Pike County Democrat, Volume 26, Number 10, Petersburg, Pike County, 19 July 1895 — Page 3

4%r§Utt County iff mortal ► M. MeO. 8T00P8, Editor tad Proprietor. - - INDIANA. PETERSBURG. IGNORANCE WAS BLISS. HE splendid steamship Adamant, of the celebrated Cross Bow line, left New York on her February trip under favorable circumstances. There had just been a storm on the ocean, so there was every «ehanee that she would reach Liverpool ‘before the next one was due. Capt. Rice had a little social problem ■*to solve at the outset, but he smoothed *that out with the tact which is characteristic of him. .Two Washington ladies—official ladies—were on board, r«nd the captain, old British seadog that he was, always had trouble in the ■matter of precedence with Washington ladies. Capt Rice never had any bother with the British aristocracy, because precedence is all set down _ in the bulky volume of ‘‘Burke’s Peerage,” which the captain kept in his cabin, and so there was no difficulty. But a republican country is supposed npt to meddle with precedence, It wouldn’t, either, if it weren’t for the •women. So it happened that Mrs. Assistant . Attorney to the Senate Brownrig came to the steward and said that, ranking all others on board, she must sit qt the xight hand of the captain. Afterward Mrs. Second Adjutant to the War De;partment Digby came to the same perplexed official and said she, must sit at ‘the captain's right hand because in ■Washington she took precedence over •■everybody else on board. The bewil'dered steward confided his woes to the -captain, and the captain said he would ^attend to the matter. So he put Mrs. War Department on his right hand and then walked down the deck with Mrs. Assistant Attorney and said to her: “I want to ask a favor, Mrs. Brown•rig. Unfortunately, I am a little deaf in the right ear, caused, I presume, by listening so much with that ear to the fog horn year in and year out. Now, I always place the lady whose con*versation I wish most to enjoy on my . left hand at table. Would you oblige me by taking that seat this voyage? I have heard of you, you see, Mrs. Brownrig. although you have never crossed with me before.” “Why, certainly, captain1,” replied Mrs. Brownrig. “I feel especially -complimented.” “And I assure you, madam,” said the polite captain, “that I would not for •the worlu miss a single word that,” etc. And thus it was amicably arranged ’between these two ladies. All this ihas nothing whatever to do with the ■story. It is merely an incident given *to show what a born diplomat Capt. Bice was and is to this day. I don’t ■know any captain more popular with 'the ladies than he, and besides he is »as good a sailor as crosses the ocean. Day by day the good ship plowed her •way toward the east, and the passenj.gers were unanimous in saying that they never had a pleasanter voyage for that time of the year. It was so warm on deck that many steamer -chairs were out, and below it was so mild that a person might think he was .journeying in the tropics. Yet they had left New York in a snowstorm With the thermometer away below --aero. “Such,” said young Spinner, who ■ knew everything, “such is the influ- • ence of the gulf stream.” Nevertheless when Capt Rice came • down to lunch the fourth day out his face was haggard and he looked furtive ;&nd anxious. “Why, captain,” said Mrs. Assistant Attorney, “you look as if you hadn’t 'slept a wink last night” “I slept very well, thank you, mad-.-amf* replied the captain. “I always -do.f “Well. I hope your room was more •comfortable than mine. It seemed to •me too hot for anything. Didn’t you -find it so, Mrs- Digby?” “I thought it very nice,” replied the •lady at the captain's right, who generally found it necessary to take an opjposite view from the lady at the left. “You see.” said the captain, “we ■Rave many delicate women and chil

1 ‘ISP *•*1 WASi* TO ASK A FAVOR, MBS. BROWWBIQ.” dren on board, and it is necessary to keep up the temperature- Still, perhaps the man who attends to the steam rather overdoes it. I will speak to him.” The captain pushed from him his vjntasted food and went upon the bridge, casting his eye aloft at the signal waving' from the masthead,, si* lently calling for help to an empty horizon. “Nothing in sight, Johnson?** said 'the captain. “Not a speck, sir.** The captain swept the circular line

of sea and sky wWh his glasses, then laid them down with a sigh. “We ouffht to raise something this afternoon, sir,” said Johnson: “we are right in their track, sir. The Fulda ought to be somewhere about.” “We are too far north for the Fulda, 1 am afraid,” answered the captain. “Well, sir, we should see the Vulcan before night, sir. She’s had good weather from Queenstown." “Yes. Keep a sharp lookout, John* son.”

