Marshall County Republican, Volume 18, Number 9, Plymouth, Marshall County, 8 January 1874 — Page 2

ANOTHER VKAK. BT KCOKIU i. HALL. Another year hM gone to comp no room ; Its -ene of joy ami houra of frrief are done Tis gone where other yean have gone before, Where all must end that Ter was begun ; Wherr uataiit aud gray oblivion loves to dwell. And Infant tune first lisped the houra " farewell." Be!ow the fleecy folds of drifting snow, Like beauty laid at rent, the verdure liee. Beneath the ice, the silent river flow. The rippling rills are hidden from onr eyes. While time glides by as swiftly as toe wind, Aul only leaves his memories behind. The spring-time came, and, ere it passed ir.) , The world was robed in beauty everywhere ; The blooming roses and the new-mown hay Perfumed the breezes of the summer air ; Then summer came, and with her flying gold. The simple tory of a year was told. Farewell, Old Year, for thou art gone at lMt, And time has borne thee on his hoary wings Into the silent ages of the past ; And now, another year he proudly brings. Thy funeral dirge is chanted by the breeze, Through the bare branches of the leafless trees. The New Year comes with many frowning fears. Yet, with a thousand promises of joy ; The somber shades of maturer years Our youthful fancies and fair dreams destroy Yet, heavenly Hope looks down, with angel eyes, From gleaming, golden gates of Paradise. Ambition points us to the toilsome way That leads to worldly honor and renown ; Yet all life's fleeting phantoms must decay. And all our fading fancies totter down While coming bards may sing immortal songs Of our great failings and stupendous wrongs. There is one dream that never fades nor dies ; The dream of Heaven. How marvelously grand '. Tho' all life's howling tempests that arise, Sweep o'er the reck of ages where we stand ; We glance adown the pathway we have trod, And leave our imperfections all with God. O, Time '. roll down thy ceaseless course of change With all thy universal light and shade ; 0, mystery : before thy boundless range All human understanding falls dismayed ; Thy veil, that puzzles every human brain, By angels only can be rent in twain.

THE NEW YEAR'S STOCKIN. ' Never crosses his t's, nor dots his i s, and his n's and v's and r's are all alike !" said, almost despairingly, Mr. Simon QuiUpen, the painstaking clerk of old Lawyer Latitat, as he sat late at night, on the last day of the year, digging away at the copy of a legal document his liberal patron and employer had placed in his hands in the early part of the evening. "Thank Heaven ! ' he added, laying down his pen, and consulting a huge silver bull's eye which he pulled from a threadbare fob, " I shall soon get through this job, and then, hey for roast potatoes and the charming society of Mrs. Q. !" And with this consolatory reflection, he resumed his work with redoubled energy. Mr. Quill pen was a little man ; not so very little as to pass for a phenomenon, but certainly too small to be noticed by a recruiting grenadier sergeant. His nose was quite sharp, and gave his wild, thin countenance, particularly as he carried his head little on one side, a very birdlike air. He trod, too, gingerly and lightly, very like a sparrow or a tomtit ; and, to complete the analogy, his head being almost always surmounted by a pen, he had a sort of crested, bluejayish aspect, that was rather comicah Quillpen .1 id a very little wife and three very iitth; children, Bob, Chiffy and the baby ; the last the ultimate specimen of the diminuendo. It was well for them that they were so small, for Quillpen obtained his starveiihood by driving the quill for Mr. Latitat at four hundred dollars a year, to which Mrs. Quillpen added, from time to time, certain little sums derived from making shirts and overalls at the rate of about ten cents the million stitches. Whether Mr. Latitat was able to pay more was a question that never entered the minute brain of Simon Quill pen ; for he had so humble an opinion of his own merits, and was always so contented and cheerful that he regarded his s.Uary as enormous, and was wont playfully to sign little confidential notes Croesus Quillpen and Girard Quillpen, and on rare couvival occasions would sometimes style himself Baron Rothschild. But this last title was very rarely indulged in because it once sent his particular crony, a chuokle-hesded clerk in the poetoifice, into a cachinnatory tit which was " rather in the apoplectic line." M To return to our muttons." Simon dug awuy at his copying with an occasional reverential glance at a certain low oaken door, opening into the penetralia of this abode