realize that the hairy, ravening, agile and gro-tesqurly-moving beast, from which every visitor shrank back .aghast, was only Jack Gale serving out his hard servitude for an anticipated bride, very much after the ancient fashion of Laban's kinsman. The cunning rascal had a fashion of leaping at the bars when curious people came too near, driving them away from a narrow inspection by his hideous yells and angry mouthings. But his roars, which were really artistic in their brutal sonorousness, served us a good purpose. As I was night editor on the Daily Highflyer, and kept pretty close from ten uutil three o'clock in the morning, and Jack was caged until the hour at which I went to work, it was not easy for us to meet. So we exchanged the salutations of the day and a few scraps of news by using our old signals, learned long ago in the telegraph office. Instead of the rat-tat-tat of the little instrument so familiar to both of us, Jack, by a series of long or short howls and grunts, gave me his message, to which I replied by careless taps of my cane or hand, nobody suspecting that my casual movements meant anything, nor supposing for an instant that a sudden burst of African forest yeils, which sent a fat lady nearly into hysterics, and made two small children howl with apprehension, merely meant, 44 She with the pink bonnet is my Clara." And it must be confessed that Clara Coriander was an exceedingly attractive young person. Blonde, light in figure, and with one of those fair, transpar, nt complexions that make you think of a light shining through an alabaster vase, Clara Coriander was certainly as lovely a girl as one ever lay eyes upon. Besides, she was an only daughter, and old Coriander had grown rich in the menagerie business. Jack was a lucky dog (gorilla, I should say) to gain her hand if he ever did ; but one could not help thinking, as he noted her dainty manner and delicate, somewhat distingue face, that she was hardly the girl to fancy a fellow who had personated a gorilla, even for her hand. I was afraid that Jack had made a mistake in thus debasing himself or the absurd passion of her cruel parent for the possession of a gorilla. Moreover, by debarring himself her society for the greater portion of the time (Sundays only excepted), he left the field open for some more fortunate rival who might, in the meantime, carry off the prize. But Jack felt sure that he was all right, and by a precious bit of deception he had led Clara to believe that he was hard at work, night and day, at some legitimate calling, earning money for his future ambitious designs in life. The poor little thing believed in him, but Jack said it was very hard for him to be obliged to see his beloved flirting, right before his eyes at the menagerie (for the girl had a taste for natural histdry, and was there of ten), with some perfumed dangler who was in love with her pretty face and old Coriander's money. On these occasions he hated himself, for his mean disguise, and found satisfaction in howling at the gay party in such dreadful fashion as sent them quaking from his cage ; and then he cursed himself for having driven away his lovely angel, and was smitten with sudden remorse as he saw her rosehued cheek blanch at his terrific cries. At such times he could With difficulty restrain himself from shouting : 44 Don't be frightened, dear, it's only Jack !" But he was fortunately preserved from such an untimely exposure. Old Seanecks was very mean, and, though he accepted my article on the Origi - of the Human Species, only paid me the pitiful sum of twenty dollars for that valuable contribution to knowledge. Twenty dollars for the labor and thought of weeks ! Was ever anything so absurd? And there was Jack confidently expecting at least twenty-five dollars to purchase a birthday present for Clara. Jack loved to make presents, and the deeper he got into debt the more presents did he bestow on his friends. Such another whole-souled fellow as he was, to be sure. But I pocketed the disappointment along with the money, and went straightway to the menagerie. There was quite a crowd about Jack's cage, standing at a respectful distance. In his capacity as the real African gorilla. Jack had just avenged himself on a dangerous rival by snatching off his matchless wig. This gentleman had long deceived his friends with his ambrosial locks, but Jack's quick eye had discovered the cheat, and he seized a favorable moment to make a grab for it. To his inexpressible joy, it came off in his paw, and the discomfited gallant stood with his bare poll in the presence of the giggling and amused Clara Coriander. The amateur gorilla was in a frenzy of delight, and tore up and down his cage, scattering Mr. Jonquil's chestnut curls with savage glee. Old Coriander afterward had to pay for his wig of course, but he was so delighted with the stroke of showman genius displayed in its destruction that he paid the bill without a mur-