"Yea, air.” The captain moodily paced the bridge with his head down. "I ought to hare turned back to New York,” he said to himself Then he went down to his own room, avoiding the passengers aa much as he could, and had the steward bring him some beef tea. Even a captain cannot1 live*on anxiety. j "Steamer off the bow ports air,” rang1 out the voice of the lookout at the prow. The man had sharp eyes, for a landsman conld have seen nothing. "Bun and tell the captain,” cried Johnson to the aailor at his elbow; but, as'the sailor turned, the captain’s head appeared up the stairway. He seized the glass and looked long at a single point on the horizon. "It must be the Vulcan,’" he said, at last. 7 "I think so, *ir.” "Turn your wheel a feus points to port and bear down on her.” Johnson gare the necessary order and the great ship veered around. "Hello!” cried Spinner, on deck. “Here’s, a steamer. 1 found her. She’s mine.” ‘ J ‘■Talk about the lane routes at sea,” cried young Spinner, the knowing. "Bosh, I say. See! We’re going directly for her. Think what it might be in a fog! Lane routes! Pure luck, I call it” "Will we signal to her, Mr. Spinner?” gently asked the young lady from Boston. ° {'. "Oh, certainly,” answered young Spinner. "Sec, there’s our signal flying from the masthead now. That shows them what line we belong to.” “Dear me, how interesting,” said the young lady. ^You have crossed many times, I suppose, Mr. Spinner?” "Oh, I know my way about,” answered the modest Spinner. » The captain kept the glasses glued to his eyes. Suddenly he almost let them drop. "My God, Johnson!” he cried. "She’s flying a signal of distress, too!” The two steamers slowly approached each other, and, when nearly alongside and about a mile apart, the bell of the Adamant rang to stop. "There, you see,” said young Spinner to his Boston girl, “she is flying the same flag at her masthead that we are.” "Then she belongs to the same line as this boat?” “Oh, certainly,” answered Mr. Cocksure Spinner. "Oh, look! look! look!” cried the enthusiastic Indianapolis girl, who was going to study music in Germany. Everyone looked aloft and saw running up to the masthead a long line of fluttering, many colored flags. They remained in place for a few moments and then fluttered down again, only to give place to a different string. The same thing was going on on the other steamer. j. "Oh, this is too interesting for anything.” said Mrs. Assistant. “I am just dying to know what it all means. 1 have read of it so often, but never saw it before. 1 wonder when the captain will come down. What does it all mean?” she asked the deck steward. "They are signaling to each other, madam.” "Oh, I know that; but what are they signaling?” "I don’t know, madam.” "Oh, see! see!”cried the Indianapolis girl, clapping her hands with delight. "The other steamer is turned round.” It was indeed so. The great ship was thrashing the water with her screw, and gradually the masts came in line and then her prow faced the east again. When this had been slowly accomplished the befr on the Adamant rang full speed ahead, and then the captain came slowly down the ladder that led from the bridge. "Oh! captain, what does it all mean?” "Is she going back, captain? Nothing wrong. I hope?” “What ship is it, captain?” "She belongs to our line, doesn’t she?” ’