of law and righteousness, behind which oaken door, at that very moment, sat Mr. Lucius Latitat, either deeply engaged in the solution of some vast legal problem, or calculating the interest on an outstanding note, or consulting with chuckling delight a list of mortgages to be foreclosed. Wcli Quillpen finished his document, wiped his pen on a thick velvet butterfly, laid it in the rack above the ink, pushed back his chair from the table, withdrew the cambric sleeve from the right arm, and smoothed down his wristbands, having first put on his India rubber overshoes. The fact is, he was very anxious to get home, and he could not" go without first seeing Mr. Latitat. The idea of knocking at Mr. Latitat's door on business of his own, never once occurred to him. He would do that for a client, but not for himself. So he ventured on a series of low coughs, and finding no notice was taken ot them, he dropped the poker into the coalhod, the noise thns produced crashed on his guilty ears like thunder, or rather with the "roar of a universal earthquake. Slight, however, as it was, it brought out Mr. Latitat from his interior. M What the deuce are you making such a racket for ?" he exclaimed in tones that thrilled to the heart of his employe ; then, without waiting for an answer, he slightly glanced at the table, and asked, " have vou got through that job?" Yes'm I mean, yes's," replied the quivering Simon. Well, then, you can go. I'm going myself. Ton blow out the lights and lock the room. And mind and be here early to-morrow morning. Nothing like beginning the New Year well. Good night." "Mr. Latitat, sir !" cried QuiUpen, with desperate resolution, as he saw the great man about to disappear "please, sir could you let me have a little money to-night ?" " Why ! what do you w nt of money ?" retorted the lawyer. 1 Oh ! I 'tpOM you have a host of unpaid bills. " "No sir ; no sir, that'-, not it," Simon hastened to say. "I hain't g t nary btB standing. I pay as I go. Cash takes the lot !" " None of your coaiie. vulgar slang to me !" said Latitat. " Reserve it for your loose companions. If not to pav bills, what for ?"

" Please, sir, we, that is Mrs. Q. and my elf, want to put something in the thildren's stockings, sir." "Then put the children's legs in 'em !" said the lawyer with a grin. "I make no payments to be used for any such ridiculous purposes. Good night. Yet, stay take this letter there's money in it a large amount put it in the postoffice with your own hands as you go home." " And you can't let me have a trifle?" gasped Simon. " Not a cent !" snarled the lawyer, and he slammed the door behind him, and went heavily down the stairs. " I wonder how it feels to punch a man's head," said Simon, as he stood rooted to the spot where Mr. Latitat left him. " It's illegal it's actionable ; there are fines and penalties provided by the statute ; but it seems as if there were cases that might justify the operation morally. But then, again what good would it do to punch his head ? Punching his head wouldn't get me the moaey and if I was to try it on, finding that the licks didn't bring out the cash, I might be tempted to help myself to the cash, and that would be highway robbery ; and when the punchee ventured to suggest that, the puncher might be tempted to silence him. 0 Lord ! that's the way these murders in the first degree happen ; and I think that I was almost on the point of taking the first step. I really think I look 9 little like Babe, the pirate," added the poor man, glancing at his mild but disturbed features in the glass ; or like Captain Kidd, or leastways like Country McClusky N regular bruiser !" Sitting down before the grate, and stirring it feebly with the poker, he tried to devise some feasible plan for supplying the vacuum in his treasury. He might borrow, but then all his friends were very poor and particularly hard up at this particular season of the year. The bull's eye watch might have been "spouted," if he had foreseen this contingency ; but every avuncular relative was now at this hour of the night snug in bed, to a dead certainty. Purchasing on credit was not to be thought of, and the only toy-shop which kept open late enough for his purpose was kept by a man to whom he was to

