Locomotive, Volume 8, Number 6, Indianapolis, Marion County, 7 April 1849 — Page 1

1 i B REV I T Y IS T H E . SOUL OF WIT." , VOL. VIII. CITY Or INDIAN A I' OLIS, SATURDAY, APHl'L 7, 1849. No. 6. ' "' ' ' "i

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A Book for the Locomotive. BY UNCLE, ED WARD. . CHAPTER III. On Friday morning last, at 8 o'clock, I projected my proboscis into the new car, free for all as had free tickets, and I had one of them sort. Well, blow me! when I got in there where was I ? Either I had mistaken the way to the depot and got into the Second Presbyterian Church, or the railroaders, by way of amusement, had hitched that edifice to the train. One or the other it struck me in a moment was the case, for there were the brethern, and sisters, and the stewards, pacing up and down the aisle, pointing out vacant pews to the congregation. But the preacher was missing, and I knew there was no collection to be taken up, so I thought I'd go it any way. I brought my phiz up to as pious an expression as possible, and took my seat. The bulgine whistled and away we sped, in church and state, which, by the way. I thought rather an antirepublican connexion. The day was bright and warm, so that we raised the windows and feasted our oculars on the great variety of scenery through which we passed. Occasionally a word of solemn wit was uttered, and a pious smile passed round. A sweet twang from a long musical bow now and then saluted the ear, followed by a delicate twitter from some highly titillated feminine.. Nothing, however, worthy of note transpired, and on reaching Columbus 1 back-slid from the church, and awaited the return train, concluding in my mind, that 1 not yet seen the elephant " all along." A little time intervening between the passing of the Cars at Columbus, I strolled about' a few minutes to see how much of the elephant there was there. With much satisfaction I soon discovered a small portion of him round the corner, where I was informed " the license has'nt run out." I gave that portion a slight examination, and whistled myselt back to the Depot. In a few minutes the train came up, and I was again in the new car, bound for the beautiful city of Indianapolis. Well! may be I Wasn't struck with astonishment on precipitating wy phiz into that vehicle. Think's I, them's the ghals, them is, and now I have seen the elephant "all along." And them's the b'hoys, them is. Well, 1 thought I'd rather kinder got into the wrong jneetin' house again, but I was soon informed the "Ull of 'em was a dancing community, and was cornin' up to our city to have a tare down. Amen, said 1, and the Lord prosper the elephant "aZZ along." And I wondered if he knowed he was ele

phant. Well I guess I didn't care, cause I knowed it. And law me, how every feller kinder sot up to

the g hals, and some, I thought, rather rolled about

as though they'd jest been hitched up for a drive through the vicissitudes of a life prolific of a variegated concatenation of untried and unanticipated developments of futurity.' It may not be so, but to my eyes it was some elephant. But what man, with the feelins' of human natur, could help but be

1 a little lovin' on such an occasion. Because I tell

you there was "a leetle dust," the nicest lot of g'hals there, that ever a bulgine pulled into any burg. And the b'hoys, what was Vhoys, looked splendiferous. They wore the " shiney boots," and looked sniptious. Them's the chaps' what fumbles the dimes. Them's the chaps what's the elephant " all along." I expect, too, I made myself monstrous agreeable to 'em by pushin' in amongst 'em, and not say in' a darned word to one of 'em and they didn't to me too, 'and made themselves monstrous agreeable likewise. Reckon they thought I wasn't elephant " all. along." However, . their g'hals was pretty good to look atf and I was amongst 'em for the trip. Could'nt coax me out of that new car, cause I had a free ticket. I sot there and took I

my fill of beauty's smile's, and sighs, and simpers, 'till we arrived at the depot, where a few hours before I had joined meetin'. Then I bowed myself

out of the car, and took an omnibus passage free to

Uncle Edward s domicil. " The Madison b hoys

crooked their arms at their g'hals, and they hooked on and filed off for the Washington Hall, at the close of which act the curtain fell again.

About 4 o'clock I stood on the shady side of

Washington street, near by where numerous carriages, buggies and omnibusses were gathered to

gether, for the purpose of conveying the young ladies of Madison whithersoever their capricious cu

riosity might desire. 1 saw the hull performance.

and thought the skill of the dri-vers was only sur

passed by the beauty of the dn-vees. They had a happy time, no doubt, for what's like settin' up to

a gal in a buggy. A fellow can just trot along as

easy, and say solt things so agreeable. Uut as 1

had no free ticket on that drive, I was nt in, and

will have to bid 'em farvvell 'till we meet again at the ball room, where all as had two dollars surely

saw the elephant "all along."