“Why is she going back?” “The ship,’" said the captain, slowly, “is the Vulcan, of the Black Bowling line, that left Qneenstown,shortly after we left New York. She has met with an accident. Ran into some wreckage, it is thought, from the recent storm. Anyhow, there is a hole in her; and whether she sees Queenstown or not will depend a great deal on what weather we h&ve and whether her bulkheads hold out. We will stand by her till we reach Queenstown.” “Are there many on board, do you think, captain?” / “There are fifty-seven in the cabin and over eight hundred steerage passengers,” answered the captain. “Why don’t you take them on board, out of danger, captain?” “Ah, madam, there is no need to do that. It would only delay us, and time is everything in a case like this. Besides, they will have ample warning if she is going "down, and they will have time to get everybody in the boats. We will stand by them, you know.” “Oh, the poor creatures!” cried the sympathetic Mrs. Second Adjutant. ’•Think of the awful position. May be engulfed at any moment. I suppose they are all on their knees in the cabin. How thankful they must have been to see the Adamant.” j On nil sides there was the profoundest sympathy for the unfortunate passengers of the Vulcan. Cheeks paled at the very thought of the catastro>he that might, take place at any moment within sight of the sister ship. It was a realistic object lesson of the ever present dangers of the sea. While

those fm deck looked with new later* est at' the steamship plunging along within a mile of them, the captain slipped away to his toom. As he sat there there was a tap at his door. “Come in,” shouted the captain. The silent Englishman slowly entered. “What’s wrong, captain?” he asked. “Oh, the Vulcan has had a hole store in her and signaled'—” “Yes, 1 know all that, of course, but what’s wrong with* us?” “With us?” echoed the captain, blankly. “Yes. with the Adamant? r What has been amiss tot the last two or three days? I’m not a talker’nor am I afraid any more than you are, but I want to know.” ■: “Certainly,” said the captain. “Please shut the door, Sir John.”

Meanwhile there was a lively row oa board the Vulcan. In the saloon Capt. Flint was standing st bay with his knuckles on the table. “Now, what the devil’s the meaning of all this?” cried Adam, K. Vincent, member of congress. A crowd of frightened women were standing around, many on the verge of hysterics. Children clung with pale faces to their mothers’ skirts, fearing they knew not what. Men were grouped with anxious faces, and the bluff old captain fronted them alL “The meaning of what, sir?” “You know very well. What is the meaning of our turning around?" “It means, sin that the Adamant has eighty-five saloon passengers and nearly five hundred intermediate and steerage* passengers who are in the most deadly danger. The cotton in the hold is on fire and they have been fighting it night and day. A conflagration may break out at any time. It means, then, sir, that the Vulcan is going to stand by the Adamant.” “And, sir,” cried the congressman, “do you mean to tell us that we have to go'against our will — without ever being consulted — back to Queenstown?” “I mean to tell you so, sir.” “Well, by the gods, that’s an outrage, and I won’t stand it, sir. I must be in New York by the 27th. I won’t stand it, sir.” ; “I am very iforry, sir, that anybody should be delated. ” “Delayed? Hang it all, why don’t v\v* - vY.