tally unknown. Time galloped on, meanwhile, and the half-hour struck. "I'll slip that letter in the postoffice and then go home," said Simon sorrowfully, rising as he spoke and grasping his inseparable umbrella. "Hallo, shipmate! where-away?" caid a hoarse voice, and Mr. QuiUpen became aware of the presence of an "ancient mariner," enveloped in a very rough dreadnaught, and finished off with a large amount of whiskers and tarpaulin. "I was going home, sir," replied Simon, with the neferential air of a very little to a very big man. "Ay going to clap on hatches and deadlights. Well, tell me one thing whereaway may one find one Mr. Latitat a shore-going cove, a regular landshark, d'ye see ?" "This is Mr. Latitafs oflSce, sir, "said Simon. " Ay and he is within hail ?" " No, sir ; he has gone home." "Slipped his cable, hey? Just my luck ! Well one might snooze comfortably on this here table mightn't he? You can clear out, and I'll take care of the shop till morning." " ThaJ would be perfectly inadmissable," said Simon ; " the idea of a stranger sleeping here !" " A stranger !" cried the sailor. " Why, shipmate, do you happen to know I am ? Look at me ! Don't you find somewhat of a familv likeness to Lucius in my old weather-beaten mug ? Why, man alive, I'm his brother his own blood brother ! You must a heard him speak of me. Been cruising around the world in chase of Fortune, but could never overhaul her. Been sick, shipwrecked, and now come back as poor as I went. But Lucius has got enough for both of us. How glad he'll be to see me to-morrow, hev, old Ink and Tape ?' Simon had his doubts about that matter, but told the sailor to come in the morning and see. "That I will," said the tar, "and start him up with a rousing Happy New Year ! But I say, shipmate, I don't wan't to sleep in the watch-house. Have you never a shilling about your trowsers ?" Simon answered that he hadn't got a cent. " Why ? Don't that brother of mine give vou good wages?" ' flnormous !" said Simon. " What becomes of it all?" "I spend it all I'm very extravagant," said Simon, shaking his head. "And then, I'm sorry to say, your brother is not always punctual in his payments. To-night, for Instance, I couldn't get a cent from him. " " Then IH tell you what I'd do, shipmate," said the sailor, confidentially. "I'd overhaul some of his letters. Steam will open a wafer, and a hot knife-blade wax. I'd overhaul his money-letters and pay myself. Ha ! ha ! do you take ? Now that letter you've got in your fin, my boy, looks woundy bike a dokiment chock-full of shinplasters. What do you say to making prize of 'em? Wouldn't it be a jolly go ?" " Ctand off!" said Simoj, assuming a heavy round ruler, and a commanding attitude. " Don't you come anigh me, or there'll be a case of justifiable homicide here. How dare you counsel me to commit a robbery on your own brother? I wonder yon ain't ashamed to look me in the face " " A chap as has raised as many years as I have in the low latitudes ain't afraid to look anybody in the face," answered the " ancient mariner " grimly. " I made you a fair offer, shipmate, and you rejected it like a long-shore jackass as you are. Good-night to ye." Much to his relief, the sailor took himself off, and Simon, after locking and double locking his door, went to the postoffice and deposited the letter with which he had been intrusted. As he lived a great way up on the Neck, he did not reach home until after all the clocks of the city had struck twelve, so that he was able to surprise his little wife, who was sitting up for him, with a " Happy New Year!" He cast a rueful eye at the line of stockings hung along the mantle-piece in the sitting-room, and then sorrow

fully announced to his wife his failure to obtain money of Mr. Latitat. " Here 11 be nothing for the stockings, Meg," said be, "unless what the poor children put in ours." " I am very orry," said his wife, who bore the announcement much better than he anticipated ; "but we'll have a happy New Year for all that" Simon's roasted potatoes were completely charred, he had been detained so late ; but there was a little meal in the center of each, and charcoal is not at all jthealthy. He went to bed, and in spite of his cares, slept the sleep of the just. A confused babbling awoke him at daylight. Master Bobby was standing on his stomach, Miss Chiffy was seated nearly on his head, and baby was crowing in its cradle. Happy New Years and kisses were exchanged. " Oh, dear papa and mamma !" cried Bobby, "what a beautiful horse I found in my stocking !" " And what a beautif ul wax doll wjth eyes that move in mine," said Chffy and such a splendid rattle and coral in baby's. Go, do go down and see what there is in yours. " " This is some of your work, little woman," whispered Simon to his wife. But the little woman denied it emphatically. Much mystified he hurried down to the breakfast-room. The children had made the usual offering of very hard and highly -colored sugar plums ; but in each of the two large stockings, stowed away at the