Locomotive, Volume 8, Number 7, Indianapolis, Marion County, 14 April 1849 — Page 1

' 1 B R E V I T Y I S . T II E S 0 U. L, . 0 F W I T . ' . ' VOL VIII. CITY OF INDIANAPOLIS, SATURDAY, APKIL 14, 1849 No. 7.

THE LOCOMOTIVE

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The Model Mother-in-Law. : She is a tender creature and requires the nicest care and the hottest luncheons to keep her in good temper. She has only one child, a daughter, but she is passionately fond of her. She " only lives to see her dear child happy" and every body else miserable. " To insure this, it is neccessary to be constantly with her. Accordingly, she " brings her things" some day before dinner, and takes possession of the best bed-room, only to stop for a week. - Her weeks, however, never have a Saturday. She has

no knowledge of time, as measured by the week

month, or year, but is sadly put out if the supper

is not brought up precisely to the minute. but Julia always required a mother's care. She was very

delicate, even as a child, and the . little thing is far from strong now. She has never left her side for

two days together since the hour she was born. Her daughter must not walk "Do you hear me,

Julia? 1 will not allow it ; the exertion is too much

for you, and cabs are cheap enough, goodness knows

You must not exert yourself, child; so give me the

keys, and 1 11 attend to the housekeeping for you. The shopping is attended to from the same generous motive. The tradesman soon look up to the Mother-in-law as the mistress of the house, and it is not long before the servants are made to acknowledge her sway, and come to her regularly for orders. The husband is nobody a creature to give money as it is wanted, and to hold his tongue. If he ventures to remonstrate, he is "killing" her daughter; and as a mother she is not going to allow the murder of her darling child before her own eyes and not tell him what she thinks about it! He is reminded every day that he 44 little knows the treasure he possosses in that dear creature;" and if he hints anything about the creature costing him rather dear for a " treasure," he is asked if he calls himself a man ? If poor Julia has a headache the husband Is blamed for it. "It is his doing; he knows it is. Didn't he epeak harshly to her at breakfast?". If the dinner is badly cooked, he must not say a word, for the tears immediately flow, and the mother quickly upbraids him "as a wretch who dught to be ashamed of himself for speaking in that way to a suffering woman-" If he refuses to go to the continent, " his motive is very clear; but let the. crime be upon his own head! she would not have his feelings afterwards for a thousand pounds!", If he grumbles ahout any extravagant outlay, she is not going to allow her daughter to starve for the consideration of a pen. ny. She tells him he is kiVing her, and if the new curtains are not instantly put up in the drawing room, she will not answer for the consequences! She should like very much to know what he calls himself? The Model Mother-in-Law in her kindest mood is fearful, but she is most despotic when there has been a settlement made upon her . daughter. The domestic tyrant then rules with the iron rolling-pin of a female Nero. All the little attempts of the poor husband to maintain his rights are loudly an

athematized as " base machinations to secure her poor daughter's property. He wishes to drive Julia mad but she sees through his mean devices !" Letters too are rifled for secrets pockets ransacked for billet-doux, old servants dismissed, new ones hired, the dinner hour altered, the luncheon kept on the table all day, and the children brought home from school just as Mrs. Spitfire pleases. The house is quite a family Bastile. : No one dares move j

out or come in without her permission.'. The latch is surrendered, and the husband is quite under the Mother-in-Law's surveillance, and is only let out on

parole. Woe to him if he returns home a minute late? He is asked through the koy hole "if he's

not ashamed of himself f" and before he has wiped his feet on the doormat, he is told, loud enough for

all the servants to hear it, that " Julia is determined

not to endure his abominable profligacy any Ion

ger, the poor thing is sinking fast into a premature grave, and she is resolved upon having a separate

establishment. Ihe next morning the Mother-in

Law and her daughter leave with a hundred band

boxes, and the husband is left alone without as much

as the key of his tea caddy to console himself with.

But he is not allowed to enjoy his solitude long. A

St. Swithin of letters from the mother, in the name of her injured daughter, keeps pouring in upon him,

reproaching him with everything short of arson.