you take the people ou board and take ’em to New York? I protect against this. I’ll bring a lawsuit against the company, sir.” “Mr. Vincent,” said the captain, sternly, “permit me to remind you that I’m captain of this ship. Good afternoon, sir.” i' “Why didn’t they turn back, Capt. Flint?” asked Mrs. Gen. Weller. “Because, madam, every moment is of value in such a case, and we are nearer Queenstown than New York.” And so the two steamships, side by side, worried their way toward the east, always within sight of each other by day and with the rows of light in each visible at night to the sympathetic souls on the other. The sweltering men poured water into the hold of the one, and the pounding pumps poured wafer out of the hold of the other, and thus they reached Queenstown. On the board the tender that took the passengers ashore at Queenstown from both * steamers two astonished women met each other. “Why, Mrs. — Gen. —Weller! You don’t mean to say you were on board that unfortunate Vulcan!” “For the land’s sake, Mrs. Assistant Brownrig! Is that really you? Will wonders never cease? Unfortunate, did you say? Mighty fortunate for you. I think. Why, weren't you just frightened to death?” “I was, but I had no idea anyone I knew was on board.” “Well, you were on board yourself. That would have been enough to have killed me.” “On board myself ? Why, what do you mean? I wasn’t on board the Vulcan. Did you get any sleep at all after you knew you might go down at any moment?” “My sakes, Jane, what are you talking about? Down at any moment? It was you that might have gone down at any moment, or, worse still; have been burnt; don’t mean to say you didn’t know the Adamant was on fire most cf the way across?” j “airs. Gen.—Weller! There’s some horrible mistake. It was the Vulcan. Everything depended on her bulkheads, the captain said. There was a hole as big as a barn door in the Vulcan. The pumps were going night and day.” Mrs. General looked at Mrs. Assistant as the light'began to dawn upon both of them. ‘•Then it wasn’t the engines, but the pumps,” she said. “And it wasn’t the steam, but the fire,” screamed Mrs. Assistant. “Oh, dear, how that captain lied, and I thought him such a nice man, too. Oh, I shall go into hysterics. I know I shall.” “I wouldn’t, if I were you,” said the sensible Mrs. General, who was a strong-minded woman, “besides it’s too late. We’re all pretty safe now. I think both captains were pretty sensible men. Evidently married, both of ’em.”—McClure’s Magazine. V

THE DIFFERENCE. mat bflMMtar th« 6mm la Hot 8mm for the uultf, AMordlag to ProtMtl*^ fart TbMrto The legitimate outcome of trying to protect all industries (and thereby protecting none) is shown in an editorial in the American Economist of May la Home and Farm, of Louisville. Ky., asks the very sensible and pertinent question: “Why should we protect sugar misers against pauper jlabor and not protect the cotton plant* er against the pauper labor of Egypt, and the wheat grower against the pauper labor of Russia and India?" To which the American Economist makes the following reply: “There is no reason why we should protect the sugar raisers from pauper labor and not protect the cotton planter. As a matter of fact,, the wheat grower is protected and always has been under a policy of protection. The cotton planters of the south have never asked for protection; they have always claimed that they did not need it; but we believe that the time is not very far distant when they will find that the increasing imports of foreign cottons are tending to cheapen the value of American grown cottons. We want no pauper products—no pauper prices —no pauper labor. Kentucky will be more prosperous with protection for all its industries, but nothing can be gained by narrow minded local selfishness Home and Farm should know this.” The Economist believes in “going it whole hog or none." It knows that duties' on such articles as wheat, corn and cotton do not, and cannot, protect farmers. Ko duty on an article that is exported largely and imported not at all, or but slightly, can be protective, unless the producers bf such an article can form a trust and maintain prices at home above those for export This, most manufacturers can do, and many of them havd'done, but it is next to impossible for farmers to combine in this way. Consequently, they get only bogus protection from their duties. But supposing it were possible to protect all industries alike by protection; and supposing, moreover, that the benefits of this protection were distributed evenly amongst all engaged in those industries—including even the factory hands, who never receive any protection benefits, and never hear of them except at election times—what would be the final effect of protection? It would be that each industry would be protected at th^ expense of all other industries and what any one would gain by protection would be lost by the time it had paid its share of protection to all other industries. It would be exactly like a game of pbker in which each participant had lost exactly as much as he had won—not counting time as of any value. It is impossible for every one around a gaming table to win more than he loses. It is equally impossible for every industry to gain more than it loses by protection—unless we accept as true the idiotic statement that the foreigner pays our tariff taxes. There is nothing in protection when it is applied “all hands round.” There .is much in it, for those on the inside, when applied to certain industries. Lat us not deceive ourselves about it. Byrox W. Holt.