bottom, was a roll of bank notes, five hundred dollars in each. "Somebody wants to ruin us!" cried Simon, bursting into tears. "This is stolen money, and they want to lay it on tons." "All I know about it," said Mrs. Quillpen, " is that last night, just before you came home, a sailor man came here with all these things, and said they were for us, and made me promise to put them in the stockings, as he directed, and say nothing about his visit to you." u A sailor !" cried Simon " I have it ! I think I know you it is. Good-by I'll be back to breakfast directly. " Simon ran to the office, and found, as he anticipated, Mr. Latitat there before him. "A happy New Year to you, sir," said he. " Have you seen your brother?" "I have not," replied Mr. Latitat Simon then told him all that happened on the preceding night ; the apparition of the sailor the temptation the money found in the stockings, in proof of which he showed the thousand dollars, and stating his fears that they had been stolen, offered to deposit the sum in his employer's hands. " Keep 'em, shipmate, they were meant for you !" exclaimed Mr. Latitat, suddenly and qr.eerly, assuming the very voice and look of the nautical brother of the preceding evening. While Simon stared his eves out of hit head, Mr. Latitat informed" him that he had no brother that he had disguised himself for the purpose of putting his clerk's long-tried fidelity to a final test, and, that sustained triumphantly, had rewarded him in the manner we have seen. He told how, disgusted in early life by the treachery and ingratitude of friends and relations who had combined to ruin him, he had become a misanthrope and miser ; how the spectacle of Simon's disinterested fidelity, rigid sense of honor, self-denial and cheerfulness, had won back his better nature, and he wound off, as he shook QuiUpen warmly by the hand, by announcing that he had raised his salary to twelve hundred dollars per annum. The good news almost killed Simon. "Please vour honor," said be, endeavonng to frame an appropriate reply ' no that ain't it please your excellency you've gone and done it you've gone and done it ! I was Baron Rothschild before, and now no I can't tell what I am it isn't in no biographical dictionary, and I don't believe it's in the 'Wealth of Nations !' " "Well, never mind," said Latitat, laughing, "go home and tell Mrs. Quillpen the office won't be open till to-morrow, and that I shall depend on dinner with you all to-day."

A Prophecy. It is not impossible that the present j troubles under which the Spanish Re- 1 pubhc labors will eventuate la the wiping J out of that nationality. The event is not at all a novelty. Poland once men- i aced and almost conquered Russia Prussia was once only one of a coterie of German States ; Portugal was once mistress of the seas ; Holland once ruled the ocean ; Venice was once the greatest power in the world. We need not go back to the times of Egyptian, Judean, Assyrian, Grecian or Roman power to learn of the growth and decadence of nations. The New Zealander on the ruins of London is not an impossibility. Spam is more the "sick man' in Europe than ever Turkey was. Before this generation shall pass away this Government will control the islands of Cuba and Porto Rico, England will hold the Phillipine islands, Italy and Germany will have the Spanish possessions in the Mediterranean, and the territory of Spain itself will be divided between France, Italy and Portugal. This is no prophecy, but simply a statement of fact that current events foreshadow. El, The Influence of Newspapers. The Boston Iraveller states that a school teacher who had enjoyed the benefit of a long practice of his profession, and had watched closely the influence of a newspaper upon the minds of a family of children, gives as a result of his observation that without exception those scholars of both sexes and all ages who have access to newspapers at home, when compared with those who have not, are : 1. Better readers, excelling in pronunciation, and . consequently read more understandingly. 2. They are better spellers, and define words with ease and accuracy. 3. They obtain a partial knowledge of geography in almost half the time it requires others, as the newspaper has made them familiar with the location of important places and nations, their governments and doings. 4. They are better grammarians, for having become familiar with every variety of rtyle in the newspaper, from commonplace advertisements to the finished and classical oration of the statesman, they more readily comprehend the meaning of the text, and consequently analyze its contents with accuracy.