mur. JNoneouia wua ana savage animal, of course, would 44 snatch a gentleman bald-headed," as the old man expressed it. I suppose some of my readers who now recollect the occurrence, will agree with Mr. Coriander in his opinion. After the little crowd which this amusing affair had drawn around the cage had dispersed in various directions, I drew near enough to hand Jack a ten dollar note, which was his share of the proceeds of my article in the Interoceanic Monthly. He snatched it furtively, for the keepers were not far off, and cramming it into his ferocious Jaws (lined with blood-red vel vc,). he howled in his usual staccato rtylo. ,; Didn't I scalp old Jonquil, though ! ' One of the keepers approaching me eaid auspiciously, " Look -a here, young man, you make entirely too free vith that ere beast. He's awful, he is, and some day he'll just go for you, it you aiu't keerful. Why, this afternoon, he iw loro a goalie-

man's skelp clean off his hea., and he was bore out in a faintin condition. Jest see the hair of him all scattered over the cage." I humbly thanked him for the cautioD, and drew off, asking for information as to the creature's habits. He was very communicative. and enlightened me with much valuable knowledge relative to his diet, averring that he was invariably fed before the menagerie was opened, the raw meat and live rabbits which he devoured exasperating him by their blood to that degree, that it was not safe for any person but a keeper to come into his sieht. The gorilla enjoyed this confidential communication, and roared his approval thu? : 44 He is the head liar of this menagerie." Jack and I kept up a casual correspondence from day to day by means of our telegraph signals, for I had little time to see him when off duty. Occasionally I strolled in of an evening to commiserate his fearful ennui and cheer him with a friendly sign, or when opportunity offered to chat furtively with the man gorilla, who swore dreadfully at the bad bargain which he made. His confinement was growing excessively irksome, and though his constant exercise kept him in good bodily heaith, poor Jack lost his spirits and grew positively wretched in mind. One night, when I managed to find time to visit him at his den in Morusmulticaulis street, he grew plaintive over his unhappy condition. " Hang it, 8am," said he, " you have no idea how mad it makes me to think that I have shut myself up in that cage for a year and with no chance of getting out without telling Clara what I nave been doing. And there she goes pottering about the menagerie, like a blessed little angel as she is, without the least idea tbat Jack, unhappy Jack, is glowering at her from his accursed goriila prison, longing to say the words that would bring confusion and dismay upon all of us. And then when I see some other fellow flirting around with her, and old Coriander leering over her head at me, knowing full well how aggravated I im, why, it just makes me wild." I comforted Jack as well as I could, and bade him hone that some stroke of luck would yet deliver him from his voluntary thraldom and bring him to his love. He was hopeful that old Coriander would find the gorilla business unprofitable and would offer to buy him off, or consent to shorter terms. He vowed one day that unless relief soon came, he would address the crowd about his cage and inform them that he was an unmitigated humbug ; that he was no goriila at all, but a distressed gentleman, John Gale by name, tempo rarily held in duress by that old rascal, Columbus Coriander. But he restrained himself and waited. It was well that he did. One evening, finding an unemployed half hour at my disposal, I sauntered into the menagerie hall, and watched tue poor weary beasts slowly composing themselves to their unquiet slumbers. It was nearly time to close the show for the night, and not many people were left to stroll about among the cages. Old Coriander was there with his fat wife, the lovely Clara floating about in a cloudy white dress, and followed by a train of -idmiring swains. The poor gorilla was stretched at full length on the floor of his cage, with his face sullenly turned to th-j rear partition. Passing by the poor fellow, with a little pang of regret, I stopped before a cage of apes, poor Jack's next door neighbors. No wonder that he felt b'ue sometimes. Suddenly there was a iush of hurrying feet; a strange confusion pervaded the whole place lately so quiet and stl, and above the pungent odor of the menagerie I detected that of burning wood. The place was on fire and instantly everybody ran for the exits. The hall was filled with blinding smoke ; the red tongues of flame thrust themselves eagerly through the thin partitions which separated the main exhibition hall from the lumber-rooms in the rear. Ami the people who rushed selfishly down the narrow stairways, fled not only from the flames, but from the poor beasts who cowered in their cages or roared angrily as they caught the mad excitement around them. The scene was terrible; the crae'riing, roaring fires sweeping out into the long room ; the wild terror of the caged animals ; the shrieks and cries of flocks of suddenly liberated strange birds, and the surging clouds of smoke which rolled through t he high arches