Locomotive, Volume 8, Number 1, Indianapolis, Marion County, 3 March 1849 — Page 4

A jest's prosperity lies in the ear ' 01 him that hears it never in the tongue : . Of him that makes it." Love's Labor Lost. : A Fish Story An Irish laborar in New York growing thirsty under the influence of a hot sun, went hastily over to the nearest hydrant for a drink, and clapping his capacious mouth to the spout, imbibed the Croton just as it came, in the most forcible and plenteous manner imaginable. Hardly had poor Paddy, however, tasted the gushing flood that distended his cheeks, when he started bolt upright, and, with a look of amazing horror, commenced a series of.pantomimic contortions which were absolutely painful to witness. Ow ow ugh !' he groaned convulsively, at the same time clawing at his throat in a frenzied manner, while he spirted the water forth again with the energy of a wounded whale ; then suddenly recovering the use of his speech he shouted 4 Och, murther ! but he's gone, its all over wid me now!' What's gone V exclaimed the crowd that had gathered around him' What's gone V 4 I've swallowed him ! . Oh, howly St. Patrick! I've swallowed him !' And what the deuce is't it ye've swallowed ?' . s A snake ! a murthering snake I oh, howly Saint Patrick protect me 1' Sure then, you've made a savin' o' yer dinner!' said a fellow laborer, more alive to fun than sympathy; while a shout of mingled laughter and incredulity followed, in which even the poor sufferer could hardly refrain from joining. 4 But was it alive, man V inquired an individual when the confusion subsided. Alive, did ye say ! By the blessed powers, ye don't think I'd be after eating him dead ? Alive, is it ! and didn't he jump down me throat in-spite of me teeth ? Then clapping his hands to his stomach, he exclaimed, Och, hone, he's squirming now ! Oh, howly SU Patrick! O why didn't ye do yer work entirely, and kill the snakes in this murthering country too ? Help ! he'll bite the insides ov me ! Oh, howly Moses I Help ! murther ! fire!' and poor Pat, distracted by fear, cut more capers than a Camanche at a war. dance. Tut, tut! Be quiet, man !' returned another, ' how do you know it was a snake ?' - How does I know, is it ? Didn't I,fale him wiggling his tail ? Oh, howly Saint deliver me !' A benevolent looking gentleman .here suggested that it might possibly be a fish, or perhaps an eel ; and remarked that there ought to be a filter attach

ed to every -hydran in the city, as the water was

full of all sorts of animalculae, etc. It's an ail ! it's an ail !' shouted a hodman, catching at the idea. Mike, it's an ail ! Run for a phalter, and you'll catch the rascal prisintly.' .

'A filter ! a filter !' was the general cry. 4 Run, Mike, for a filter !' Without waiting to inquire into the feasibility of using the article in question for

the purpose desired, the poor distracted son of Erin

started with the speed of a race horse for the office

in Broadway, where the picture of Hebe standing

in the window pours her never ceasing fount.' -- 4 A what d'ye call 'em !' cried he, rushing fran

tically into the establishment. 4 A snake-catcher,

for the Jove of ! A snake-catcher ! Oh, howly St. Patrick !' he continued, snatching up one and

-applying it energetically to his lips. 4 Come out

wid ye, ye thief o the world !

4 My good fellow,' said the astonished knight of Diaphragms, 4 what's the matter with you V 4 Matther, is it ! isn't everything the matter ? a snake is the matter ! I've got an ail in me stomach! och, hullaboo! hullaboo!' 4 An eel ! how came an eel in your stomach?' 4 And didn't the varmint jump into my mouth without sowing by yer leave V said the bewildered sufferer, endeavoring to screw the filter to his lips, 4 But,' my man, that won't do any good now. It should have been attached to the hydrant and then you migiit have drank with perfect safety-'

4 And won't it catch him now V asked Mike, in a piteous tone, turning aghast as he dropped the instrument in despair.. . . 4 Of couse not how should it ?' ' 4 Och, murther! what will become of me?' exclaimed Mike, with an agony truly painful to behold. 4 Get a sockdolager fish-hook !' shouted a wag from the crowd. v-.. ' ' ' ' ; 4 Run for a doctor !' said another, and get a stomach pump !' - This suggestion was instantly followed, and he started for a drug store near by. The apothecary, however, applied an emetic instead of a pump, and the poor fellow after violent retching, ejected a lively black eel, about six inches long. 4 Oh, howly St. Patrick !' he exclaimed, experiencing immediate relief. 4 Why didn't ye make-