All Sorts. Sono of the seeds Put me in my little bad. The rich man's blunders paar current for wise maxims. America imported 114 lawyers and 230 physicians last year. Punch says the unfortunate man's friends live a long way off. Every eight minutes, night and day, one person dies, every five minutes one is born, in the city of London. Stattftics show that of the foreigners coming to this country last year 220,000 were Catholics and 207,000 Protestants. Mrs. Law, of Vermont, called her husband a liar eight years ago, and he has not spoken to her since, though remaining in the house. Kaiser William could sit his horse under a shower of bullets, but when it came to having an aching tooth drawn, he took chloroform. The standing array of the new German Empire. is rather a formidable array, comprising 625,720 men, 56,250 horses, and 576 field guns. The London Times says that life is lived so quickly in the United States that a man who has been five years in public life is almost a veteran. Mrs. Sam Colt, of Hartford sicms

every check and order for money used by her revolver foundry, and takee a walk through the establishment twice a week. There are in the full House 293 members, deducting nine vacancies. There are now 283 members--190 straight-out Republicans, 89 Democrats, and 4 Liberals. Mr. J tdfjst does business in Cleveland. There is one advantage about Mr. Jtdfjst's name you couldn't forge it with anything short of a photographic camera. A Sunderland (Mass. ) farmer raises a thousand dollars' worth of onions to the acre, and doesn't belong to the grange either. He thinks he is strong enough without it. From a return just issued, it appears that during the last twelve years England has expended a sum equal to $32,646,989 upon coast fortifications, distributed for the most part at Portsmouth, Plymouth, Portland, Pembroke, Sheerue8s, Dover, Gravesend, Chatham and Cork. A. society has been formed in Belgium for collecting all waste paper and selling it for the benefit of the Pope. The society has appealed to all the possessors of "bad books, such as the works of Voltaire, Rousseau, Diderot, Volney, and other detestable authors," to hand them over as waste paper. The foreign trade of Great Britain has not been satisfactory to her merchants this year so far. That nation sold $32,500,000 less of cotton, linen, silk and woolen fabrics, and had to buy $50,000,000 more of articles of food in the first nine months of this year than in the corresponding period last year. The Bingham Canon railroad in Utah cost only $141 per mile. The Salt Lake Tribune says that it is the cheapest railroad ever built in any country, an u demonstrates the fact that the great mineral resources of Utah can be developed in an extraordinarily short time by reason of their ability to build railroads at a cost but little above that of an ordinary wagon road. Mr. Lincoln's Religious Views. The Hon. William H. Herndon, the law-partner of President Lincoln, has grown weary of the attacks upon his veracity indulged in by Dr. Holland, Mr. Reed, and others, who have insisted that Mr. Lincoln became a Christian in the later years of his life, and has delivered a lecture in Springfield to establish the truth of his statement that the President died as had lived, outside of the Christian faith. He engages in the discussion with the boldness and energy characteristic of him, and certainly goes far to invalidate much of the testimony relied upon by the champions of Mr. Lincoln's orthodoxy. The truth probably is that Mr. Lincoln was one of the most reticent men who ever lived in regard to his own spiritual exercises. He had a deep respect for religion and for its outward symbols and forms. He had alro a profoundly religious sense, sometimes approaching mysticism. But it will be as impossible to prove that he was a Christian as to prove that he was not, and historians and biographers will divide upon this question, as they are divided now, according to their own personal beliefs or disbeliefs. New York Tribune. The Decline ef Methodism. A good deal has been said of late about the decline of Methodism, particularly in New York. The Northwestern Christian Advocate takes no stock in these stories, and presents the following interesting table. The figures stand for communicants : Citü . In 1840. In 1850. In I860. In 1870. Albany 1,071 912 1,766 2,085 Baltimore 10,706 11,813 10,01 15,145 Boston 1,671 1,874 2.473 4,391 Brooklyn 1,36 2,677 2,980 10,062 Buffalo 332 576 793 1,340 Chicago 154 693 1,410 4,177 Cleveland 488 303 860 1,069 Cincinnati 2,765 3,457 3,m 4,603 Detroit 241 558 809 1,449 Indianapolis 377 1,653 1,677 2,491 Hartor 1, Ct 250 291 375 665 Lowell 1,362 935 1,354 1,709 Milwaukee 89 287 497 1,021 Newark 753 1,710 3,316 4,6X9 New Haven 613 533 1,198 1,304 New York 6.175 8,828 11.42 12,516 Philadelphia 8,417 9,900 17,324 21,306 Piltsburgh 1,301 1,422 1,965 -.2,268 Portland, Me 706 715 1,005 991 Provideuce 618 62" 1,030 1,328 St. Lonis 71 994 669 1,609 Wilmington, Del.. . 