He is visited at length by his dread enemy even in person, and after an hydraulic scene, made more

terrible by the threat that " she will never leave

him till she has brought him to a sense of the injuries he has inflicted upon that sainted creature ;" he

is obliged to capitulate ; he falls upon his knees be fore his wife, and begs to be forgiven. The Mother

in-Law stands by, like a stern Nemesis of her sex,

and will not allow the poor culprit to rise before he

has confessed over and over again how deeply he was in the wrong, and " what an infamous wretch he must have been ever to doubt such angelic goodness ?" . The husband's children belong, properly speaking to the Model Mother-in-Law. She superintends their education, dresses them, whips them, physics them, and does whatever sho pleases with them ! She begs " he'll not interfere in matters he cannot possibly understand." It is at the advent of a new baby, however that her tyrannic power is the most absolute; the whole household then, from kitchen to garret, is under her thumb, and in the centre of a large circle of Godfreys, Gamps, Prigs, and Dalbys, she administers elixirs and commands alternately, which no one dare disobey. The doctor even succombs to her ; as for the poor husband, he sinks to the smallest possible point of virile in

significance, lie rings the bell, no one answers it; he wanders about a Peter Schlemhill in his own house, a husband who has lost even a shade of authority. He asks for his dinner, not a soul knows

anything about it. A bed is fitted up for him somewhere in a lumber room at the top of the house

He asks to see his wile, but is met by the Mother-in-Law at the door, and questioned if" the man re

ally wishes to kill his innocent babe and wife V'-

He is " the man. - - "

The Model Mother-in-Law is essentially a "strong

minded woman." She is always telling people 44 a bit of her mind." The husband gets a bit every

day. All his relations, too, who dare " to put their

noses into what does not concern them,", are favored with "a bit" a good large bit also. Her

" mind" like the bell of St. Sepulchre, is never tolled, unless it is the prelude to some dreadful execution. She dearly loves a quiet family.

The Model Mother-in-Law makes a principle of

residing with her victims. When once in a house, she is as difficult to get out as the dry rot, and if allowed her own way, soon undermines everything, and brings the house "in no time" about everybody's ears. She goes out of town with them every year. She should never forgive herself if anything happened when she was away, and she was not near her dearest Julia to aid and comfort her. The husband's comfort is never considered. If he does succeed in driving her out of his house, his torments

are by no means at an end, for the chances are that she takes lodging in the same street, and lives just opposite to him. . Then she amuses herself by running backwards and forwards all day, dropping in to dinner or luncheon about six times a week, or else watching everything that takes place in his house from over the window-blinds of her 44 first pair front." His only escape then, is in establishing a Society for the Promotion of Emigrtion from En gland of all homeless Mothers-in-Law who have only one daughter. If this should be fruitless, his only hope is procuring a Law to annul all marriages where the husband can prove that he has married " a treasure of a daughter," who has a " jewel of a . mother." If this remedy even should fail, he had better take a couple of Life Pills, for there is no rest but the grave, for the husband who groans un

der a Model Motner-in-Law.- Punch.

The Man who Fatheeed Forty-eight Children.

A verv good ioke came off the other dav. the

performers in which were a lady fresh from the

country, and our friend W., the lessee of the Vien-

noise Children. By some hook or crook, the lady aforesaid became possessed of the fact that he was

in some way or other the possessor of a family of

forty-eight children. 1 his was enough to make her

lay down her sewing and take to argument. After

viewing our friend from head to foot, she exclaimed 'Heavens and earth, do you say, feller, that you have

got a family of forty-eight gals V 4 I do, indeed.' 4 For the Lord's sake, how old are you?' 4 1 am

sixty in J une.' . 4 And how old are the gals ?' 4 The

youngest is si and the oldest sixteen , 4 In the

name of massy, how did any woman ever give birth to them forty-eight children in ten years, why that's almost half 1 a dozen a year. Is the critter alive, and where is the children?' 4 Down in

Broadway ; and if you will put your hat on, I will

do myself the pleasure of introducing you to them.'

Betsv, get my things forty-eight children in ten

years! Good airth, what are things coming to

and such a young looking man. . I wonder if thev

are all one woman's though? 'Taint possible.

Aunt Jerusha had twenty, and this was almost the death of her but," good Jerusalem, only to think.

of six a year, and followed up at that. He must

have had other women, that s sartain. Oh, the

wickedness of the world ! And such a good look'n man, too. Who'd think it? The very minute I

get home, I'll have Deacon Wiley open prayer for

him. To go to raisin such a family is dreadful to think on.- Betsy, get my things.'

A Judge once said to a lawyer who was more re

markable for the number of his words than for. the

sense of his speeches, that he was 4 very much like necessity. 4 How do you make that out ?' inquired the loquacious attorney. 4 Because, said the judge 4 necessity knows no law.' A young lady who was rebuked by her mother for kissing her intended, justified herself by quoting the passage : 4 Whatever ye would that men should

I do unto you do ye even sq therm'