At 9 o clock, having previously pared the corns

on an old gnarled lot of toes, I entered the ball

room. Well, I hardlv think I was the handsomest

specimen of human form then present, but I did think as I peeped over an ambitious shirt collar, at the

balance of the company, that 1 was nt so bad to take. When the candles got a fair shine at me 1 looked

rather shkery. Yet, oh tailors, boot makers and

barbers, I was a mere Out door specimen to some

as was there. And here, all ye votaries of fashion,

let me say to you, when vou want to be geared up

in the latest cut so that your fair form will adorn the next plate of fashions, go to the river towns

where you can stand with one foot on a wharf boat and the other in Paris. You don't know nothing, nor

you can't do pretty as long you confine your ideas

of gentility to this far off, flat, inland frog pond vicinity. But to the dance. Thirty couple or more

all goin' it, lust as if Millensm was defunct and they

did'nt care a darn whether Gabriel ever blowed.

And oh such beautiful girls. Unsullied gems of

purity, magnificence and loveliness. Ihe night was morn, and summers sunshine kissed the dewy robes of flowers that breathed their first and sweet

est budding fragrance. And they were not of this, or the other city, but of both. I cannot choose

from out the group a single flower and call it beau

tiful, most beautiful for the lily and the rose who can choose between. But list! the meandering'a of the great good old fiddle begins, and corns all

easy, away goes Uncle linward along with 'em " hands all round," to take a look at the elephant " all along." The I wo fiddlers made a "concord of sweet sounds" that was vastly exhilarating, and ex-, tended its effect for many feet around. The whole scene was harmonious and truly one of" mirth and innocence," and seemed a remnant of " old Saturn's reign of sugar candy." All danced to satiety, and till a good old hour of the night. I declare I thought my old bones would have been shattered, and left me, a poor bachelor, wrecked on the floor, but they did their office well. Although I came off the field reeling, it may have been from drinking brandy to the health of the company, and particularly to the withered ones with whom were my sympathies, more than from fatigue- " Man is dear to Man" and particularly an old bachelor to a brother of the same sort, and most particularly an old bachelor to an old maid whose hearts, from beneath the shrivelled surface, still

beat ( sad muffled drums) hope's lingering sigh in unison. Now, perhaps, vou think there were none.

such there. Tell me, did not the old tree, stripped of its green leaves, bow to something of the sort. But young or old, all went merry, and the curtain fell parting us in lingering smiles. When I think" upon the pleasure past, and the sweet smiles that kindly played upon me occasionally, it delights my old heart. "Ha, ha, ha, oh! oh! what's that 1 Gout, Gout ! I'm goin' to git married. No, no, that won't do I ought to thought of that twenty years ago." Yes, if I had been, I would not have been, like an old fool, galloping round with young ones at this time of life. No, long, long ago, I . would have seen the elephant "all along," and now been patting the little Edwards, according to the true principle of domestic felicity.

Mr. Editor. As you have no local department in your paper, and as such is absolutely needed, I will, from time to time, keep your readers advised of things of a local character. That th morals of our city are in a lamentable state, no sane man will deny, and it needs but a glance at " Indianapolis as it is," to convince any one that such is the case. Murder after murder is committed with, impunity, the perpetrators of which are suffered to go unpunished, on the plea of self defence ; houses of prostitution are being built in our very midst, and lewd females are continually perambulating our streets, " seeking whom they may devour." Almost nightly we hear the yellsof the young Tads, ( and old ones, perhaps, ) while engaged in barricading the alleys with boxes, and before the eyes of one of the city officers, who exclaims " treat me, boys, aud then . do just as you please and the Saloons do sell liquor, despite the efforts of the Sons, and all friends of moral reform. I ask, is not this a deplorable state of morals, in this, the metropolis of a great state, and in the very place, too, where laws are enacted for the government of these morals? And can we reasonably expect a reform under the present inefficient city officers ! No, and until the people see fit to select proper officers to preside over them, it is perfectly absurd for them to expect any thing else. I shall endeavor to ferret out the dens of vice, as far as possible, and nothing shall be left undone on my part to bring about a reform. We are credibly imformed that a gent who has