731 1,030 1,555 2,227 Worcester, Mass. .. 261 301 376 1,032 Washington, D. c.. 1,687 2,624 3,134 4,688 Total 42,826 54,333 79,700 104,818 Cleansing Casks. The inquiry is often made of us by farmers, brewers, beef and pork packers, etc. , regarding the best method of deodorizing and cleansing old cider and beer barrels, musty cans, bottles, etc. Chemistry furnishes an agent in the permanganate potassa hich fully meets this want. A pi at of the permang nate turned into the most musty, filthy cider or beer cask, and rinsed about a few moments, will entirely decompose all fungoid growths and fermenting matter, and render the cask as sweet as those

that are new. The deodorizing, disinfecting power of the permanganate, holding as it does five equivalents of oxygen, is wonderful ; it will even deodorize carbobc i'cid. The only way to remove immediately the odor of carbolic acid from the hands, is to immerse them in the liquid permanganate. Boston Journal of Chemistry. Tweed's Daughter's Wedding A Gorgeous Erent, and its Sequel. Now that the statesman Tweed has assumed his position in a public institution in a healthy locality in the vicinity of New York, while some of his disciples in statesmanship have gone into country quarters for the present, says a contemporary, it is rather interesting to read over the story of his daughter's marriage, two years ago last June. The ceremony took place in Trinity chapel, and crowds assembled to gaze upon the magnificence of the affair. At Tweed's residence, the halls, stairways, parlors and chambers wore crowded with most ingenious arranger en ts of the most expensive exotics. The presents filled an entire room and were described as follows : M There were forty silver sets, any one of which would have attracted a crowd if placed in a jeweler's window, and one single one contained two hundred and forty separate pieces. Mr. James Fisk, Jr., sent a frosted silver contrivance representing an iceberg, evidently intended to nold ice cream or some other equally frigid substance. The association was beautifully sustained by the presence of arctic bears reposing on the icicle handles of the bowl and climbing up the spoons. Singularly enough, Mr. Fisk displayed the same taste as Superintendent Kelso, and their offerings were exact duphcates. Among the name.' on the silver were Shandley, Norton, Witthans. Carnochan, Maginnis, and many others. There were forty pieces of jewelry, of which fifteen were diamond sets. A single one of the latter is known to have cost 845, 000. It contained diamonds as big as filberts. A cross of eleven diamonds, pea size, bore the name of Mr. and Mrs. H. W. Genet as donors. A pin of sixty diamonds, representing a sickle and sheaves of wheat, was the gift of J. H. Ingersoll. Peter B. Sweeny's name appeared on diamond bracelets of fabulous magnificence. Cornelius Corson gave a ring with a tiny watch as the seal. Bronzes, thread lace, cashmere shawls, raie pictures, everything that could be conceived of which is rich and costly, filled the room with splendor. The trousseau of the bride included fourteen dresses varying in price from $300 to $3,200 each, though her wedding dress of white gros grain cost 81,000, to which 84,000 worth of point lace was added. A black silk walking suit was decorated with three hundred and eighty -two bows, aud others were elaborated correspondingly. It was a grand wedding even among the grand weddings of the great city ; but now this Tweed is jailed, and there are none so poor as to do him reverence. The Swedes and Norwegians. A correspondent of the Scientific American writes that "never could more dissimilar nations be united under one govern) aent than Norway and Sweden. Norway clings with the most