overhead. Passing near the gorilla's cage I heard Jack's voice, as he yelled with stentorian lungs : 44 Will nobody let mc out? Oh, will nobody let me out " Quick as thought I ran behind his cage, and unfastened the narrow flap that closed the opening. In another moment the African gorilla was out and across the hall, to where a blonde young lady in a white dress was being helplessly borne along by old Coriander, also encumbered by the stout mother of Miss Clara, for Jack had seen that his beloved was in mortal danger. Raising the fainting girl in his strong arms, the hairy monster rushed down the stairs, astounding the coming firemen with the sight of a ferocious gorilla carrying off a respectable young lady, whose flaxen curls lay lovingly over the dreadful shoulders of the beast, wh'ch, with ludricious failure, endeavored to caress the palid face of the young lady with his hairy jaws, stiff with padding and whalebone, an 1 nicely lined with blood-red velvet. The gorilla fled up the street, bearing his dainty burden for, once in sight, he could not stop without exposure. Plodding travelers on the illume Lated sidewalks were startled by the swift apparition of a gorilia carrying off a young lady, who was borne into dark alleys to be eaten in the obscurity of some hidden den. Casual wayfarers through the dark streets shrieked and ran as they beheld a flaming dragon, leaping with enormous strides, and carrying the corpse of a nice young person hanging over his shoulder. Good Mrs. Harris, who keeps the lodging house at No. 1263 Morusmulticaulis street, fell in a deadly swoon at her own doorway, as she was returning from class meeting, to see the evil one, equipped with the traditional head, horns a. id tail breathing fire and sulphurous smoke, and violently deporting a beautiful young lady, who had for love of dress ana other worldly vanities, sold herself to Old Nick. Vaulting over the prone body of the insensible Mrs. Harris, Jack eluded his few pursuer1, and darted up stairs to his own private den, where he shut and locked himself and his fair burden from the world. The lovely Clara revived shortly, and opening her eyes shut them again with a great scream. She was it the den of the African gorilla. There was more fainting, and more anguish on tbe part of Jack, who cursed his luck and hi folly together. 44 It's Jack, it's only Jack," he cried with real agony as he tore off his mak, and the young lady, slowly returning to her senses, once more upeLed her eyes and beheld

her lover, a real African gorilla from his his chin downward, but possessing a very resolute, yet anxious human head very like Jack Gale's with the scalp and grinning jaws of the defunct monster hanging behind his ears. This was an extraordinary situation ; a nice young lady in a strange garret, confronted by an erratic young man in semigorilla costume ; his countenance flushed with excitement and exercise; his eyes wild with anxiety and alarm ; his whole manner that of a person who is in a state of utter quandry. The truth of history compels me to record the fact that Miss Clara Coriander threw up her hands and laughed as if fhe would die. She was a sensible girl and liked a good joke. Old Coriander's plans were laid bare to her clear vision in one moment; she saw through the whole trick and laughed in the face of the astonished Mr. Gale. 44 Oh, Jack,' said she, as soon as she could recover her breath, 44 how could you be such a fool ? where am I ! How shall I ever get home ? Oh, oh, oh " To all of which Jack could only reply in installments. But, by secluding the young lady on the stairway, he succeeded in preparing for their return to the Coriander mansion. Through the half-deserted streets the young couple went in different guise from that in which they had before astonished those who saw them flee. The gorilla delivered up the old man's daughter, and was glad to be told that the menagerie, not quite ruined, muft needs be closed for a few months for repairs. The show opened again in due season with new attractions, under the management of Coriander and Gale. But in all the lines of cages of rare beasts, no Afri can gorilla was to be found. In lieu thereof they showed a handsomely stuffed skin of the much lamented beast which came to an untimely end in consequence of a cold caught by exposure at the great menagerie fire. Coriander's heart relented when Jack saved his daughter from the burning building, and he found his inventive genius invaluable in the show business. I have seen the only young gorilla born on the American soil, of which there is any account. It has pink cheeks and blue eyes, and is learning to answer to the name of Clara Gale. Overland Monthly. 0t m MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

