Locomotive, Volume 8, Number 2, Indianapolis, Marion County, 10 March 1849 — Page 1

v "brevity 1S T he soul of wit," VOL VIII. CITY OF INDIAXAI'OLIS, SATTJBDAY, M A It C II 10, 18 4 9. No. 2

THE LOCOMOTIVE

15 PR I.N TED AND PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY, AT THE BOOK AND

JOB OFFICE OF DOUGLASS & ELDER, OPPOSITE BROWMNG'S, BY - DAVID R. ELDER & CO. TERMS One dollar a year, of 4 volumes. 25 cents a volume of 13 Numbers, Krln advance-CO- No paper will be sent until paid for, and no paper will be continued to Mail subscribers after the time piid for expires, unless the subscription is renewed. Advertising For the first insertion, 5 cents per line; each subsequent insertion 3 cents per line. Religious and benevolent notices, Births, Marriages, and Deaths, gratis. - ' Communications and subscriptions must be addressed, Post Paid, to The Locomotive, Indianapolis hidiana or handed into the Publication office, opposite Browning's Hotel.

A Book for the Locomotive. BY UNCLE EDWARD. PREFACE. It is the duty of every author of a book intended for the public, to let the object of it be known. This I feel a very hard matter, tojclo. However, it may be well to- say that it is not the object of this,

in the least degree, to jar the order of nature, or to destroy the social fabric of humanity. It is designed (if it has any design at all,) to occupy the leisure moments of those who have no better way , to kill time. So, friend, if you have taken your coffee this morning, taken the black soil (which, by the by, some consider necessary to growth,) from under your finger nails, washed your mouth ou clean, and rammed into it a great twist of black tobacco, so that you can spit your filth all about you, and slobber yourself sufficiently, sit down and read and understand. I make no syllabus, but leave the subject to be treated of, the manner, etc., to future consideration. Sometimes the bright sunlight of humor may play upon whai I say, and again the

shadows of seriousness and gravity may darken it;

but as the whole is in my own mind " rather mixed"

as yet, we must wait to see what the wheel turns. CHAPTER I. Ah, my poor bones, 'what a task they've taken on them, and how they need a little ointment, similar in nature to that wherewith the canaller's cart is often anointed to make it move more easily. But iff in attempting to make a book, I have gone beyond my ability, I am but one specimen of many of tKe human species. What if I have undertaken more than I can do ? Ah ! how many a poor fellow I have known similarly situated. How many a poor devil is crushed by the weight of his load. Listen to the groans of your acquaintances. The professional man, the merchant, the mechanic, the farmer, and (not out of disrespect) lastly, the loafer, all assume to do more than is possible. The preacher has

"lore congregations, or larger, than he can minister to, and consequently many poor mortals have to trudge along with sore and bleeding feet, ragged and half starved, through the thorny, thistly, rough, stony paths of sin and error. The lawyer has more vengeance seeking clients than he can find justice for, and consequently many poor devils have to be dismissed without being fleeced, by the dignity of the law, of their last dollar. The physician has too niany calls for death doses, and consequently many poor, lousy nuisances are permitted to recover and mfest the country. The merchant has more speculations on hand than he has capital to build on, and

consequently stands gazing on the golden prospect till some secret flue collapses, and he beholds all his visions in fragments, scattered through the empty air, and falling mercilessly about a defenceless, beggared home. The mechanic throws down his tools, and in mighty schemes fills the world with work wrought by patent labour saving machinery. He stands by with hands in pockets, gazing in wild delight on his patent turning out its thousands, till a screw slips,

or a cog breaks, and away goes the machine, carry

ing him with it to that general state which as yet

no one has been pleased to patent, called abject pov

erty. The farmer looks over the bill of prices and fees how barrelled crunters fill the pocket. He

knows where the bank is, and what a note endorsed

by good neighbors will do. .He lets fall the axe at the root of the tree, and stops the plough in the

furrow. Wild briars grow up in the fence corners

and the half cleaned fields are jeopardized. He

sallies forth and (prices high) rolls out the farm at high rates.' He ships his fortune into market; but

the tide of speculation has ebbed. He sits high and dry on his barrel of pork till compelled at last

to return his venditioni no sale for want of bid

ders. Bad luck to banks thinks he, and glory be to

General Jackson. The farm is lost, and his little ones in poverty, humbled, cry to him in vain for