absurd tenacity to old things and old ways of doing them, while Sweden is ready to advance with the rest of the world. The difference appears strikingly on the line of railroad letween Christiana and Stockholm. The road is about 400 miles long, of which, say, 100 are in Norway and 300 in Sweden. The time for express trains is about twenty hours. Of this something like 8 hours is taken for the Norwegian 100 miles, leaving 12 hours really only 11 hours for the Swedish 300 miles, or 12 miles against 25 miles per hour. But most of the travel in Norway is by the very old fashion of carioles and post-horses, the principal reads under Government care being in good order and the speed averaging, with push, six or seven miles per hour. The American Consul in Christiana which is the only active part of Norway is trying hard to get our mowers and reaper into use there, though thus far with indifferent success. In Sweden these things are being taken hold of with something like freedom.

A Reminiscence of Hoy. Allen. A friend informs us that when he was a boy at college he had a room-mate from the State of Ohio. He was fond of speaking of the celebrities of his native State, and Senator Allen was one of th ! chosen heroes. He related to our friend the following incident, which may prove interesting at this day. The Üenator was addressing a large audience in the native town of our informant. When about half through his speech, after making some positive assertion, a stentorian voice cried out, "That's a lie, sir f The Senator paused a moment, and then asked, " What is your name, sir !" The answer was given, M My name is Yaas. " The Senator responded, M I move the V be stricken from that man's name. All you in favor of it, say ay" And a hundred voices cried out, "Ay." " Now," said the Senator, "you are voted an ass. " A Doubting Daughter. There is a young lady in tl is city who is having more than her share of trouble perhaps, because she is having more than her share of beaux. A day or two ago one of her admirers called to spend the evening. Shortly after the young folks got nicely located, the girl's mother dropped into the parlor and soon fell to telling a long yarn. She sat directly in front of the young couple, and the daughter discovered that her mother's dress was open in front, and immediately inaugurated a series of winks and motions in hopes of attracting the old lady's attention to the fact. But the mother thought the daughter was doubting her story, and said: "You may wink as much as you please, but every word is true." The daughter " lit out," and the old lady finished her story. Sioux City Journal. Athsns, Ga., has a paper named Cat, with the motto, " I can scratch." ,

A PSALM FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE. A friend stands at the door ; In either tight-closed hand Hiding rich gifts, three hundred and three-aaore ; Waiting to strewthem daily o'er the laud Even as seed the sower. Each drop, he treads it in and passes by ; It cannot be made fruitful till it die. O, good New Year, we clasp Thin warm shut hand of thine : Loosing forever, with half sigh, half grasp, That which from ours falls like dead fingers' twine ; Aye, whether fierce its grasp Has been, or gentle, having been, we know That it was blessed ; let the Old Year go. O, New Year, teach us faith ! The road of life is hard ; Who our feet bleed, and scourging winds us soothe, Point thou to Him whose visage was more marred Than any man's ; who saith, 44 Make straight paths for your feet "and to the oppressed " Come ye to me, and I will give you rest." Yet hang some lamp-like hope Above this unknown way, Kind Year, to give our spirits freer scope. And our hands strength to work while it is da v. But if that way must slope Tombward, O, bring before our fading eyes The lamp of life, the Hope that never dies ! Comfort our jouIs with love Love of all human kind ; Love special, close in which, like sheltered dove, Each weary heart its own safe nest may find ; And love that turns above Adoringly : contented to resign All loves, if need be, for the Love Divine. Friend, come thou like a friend, And whether bright thy face, Or dim with clouds we cannot comprehend We'll hold onr patient hands, each In his place, And trust thee to the end : Knowing thou leadest onward to those spheres Where there are neither days, nor months, nor years.