HUM OF ACTIVITY. rhe Return of Commercial Prosperity Is - Embarrassing to Tariff Organ*. The hum of industrial activity has almost silenced the sinister predictions of the calamity organs concerning the disastrous effects of the new tariff. Whilst in one column they are constrained to publish accounts of the march of prosperity in nearly all branches of trade, in the next column they “doctor” statistics in order to prove thal the new tariff is “ruining” the textile manufactures. They are obliged to record the reports from Pittsburgh that all the leading indus-; tries in that great center—iron, steel, glass, farm implenaentv cte.—are in the full tide of prosperity. John Jarrett, secretary of the Tin Plate association. reports that “all the tin plate mills of the country are crowded with orders,” and are “running to their full capacity.” This is one of the protected industries of which “ruin” was predicted under the deadly influence of the new tariff. With grim humor the great industrial movement is described in tariff organs as “a recovery from democracy's blight.” What tis most remarkable is that the recovery from the “Might” has taken place within less than nine months from the passage of the new tariff, and under its full influence There has been no such exampl e since the same false predictions wen? made of the democratic tariff “blight” of 1846. Within less than two years after the passa ge of the tariff of 1846 the opposition to it, even in Pennsylvania, had died away. The opposition to the present tariff promises to be of still shorter duration.

For tne purpose oi matcm? an c nsec co the innumerable reports of industrial prosperity the tariff organs have raised a great clamor about the enormous importations of wool and woolen {roods within the last four months,anc resort to the tricky device of making comparison with the corresponding period in 1894, when the country was in the midst of industrial depression. A comparison with 1892 or 1893 would not serve their purpose; and they have, therefore, taken the year of calamity howling, when both foreign and domestic trade had fallen to the lowest ebb. The impudent assertion that the un-der-valuations of woolen goods have been largely increased under the ad valorem duties of the new tariff is completely refuted by the feet that under the McKinley tariff the ad valorem duties on the same imports were still higher and were enhanced also by heavy specific duties which no longer exist. When the McKinley tariff was in full operation the Woolen Manufacturers’ association employed special agents to assist the custom house officials to detect the fraudulent valuations of imports, which had grown to an enormous evil. And now

the (blue pretense Is made that these (rands have increased under the ad valorem dnties on woolens. But the opportunities for manipulating trade statistic and misrepresenting the new tariff are rapidly disappearing as the public becomes familiar with the (acts; hence the calamity organs betray a feveris h desire to make the most of the time that is left them.—Philadelphia Record, f WAGE STATISTICS!.

They f ifty No Attention to Bonadarlci «M Tarts Walla. It is popularly supposed that the immutable law of supply and demand operating throughout a country makes the wages for the same labor uniform in every' part of it, as a dearth of labor in any one place cannot be of long duration while men are employed elsewhere. A recent supplementary bulletin of the manufactures of the United States, however, says the New York Sun, shows this general view to be false. In (dorado the average yearly earnings of an employe of a manufacturing company was (730; in Montana, 8732; in Nevada. $718, and in Wyoming 8763. In the states where colored labor is abundant the total average earnings are much less. In Alabama the average is $367: in Mississippi, $310; in North Carolina, $367. In New York the average is $350; in Pennsylvania, $49-2; in Ohio, $479, and in Massachusetts $494. When it is considered to what extent the female and child labor enters into the factory operations in New York, the figures are surprisingly high. The total wages paid in New York manufacturing enterprises amount in ordinary years to $500,000,oca England stands at the head in Europe as the best market for labor. Scotland and France are a little behind her. Then there is a heavy drop until Austria, the Netherlands, and Belgium are reached; the scale goes still lower in Germany, where the rate is the same as in Ireland. Spain, Sweden, Russia and Italy follow here in the order given. According to the table of Bodio, an Italian authority, glass-blowers are the best paid mechanics in Italy, and paper-makers the poorest The rate of, wages in Italy, low as it is now, was still lower twen-ty-five years ago. In England an increase in the rate of wages has been about 20 per cent in twenty-five years. A French bricklayer now gets 50 per cent more wages than were paid for his work in France forty years ago.— Boston Herald. FALSE REASONING. The Tin Plate and Crockery IndostrtesHow Protectionists Argue. The protectionists have no trouble in proving the benefits of protection and the evils of free trade. If an industry is prosperous it is because of protection; if it is not prosperous it is because of free trade. Page 221 of the American Economist, of May 10, is devoted to showing hpw prosperous the tin plate industry is under protection—page 222 to showing how badly off our crockery industry is under free trade. It is true that the tin plate industry has been wonderfully prosperous since Wilson made a 45 per cent, reduction in the duty on tin plates—reduced from 21-5 to 11-5 cents per pound, It is also true5-that the .crockery industry is not as prosperous as it should be—since Wilson reduced duties from 20 to 45 per cent., or an average of only about 35 per cent. But what is the inference to be drawn from the tin plate and crockery industries? Is it not that the crockery is not as prosperous as the tin plate industry because the duty on crockery was not reduced as much as the duty