A great 44 composer " Chloroform. The lap of luxury A cat eating milk. The editorial 44 wee " His youngest. A fastidious bridegroom in New York has sent to Paris to have his wedding cards engraved. Seeing a cellar nearly finished, a waggish author remarked that it was an excellent foundation for a story. Some say that the quickest way to destroy weeds is to marry a widow. It is, no doubt, a most agreeable species of husbandry. Keei doing, always doing. Watching, dreaming, tending;, murmuring, talking, sighing, and repining, arc idle and profitless employments. A girl who was making a dress put the sleeves in wrong. She was unable to change them, as she could not determine whether she had got the right sleeve in the wrong place or the wrong sleeve in the right place. An exchange, in speaking of the magical strains of a hand-organ, says : 44 When he played 401d Dog Tray,' we noticed eleven pups sitting in front of the machine on their haunches, brushing the tears from their eyes with their forepaws." An editor says in a recent letter to a friend : 4lAt present I am in the country, recovering from fourteen years' editorial life bad eyes, crooked back, and broken nerves, with little to show for it." Any one would think that the three articles enumerated were quite enough to show for it A wKAirnv merchant, who had become a bankrupt, was met, sometime after his misfortune, by a friend, who asked him how he was getting on. 44 Pretty well," said he. 44 1 am upon my legs again." 44 How ! already ?" 44 Yes ; I have been obliged to part with my carriage and horses, and must now walk." TnE Richmond Ecamintr tells of a marriage between two leg-less colored people in that city the other day. Both, some years ago, were compelled to have their legs amputated at the knee joints, owing to their having been severely bitten by the frost. The man had been married twice before, and the woman three times. Says a writer in Blackwood : 44 1 remember a cruel old schoolmaster of mine who always accompanied his flagellations with the assurance we'd bless him yet for this scourging, and that the time would come when we'd thank him on our knees for these wholesome floggings ; but after a long lapse of years, I have felt no gratitude, nor ever met a schoolfellow who did. A Model Husband. I mw a model hnxband In a drenm, Where things are not exactly what they ecem ; A moral man, to sceptics be It known ; The wife he loved and cherished wa his own ; And for the teBt I saw the husband wait With horse and chaise five minutes at t ue gate, While Jane put on her things; nor spoke one tour Or bitter word, though waiting half an hour For dinner; and, like Patience on a throne, lie didn't swear to find a button gone. A writer in Apleton Journal suggests what he considers the only adequate method for putting s stop to the evils of adulteration in the common articles of food. Thia is to teach the art of discovering and exposing adulterations in the public schools. Every school should have a laboratory, and every boy and girl of fifteen should be instructed in elementary, chemical testing, and the use of the common microscope. There is an old story of a Venetian painter who set up his picture in the street with the request that anybody who perceived error or failure in the piece would 44 make a note of it" He found as the result, that every squaro inch of his laborious canvas was condemned ; but when he altered the request, and begged that an ingenious public would oblige him by denoting what was faultless, again every square inch was lauded to the skies by some critic or another. TriKRE are only two marriageable girls at Coosa, Oregon. On Sundays, half a dozen or more young fellows sit all day on the verandahs in front of the ladies' houses, while each fair one looks at her followers through the half open widow. The lovers, all the while, are whittling bits of white pine. At dark they move home ; but the damsels find these visits profitable, for there is generally left behind a pile of shavings big enough to light fires for the rest of the week. It is an easy matter to lead grape vines

on to single trees, and in this way consid erable fruit may be grown at little expense. Low headed, spreading trees are best for this purpose, like the apple or butternut. The vine should be planted in good soil several feet distant from the trunk, and a single cane led up a pole to some strong limb, whence it will soon spread over the entire head of the tree. The stem of the vine should be protected against injury from stock. Vine covered trees would add to the picturesqueness of many landscapes, and repay the cost aside from the fruit, but we wouldn't advise any odc to grow less vines in his garden or vineyard on account of covering a few unsightly trees with them. ExchirKje. A few days since a little girl in Newark, N. J , was missing from her home, and all efforts to find her proved unavailing. It was finally suggested that she might have fallen through a crevice in the walk, down a distance of forty feet into the vault of a neighboring brewery. Lights were lowered through the aperture, and afterward a man descended. Strange to relate, he found the little one lying asleep upon a high bed of dirt and stones, having become weary with crying for assistance. "When taken out and examined by a leading physician of that city (who at the same time vouches for the correctness of this ftory), she was fount1 to be perfectly well, and to have suffered no