Humorous. The best remedy for mercantile troubles A liberal use of printer's ink. Why is a poker like an angry word ? Because it stirs up a smouldering fire. What is that which no one wishes to have and no one wishes to lose ? A bald head. When is an encampment most likely to burn well ? When the tents are pitched. The most sentimental exercise yet known is said to be woman's eyes swimming in tears. Incredible as it may seem, many of the richest planters in Jamaica live on coffee grounds. Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy ? Because it's a hiding of the sun. When does mortification ensue ? When you pop the question and are answered "No !" Why is blind-man's-buff like sympathy ? Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow-creatnre. " What is your name, little girl ?" "Minnie." "Minnie what?" "Minnie Don't ; that's what mamma calls me." Mrs. Jenkins complained in the evening that the turkey she had eaten didn't sit well. "Probably," said Jenkins, "it was not a hen turkey. "He got a glass of water in his face. Who cut your clothes, Tommy ?" asked a visitor of a curiously ragged boy. " Well," said he ingenuously, " ma cuts my pants, and pa cuts my jackets." A father, in consoling his daughter, who had lost hef husband, Faid : "I don't wonder you grieve for him, my child; you will never find his equal." " I don t know as I can," responded the sobbing widow, but I'll do my best !" The father felt comforted. A preacher took up a collection on Sunday, and found, when his hat was returned, that there wasn't a penny in it. "I thank my God," said he, turning the hat upside down and tapping Um crown of it with his hand, "that I have got my hat back from this congregation." " Do you go to school now, Charlie ?" " Yes, sir ; I had a fight to-day, too." " You had ? Which whipped ?" " Oh, I got whipped," he replied with great frankness. " Was the other boy bigger than you ?" " No, he was bttler. 44 Well, how came you to let a littler boy whip you ?" " Oh, you see he was madder nor I was." Tea. The extent to which teas are adulterated may be inferred from the fact that out of twenty samples analyzed in London, only one was found free from frands. The leaves of other plants are largely used, and plumbago, iron filings and sand were found in it to give weight to the tea. Altogether, the investigation revealed a condition of things by no means calculated to " whet the appetite "for tea. It is an old saying that if people would relish a meal, they must keep away from the kitchen. So with tea ; if people would enjoy its flavor and stimulating effects, they must not too closely scrutinize the material which it is oomj osed of. The steady increase in the number of patents issued at Washington, year after year, shows the inventive spirit which is inherent in the breast of every genuine Yankee. From 1836 to the "present time, no less than 40,000 patents have been granted by the United States. It requires 100 examiners and 400 clerks to perform the duties of the bureau, and the fees collected for the past year amounted to $701,627, while the expenses were only $699,450. Of course, but few of the patents ever make the fortune of the inventor ; but it is estimated that one-half are, to a certain extent, remunerative, end a small proportion have proved of more profit than mines of gold to their owners. The foreign dispatches have several times of late conveyed intimations of an impending famine in Bengal, but have contained no details. The proceedings of a recent meeting held in London to supply this want. The population of Bengal numbers 60,000,000, and, according to the lowest estimate, 24,000,000 are suffering, and these fully onefourth will have to be relieved by Government aid. To keep life in this number of people for six months will require 6,500,000 tons of rice, requiring an outlay of $20,000,000 by the Government. An Indiana boarding-house keeper has a horse-pistol attachment to his hash, and any man who don't bike it is a liar.

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