on tin piate? There is more in this theory than most protectionists are willing to admit. Thus, the crockery industry has enjoyed high protection so long that it has become full of trusts that sustain prices, lower wages, hold factories idle, and discourage inventions and improvements. If the protection duty had been abolished or reduced sufficiently to smash the mostof these combines (the present reduction has smashed several) and to compel a complete reorganization of the industry, it wpuld soon begin on an independent basis and would not only prosper but, because it would turn out more goods at lower prices, would give employment to more labor than is now employed. The tin plate industry being a new one and having gotten its start not mainly because of protection but because of great improvements, had not time under McKinley duties, to pet into solid petrified trusts that would make it one of the protected fossil industries. If the duty on tin plate be not reduced greatly during the next four years, it will have ceased to keep pace with its foreign competitors and will not, under ordinary circumstances, be more prosperous thar the crockery.industry now is. McKinley's Tariff Speech. Won't some kind gentleman please say something about the hard times which can only be improved by the restoration of McKinleyism? There is a common place, middle-aged goyernoi out in Ohio who is hoping that he will be;elected president on the strength-oi hi|& one little tariff speech. He doesn’t kfiow anything about any other question. and now that the silver issue hat come to the front, he is not doing mucb talking. Nobody asks him to talk. Nobody wants to hear him talk. But if he can’t get off that tariff speechlet once a month or oftener, people will forget all about him. So please, kind gentlemen, to pass some resolutions inviting the apostle of high taxatkw to grind out that speech once more. Inconsistency. The New York Sun is the bitteres* opponent of the proposition for a com mercial union with Canada, and pro fesses to believe that we would be in •jured by allowing Canadian goods t< come in free of duty. Yet the Sun it the most prominent advocate of the annexation of Canada to the United States How is it that free trade with Canadt would be a good thing if that countrj was a part of ours, but bad when it > wader a separate government?

RELIGIOUS AND EDUCATIONAL.' —The Indian students of the Carlisle Industrial school hare between 511,00a and $15,000 in bank toward a_ start is. life when they leave school. —Native-born teachers form 1.5 per cent, of the whole population; foreign* born teachers are much less numerous, constituting but 0.4 per cent. —M. PobedonosezefFs proposal that all elementary schools in Russia should be placed under the superintendence of the church has been rejected by the czar. —The proposed new Protestant Episcopal Diocese of Washington is tc consist of the District of Columbia and four counties of Maryland—Prince George’s, St Mary’s,Charles and Montgomery. —A Roman Catholic street preaching mission is being organized in Cleveland. Its work will be similar to that of the Salvation Army, but it will not adopt the fantastie methods of that organization. —The University of Kansas has employed women as instructors since 1887, the second year of ita existence. There are at present three women on the faculty. The librarian and three of her assistants are women. —The Salvation army has secured a strong foothold in Buenos Ayres. Dur- ' ing the financial troubles it was able to help thousands of men out of work to food and shelter. It has a thriving farm colony, and is training Spanishspeaking cadets. —The most numerous of the professional classes in our country when the tenth census was taken was that engaged in education. There were 227,710 pedagogues, who taught the young America idea how to shoot in the most approved fashion.