bodily harm by her perilous fall. Strange Sympathy. Prochaska, the eminent physiologist, U3ed to mention in one of his lectures how, traveling in Bavaria, he put up at a ?mall inn at Tetschen Brod, where, being weather-bound, he pas-sed his days in writing. Not liking the meager accom modation of a little village inn, he begeed ihat at least they would provide him with a comfortable arm chair. After some delay a large, high-backed, old leathern throne was placed in his room, with many injunctions to treat it carefully. He welcomed the annexation with delight, and at once proceeded to avail himself of its comforts. Scarcely, however, had he been seated in it half an hour, when he was seized with a pain in the back of the neck, which extended gradually down the epine. These pains left him after he went to bed, and returned when he resumed his place in the chair next morning. Sometimes they came spasmodically, and forced him to cry out ; sometimes they began slightly and then increased in severity, gradually engaging one nervous center after another and causing intense suffering. But all the symptoms would slowly subside on removal from the chair, instantaneously returning when he went back to it There was scaioely a form of neuralgia he did not experience. The facial nerves were constantly the scat of suffering, and his sciatic agonies were terrible. He examined the chair carefully and thoroughly. He rippid open the leather covering, and he investigated the hairstufliog beneath. He tested the varnish on the wood, and, in fact, left nothing undone that might throw light on the curious influence of evil this antique pieoe of furniture possessed, but to no purpose. Nothing came of all his perquisition, and he was driven to seek if the history of the chair could afford any explanation of these phenomena. To his amazement he learned that his landlady had borrowed the chair from a doctor in the village. He had used it for years in his study, and in it some hundreds of patients "had undergone the various operations of surgery. The well-worn arms, showing where agonized hands had grasped" convulsively, the patched leather attested the violence which had attended these struggles. 44 1 bought the vicious old seat, and had it hacked up before my eyes, and the fragments thrown into the Elbe," said the Professor, 44 but the lesson it taught me I bave never forgotten. St. PauVs M'igizine. Why Dj "ot Our Teeth Last Our Lifetime

TriAT they are made as perfect, if the right materials are furnished, there cannot be a doubt. But arc the necessary elements furnished to children as they are the young of the other animals? And do we not subject our teeth to deleterious influences from which animals that obey their natural instincts are exempt? The forming young of other animals, while dependent on the mother, get lime, and phosphorus, and potash, and silex, and all the other elements of which the teeth are composed, from the blood or milk of the mother, and she gets them from the food which nature provides containing these elements in their natural proportions. But where can the child in its forming state get these necessary elements, whose mother lives principally on starch, and butter, and sugar, neither of which contains a particle of lime, phosphorus, potash or silex ? Nature performs no miracles. She makes teeth as glass is made, by combining the elements which compose them according to her own chemical principlesAnd this illustration is more forcible because the composition of the enamel of the teeth and of glass is very nearly identical ; both at least requiring the combination ol silex with some alkaline princi pie. If, then, the mother of an unborn or nun-ing infant lives on white bread and butter, pastry and confectionery, which contain no silex, and very little of the other elements which compose the teeth, nothing short of a miracle can give her a chil I with good teeth, and especially with teeth well enameled. But what article of food will make go.xl teeth ? Good milk will make good teeth, for it makes them for calves. Good meat will make good teeth, Mr it makes them for lions and wolves. Good vegetables and fruit will make good teeth, for they make them for monkeys. JJfJood corn, oatp, barley, wheat, rye, and indeed, everything that grows, will make good teeth, if eaten in their natural state, no elements being taken out ; lor every one of them does make teeth for horses, cows, sheep, or some other animal. But starch, sugar, lard, or butter will not make good teoth. You tried them all with youi child's first teeth, and failed ; and your neighbors have tried them, and indeed all Christendom has tried them, and the result is that a man or woman at forty with good, sound teeth is a very rare exception. Dr. A. J. Belloir. A little youngster, two and a half years old, who had heard tome complaint in the family about pegs in shoes hurting the feet, approached hit mother the other day, with his fingers in his mouth, and says : 44 Mamma, me dot pegs tummin in my mouf and dey hurt me." And sure enough the little fellow was cutting two or three nice teeth.