clane work ov it, and kill the ails as well ! sure and

they're first cousin to the wicked, sarpints. . Devil a dop of water will I iver drink again in this blessed country, without a snake-cetcher on my mouth !' - And, with sundry other resolutions, which would have shocked the ears of a temperance man, poor Mike, pale and trembling with exhaustion, returned to his work. JV. Y. Spirit of the Times. . Jonah and the Whale. 4 My son, hold up your head, and tell me who was the strongest man ?' 4 Jonah.' 4 Why so?' - - ... - - ' 4 Cause the whale couldn't hold him after he got himdown. - That's a man you Kee.d'nt study the catechism any more at present.' 1 Apt Reply. An honest son of Erin, green from his peregrinations put his head into a lawyer's office, and asked the inmate, 4 what do you sell here V 4 Blockheads,' replied the limb of the law. 4 Och ! then to be sure,' said Pat, 4 it must be a good trade, for I see there's but one left.' . Kissing to Some Purpose. The Sandwich Ob

server has a story of a singular scheme for raising

funds, which was hit upon and put in practice at a donation party held not more than a thousand miles off. It appears that some of the kissable ladies present actually allowed their sweet lips to be tasted at the fate of fifty cents a kiss this being considered a suitable price for the privilege ! If we are not misinformed, one gentleman of the party took five dollars' worth !

Pride of Birth. An Irish Baronet disputed

with a French courtier as to the age and standing of their families, when the latter, as a finisher to the argument, said that his ancestors were in the

ark with JNoah. , 4 That is nothing,' said the tiioerni

an, with a rich brorue, 4 for at the deluge, my fore

fathers were cruising about in a boat of their own.' Every hour that a man is in debt is a year spent

in slavery. Your creditor is your master; it mat

ters not whether a kind or a severe one, the sense

of obligation you incur saps the feeling of manly independence, which is the first charm of youth ; and, believe me, it is always through the rents in moral feeling that our happiness comes out quickest.

Colton says, 4I once heard a gentleman make a very witty reply to one who asserted that he did not believe there was an honest man in the world. 4 Sir,' said he 'it is quite impossible that anyone

man should know all the world, but it is very possible that someone should know himself. Who is He ? A man was found at Trenton, the other day, mounted on a ladder, with his lips pressed to the telegraphic wires. He was kissing his wife in Philadelphia 4 by telegraph.' It was found afterwards that he was a newly married man. Very Natural. 4 1 have a great aversion, to Auburn locks,' as the criminal said when he took lodgings in the Arburn prison. -

4 Well, Mrs. Mundy, how are you this evening?' 4 Oh, Mrs. , I am verv unwell : am nnlto ,t

. - , ' 1 " VUk of spirits.

Bless you, ma'am, don't take on so,' said the servant, 4 there's three bottles left yet.'

The Golden Country. Such is the

the soil in California,' that steel pens, if put into the ground over night, are found to be gold ones on the following morning.

Mrs. Partington. 4 How these sh nnlrppnpra twill

fib it,' said Mrs. Partington, with an exnressirm

pain on her venerable features; 4 that young man I

uuugui neeaies oi, saia iney were good-tempered; and only see how spitefully this one has mastra.

ted my finger !'.- .

4Digby, will you take some of this butter?' 4 Thank you, marm, I belong to the TemDerance

Society, and can't take anything strong,' replied Digby. ' ,

'John, how I wish it was as much the fashion to

trade wives as it is to trade horses.'

4 Why so, my dear friend ?' 4 I'd cheat somebody most, shockingly afore night! !' A good Comparison.- We have read somewhere

that a coquette is a rose from which every lover

picks a leaf the thorns are reserved for the husband. 1 - Juvenile Philosopher. An unbreeched urchin, not quite three years old, said to his sister, while munching a piece, 4 Sis, take half ob dis cake. to keep till arternoon, when I get cross!' This is rather better than the story of the child who bellowed from the top of the stairs, 4 Ma'am, Hannah won't pacify me !' Slightly Irish. An apothecary lately sent in a bill to a widow lady, which ran thus : 4 To curing your husband till he died !' Tom Moore compared 4 first love' to a small pptatoe, because it shoots from the eyes. Very good! 4 Or rather,' exclaimed Byron, 4 because it becomes all the less by 'paring." Even better! Final Civilities. 4 What will you take ?' asked the sheriff to the culprit he was about to hang. 4 Not a drop,' was the quaint reply. Witty Commentary. A lady wrote upon a window some verses, intimating her design of never marrying. A gentleman wrote the following underneath : 4 The lady who this resolution took, ..- ' Wrote.it on glass to show it could be broke.' Truism. Punch says : 4 Gold is so plentiful in California that it can be had literally dirtclicaf? Mockery. 4 1 have learnt this profound truth says Alderman Johnson, 4 from eating turtle, that it shows a most depraved taste, to mock anything far

its greenness. Unnatural Curiosities. The mane of the lion that was bearded in his den. The pen that was held by an original writer.1 A phial of essence extracted from a weed of woe and the cork of a vial of wrath. A little of the indignation that was bottled up. A couple of trifles light as air, and three airy nothings. Two of the slings and three of the arrows of outrageous fortune.' A fragment of the passion that was torn to tatters One of those eyes in which beauty sat smiling The butt end of the rod that was in pickle. The sole of Cinderella's little glass-slipper. One of the stirrups of a saddle of venison.