bread. And all this because he did too much. 1 h

loafer, last of the category, poor, unfortunate block

of stupidity, who enjoys a " free and unencumbered

estate in sunshine, he too, takes on himself more

than he can accomplish. He stands and looks in

vacant reverie on passing objects, till the vale of

heedlessness closes his eye in an opiate sleep, from which he never arouses. , He eats and sleeps, till at

last, forgetting the way to his mouth, he loafs him

self into some other world. And this is all because

he makes the business too extensive. Oh! would

that many who are thus gradually passing into

Loaferdom, would divide the honor with their neigh bors. . Now what more, if I fail in my attempt to interest you, do I than other men in other pursuits. I

load my mental donkey too heavily and. the poor animal falls under the burden. And, oh! what a

world is this for books and writers of books. See the poor authors with their loads of manuscript clambering wearily up the ladder of fame. And they are not all on the ladder, either. Thousands are at the bottom, bustling about over tho dead bodies of those who, more light headed than the rest, have climbed to the giddy height of a round or two and fallen their epitaphs, like snow, falling more slowly and gently than themselves, and burying them in oblivion. But I have nothing to do with that ladder. I do not write for fame, but for the Locomotive. Some folks may thtnk the business picayune, and the paper too, but those folks should remember

if it had not been for their picayune disposition, they would not now have such contempt for picayune matters. I like to hear picayune people talk

in hundred dollar style. Oh no, when I climb for applause, I climb. trees whose leaves, as they are

clipped by autumnal winds and fall around me, remind me that time soon knocks large things and small, without distinction, into a cocked hat, or something of as little utility. Sometimes it knocks young men with large feelings and high anticipations, into dry, old sticks of insignificance. Sometimes beautiful young girls into antiquated old machines for the reception of silks, satins, cosmetics,, beautiful hair, teeth, and whatever isreqisite to frighten time into the back ground a few years. But things are so and it cannnot be helped. The world is rather too old now to be mended in small particulars. We are

very foolish if we stop to tell the fop, who in order to color his moustache, pastes it over with that which , when rubbed off, brings skin and all, that such an act is below common sense; or "the hoosier, who munches his gingerbread along the street, that he is not refined. But I must conclude this chapter. I must not weary you too much at first, or perhaps I cannot get your attention again. If you are not satisfied with this do not despair. . There may. be something better to come. It seems to me (I mav

be deceived though) an angel cloud of brightness rests on the bosom of the dim future. - Dont give For the Locomotive. Well, my little Loco, how goes it? how are things going about the City 1 I want your little bulgine to go ahead, I do, for you may depend we couldn't do without it here. Why, sir, it's tolndi anapolis what a Locomotive is to the railroad ; besides, it saves to those who have friends abroad the answering of all communications if we want them to know what is going on we subscribe for the Loco and send it to them. There's not been much excitement lately, because every body's peaceable and minding their own business. Well the way to get up a little interest, and raise a breeze, is to write a piece for the Loco ; some fellow will get mad and answer it; everybody will take sides, and then time won't drag along so it will make everybody lively. Well in your next No., if you don't care, I'll tell everybody their faults; yes sir I'll complain on all, but I'll take one at a time, and if any body dare to defend, I'll prove it to their teelh that I am right, and he can't stop me, neither, for while he is taking up one case, I'll be writing about another. Oh

pshaw ! they can't keep up with me to save their lives, for I'll have " Madam Rumor,'' and her broth

er-in-law, Mr. " They sa;" that's it. This, Mr.

They say," he'll start the question, and they say -

he is first rate at it; he can do it so innocently at

almost any little gathering, and hand it over to

Madam Rumor,, and between them they can make

the most out of a small capital with the least trouble to themselves, of any body in all creation. Why

sir, all they have to do is to take a little Tea Table

smoke, and mix it with a little of " TJiey Say's" compound, that somebody said she heard that it was rumored, that they heard, that Miss Longtongue

thought Jinney the servant gal, told as how she heard Mother Spectacles told some body, she be

lieved the parson's daughter, laughed right out, so she did. This mixture, by passing it around, will in a little time make a full grown, wonderful, great big, huge, monster, specifically called Doctor they say's specific. A few applications of this to the patient, who must be nursed by Madam Rumor, and there is no danger but that dreadful disease called good character will be removed. This specific has worked wonders, especially among the unprotected. Widows and young ladies are attended to free gratis for nothing, and as Madam Rumor has enlarged lately, and has engaged the services of the celebrated Doctor Slander, one of them is always at their office. They have been wonderful successful lately, but I ain't a going to say any more about her,