FACTS AND FIGURES. MAST makes -:00 a week with his pencil. TnE valuation of Hartford, Com., is New Bkusswick paid $1,120 far dead bears last year." Orir.H in Southern Asia enables 10,000,000 people to get drunk. Ax English clergyman charges double fees for marriages in Lent. It is rumored that Charles Dickens will again visit this country in the fall. A r.OT in Phillips, Me, has been convicted of profanity and fined nine cents by a justice. Saxony, with a population ol 010,000, had 210 suicides last year 1GS m-n and 2 women. Titey have stylifh parties in Boston at which no one worth less than $390,000 is admitted. Cn.Mii.F Wkslf.t, brother of the venerable founder of Methodism, wrote seven thousand hymns. Melbourne, Australia, though but thirty years old, has a quarter of a million of inhabitants. The b'-d of the Missouri river, at Sioux City, is .540 feet above that of the Mississippi at Dubuque, in the same latitude. TnE first newspaper printed, in America was issued in Boston, April 4, 1704. Only one complete c-py of it is preserved. A respectable citizen of Philadelphia live, when they arc in season, upon nothing but goose eggs, partaking of nine per diem. An old woman in one of the French departments has just died and disinherited her nephew beciusc he sung the Marseillaise in 1830. At Alexandria, Vs., a gull stuck its talons into the back of a fish, which proved too powerful for the bird, and after a vere struggle, carried it under water. In the village of Union Springs, N. Y., there are. a thousand and more shade-trevs, planted during the past ten years by a tree-planting association. Four thousand pawnbrokers, with $35,010,000 capital, carrying on businc in England and Wales. Thirty million pawns are affected i 1 mdon alone in one year. A Cleveland convict hung himself in enigy the other day, making a general scare among officials, who proce eded to cut the body down, when a resurr- -tion occurred from under the bed. Milan has provided its customs officers with very powerful microscopes for the examination of all meat brought into the city, to m-ike sure that none of it harb CI trichi; ;c pora-is. In Europe there are about 10,000 known species of dies, included in 080 genera. In North America about 2,500 species have been described, but the whole num ber will probably amount to 10,000, A DRri TATioN of EnsUshmen lately placed upon the tomb of Maximilian a su perb crown of toiid silver, the product of a subscription. The crown was made by an eminent jeweler of Paris. A Mississippi editor and Justice of the Peace married a couple in 1858, divorced them in 1860k married the man to another woman in 1861. d;tto the woman to another man in 1862, and recently married the original couple. Henry Lewitit, of Hartford, diet recently, and left an estate worth f 22,000, and debts which figured up $.7,000 BUM than that. Mrs. Lcwith not only waved her legal rights to one third the estate, but paid the balance out of her own pocket. An cn'erprising velocipede minufa";turer has offered a handsome premium to the corporat'on of Paris fr liberty to establish velocipede "stand45," as in the case ot rabs, throughout the city, living his tariff at four sous an hour, or one frank per day. It is a fact not generally tknowt, perhaps, tint Washington drew his laM breath in the last hour of the lat day ol the last week, in the last month of the year, and last year of the century. He died am Saturday night, at 12 o'clock, December tl, 1709. Cincinnati Enquirer. A donkey in the suburbs of London has attained a celebritv by showing a fondn 3 for hearing t he concertina p'ayed. At the sound of the instrument he will gallop toward the player, braying kwdlj. It is suggested that he wishes, in a humane spirit, to drown the sound of the instrument. An English physician has ju'. di icorered that the nvvm pacses successively, during its different phases, from a temperature of molt, n lead to that of the congelation of mercury. While the sun darts its rays upon her, a thermometor suitably construct ed would indicate a temperature of nearly 500 dcg. While, on the c- nt mr3-, upon the side opposite the sun, ti c instrument would descend to 70 deg., bekm er- , thus giving a fortnight of Siberian winter followed by a fortnight of super-tropical summer I Ax Illinois correspondent of the ( ''- try QtntUman has much faith in real estate. He says : 44 The sharpest and ablest man, with $1,000 at starting, may buy and sell and trade and deal, a Id profit t profit, lo;-.n MOBey at '20 per cent., and ehave notes at '25 or 30, and fret and worrv and stew through a long and btboriottl life, and at the end he will not have accumulated half as much as he would, had he made at starting, the same investment in real Otstate, sat down, took tliing OOOiy and waited on fortune. This is the. r. c pcrience." A pair of lovers, near Bristol, England, were taking a walk, when some slight disagreement arose between them, and the young man walked hastily away. The young woman soon went in search of him, and found that he had climbed tree and banged himself by his handkerchief. Nobody was near the spot, and the girl at once climbed the tree to cut her lover down, but she had no knife ith her, and the only way by which she could dbcft her object was by biting through Unknotted handkerchief. This, with some diflh'ulty, she succeeded in doing, and the you oh fell on the ground iusentsible. He was taken to a hospital, and it was considered doubtful whether he would re cover. Tiik following is a voluntary tribute to modest worth aud unobtrusive gentle ncas of character : " The wheelbarrow ; for simplicity of construction, "strength, courage, and general moral excellence, it is the superior of the veloclpcie, bp 1 ought to be encouraged." In arguing the health fulness of Florida, a letter-writer propounds the astounding statement that 44 no country is entirely freo from disease and death."