People's Pilot, Volume 4, Number 39, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 March 1895 — Shylock vs. Saphead. [ARTICLE]

Shylock vs. Saphead.

Shylock—Say, Sappy, let me suggest to you a business proposition. Suppose you give yourself no uneasiness in the future about what you are going to eat, and whatever you produce you turn over to me. Then, whenever you want anything to fill your stomach you will know where you can get it. Sappy—l dunno. Will I git anything for what I let you have? Shy.—Oh, I expect you will have to have something for it—enough, probably, to cover the expense of cartage and wear and tear. Sap.—What good will It do me to do that? Shy.—Why, you will have the assurance that your rations are on a solid ba.sis. I will conduct a comm: isary and you can go out of the burliness.. Sap.—What will it cost u\g? Shy.—Not very much. I will loan you whatever you want and charge you 10 per cent and you can pay me in commodities as fast as you produce them. Sap.—l don’t see anything in it fer me. Shy.—You don’t. Why, man, don’t you believe in elasticity? Just see! Whenever you have a surplus I will call it in and whenever there is a scarcity I will put it out. I just be Meve it will be the making of you. It has the indorsement of all the best financiers. It. is called the “Baltimore plan.” Sap.—Let me see. I loan to you in the first place for about nothing and borrow back for 10 per cent. That’s a losing game, hain’t it? Shy.—Oh, no. I will have to pay taxes: besides, I will add stability to the business. I will deal with you as I deal with everybody else, and you certainly ought to be willing to allow me something for serving as a public benefactor; for carrying the burdens and responsibilities of distribution and for serving as a check against a dearth or a redundancy of food supplies. Sap.—lt sounds pretty nice; I believe I will do it. (Exit Saphead). 11. Sap. —l don’t like the way this thing Is workin’. Shy.—Why so? ’ Sap. —Well, it’s this way I draw out so much but I have to take back more’n I draw out. There’s more going hack than ever comes out. Shy.—Well, what of it? S«P —Why, It’s only a question of time when you’ll clean me up. Shy.— l guess not. You must economise and work harder and produce More, Stop if U’» M bad as you gay,

yan don’t effect me to furnish you pravlzioaa fbr Mping. That's anarchy. ah#.—But f waat etg of this. I want ts baa die my awn shift. Shy.—Why, Sappy, I am surprised at you. I had supposed you would be contented wfien you had nothing to bother your head about but work. But here you are with a lot of wild and visionary notions that are absolutely impracticable. The idea of producing and issuing to yourself and controlling your own victuals is preposterous. Look at Argentine! *1 am a philanthropist and a public necessity. The fact that you patronize me proves that. You ought to rejoice that you know where to go when you are hungry. I should have absolute control of your “chuck” in order to keep It at a parity with all other “chuck.” You are not so much Interested in quantity as you are in quality. You should not desire to possess so much as to make it worthless. The value of your feed should be eqn&l to all other feed, pie, sorghum and squash always convertible into each other. By any other system there would be danger >( a slump to a basis of degraded and lebnsed material that would leave a Sad taste in your mouth. Sap. —lt may be. I’ll try It again. Let me have some more of that sowbelly and another sack of meal. Shy.—l can't do It. Sap.—You can’t? Shy.—No. We have retired part of our circulation. I have orders from headquarters to draw up on the puck*, erlng strings till confidence Is restored. That isn’t all; you are eating too much meal—so much that there is danger of driving all the doughnuts and fried cakes out of circulation. Sap.—Well, I don’t know qrhat to do. Shy.—l can tell you. Hard work 1* the boat cure for hard tlmea. Just dig right into It and never look up. Don’t bother your head about questions that should be left to those whe have made them a study. You are not competent. You have nothing to show for the success of your theories. I have. (Exit Sappy). 111.

Shy.—What’s the matter, Sappy? Sap.—l would like to know what haln’t the matter. la the first place I am suffering for something to oat, and I have declared war on this “Baltimore plan.” I want to abolish it. I boliove you said it was elastic, like “laje” rubber; that It would give and stretch and then dry up—stretch when you want to stuff a man and draw up whon you want to take off his feed. Now, It haln’t working that way. So far, I have done all the stretching and I believe I am thq only one where the drawing-up business is gettin’ In Its work. Their haln’t any elastlclsm in it. Hash is too scarce. There is got to be more of it in circulation. Shy.—lt Isn’t scarce. We have got dead loads of it, and if you will just hold up a bit and not frighten capital with your appetite you will get an opportunity to fill up. Sap.—But I must have something now. Shy.—l see that we will have to Increase the United States army. There Is no reasoning with you. Sap.—An empty stomach has no reason and it don’t know what fear Is. Look out! ' * * • Press dispatch: Last night, about dark, Shylock was raided by one Saphead, who seemed to be thirsting for carnage, and at this writing the doctor', have not been able to find all rhe pioces. Saphead is known as a desperate anarchist.—Leroy Miller, in Farmer’s Tribune.