—The up-to-date ladies of the Trinity Protestant Episcopal Church in Towson, Md., are raising money with •which to buy a bicycle for the rector of the church, which he is to use in making pastoral visits and in attending to other parish duties. —Rev. ” Dr. John Hall, of the Fifth Avenue Presbyterian church of New York, has sent 81,000 to the treasurer of the mUlion-dollar fund which the general assembly voted to raise at its last meeting. This is the amount of income tax Mr. Hall would have been required to pay. —It is said that there are one hundred and twenty Buddhist temples in Canton. They are mostly dingy in ap- -> pearance, the chosen abode of bat& and of spiders, whose webs are black with the smoke of the ever-rising incense. In the courtyards outside congregate fortune tellers, hucksters and beggars in sackcloth, full of sores. Even gambling booths are not forbidden in the temple precincts. —A copy of the New Testament waa given to a man connected with the railway service in Tokio. Without examination he began to use it for waste paper. But one day he chanced to see the words “Love your enemies,” and was so impressed with this new idea that he asked for a complet copy of the book that he might learn more of this strange doctrine. The result was his own conversion and that of hif whole family.

WIT AND WISDOM. —How true it is there can be no tete-a-tete where vanity reigns.—Mme. de Girargin. —To see and listen to the wicked ie already the beginning of wickedness. —Confucius. —If Satan ever laughs it must be at hypocrites; they are the greatest dupes he has.—Colton. Kingley—Does your wife try to boss you as much as she used to? Bingo— No; she doesn’t even have to try now. —N. Y. Herald. —The wisest woman you talk with is ignorant of something that you know, but an elegant woman never ; forgets her elegance. — Holmes. —If the devil ever Stays away from church, it is when he knows the preaching will be done by a man who only knows God by hearsay.—Ram’s Horn. * —“So old Brown is married at last?** “Yes; a furriner, I ’eard.” “A foreigner? No, an English lady.” “Oh, I ’eard as ’ow she was a Tartar.”— Judy. ... ’ : —A slight answer to an intricate and useless question is a fit cover to such a dish—a cabbage’leaf is good enough to cover a dish of mushrooms.—Jeremy Taylor. —“What makes ton think he cares for you?” “Why, mamma talked to him for more than an hour last^pveiling, and he seemed to enjoy it!”— Punch. —Tommy’s Pop—Why is it the little boy who lives across the street seems to have no friends? Tommy—Why, his father’s a baseball umpire.—Philadelphia Record. —“Flattery hab great power,” remarked Uncle Eben. “De man dat ’grees wif everybody dat talks ter ’im gits er repitation foh . bein’ monst’oua wise.”—Washington Star. —Husband (irritably)—Can’t you remember where I said I left my glasses at breakfast this morning? Wife—I’m sorry, -dear, I really can’t, Husband— (peevishly)—That just shows the forgetfulness of you women.; y —Mrs. Fadder—What is yonr opinion of the new woman, Mr. Fogg? Fogg —From the sounds which come from the kitchen I should say that she is quite as expert at breaking crockery as the old one.—Boston Transcript. —Shingles—I’m not very well up in these things. Van Braam, so I thought I’d ask you if it is the correct thing to call again after dinner at a house. Van Braam— Invariably, Shingles. That is if the dinner was good enough to deserve an encore. —Pittsburgh-Chronicle-Telegraph. # —“Dat’s a funny ting ’bout women. Dey tinks dere husbands knows mow dan dere fadders, dat dey knows more demselves dan dere husbands, and dat dere fadders knows more dan dentselves. You can’t make dat game fit togedder no way; dere is always one chicken outer de eoop. See?—Chimmie Sadden.