Hammond Times, Volume 14, Number 159, Hammond, Lake County, 23 December 1919 — Page 9

i I

jjuntp interrupts f-p cakfast

HALL wo have any new rose

bushes this spring, dear?" asked Mr?. Humble, as she lovingly tucked a napkin un-

aer husband's collar while he

to dispose of his morning

In A Bid Way. "Did you hear about old absent-minded Professor Geezer?" "Why no." "He looked in the directory to tiiid out where te lived and found be couldn't remember his name!" Identified We see the flrt boxes appear on the street.

We hear the firt vender's cry ring. ud thus may tell by the straw- j

berry mark

tier

prepared

repast. "No more roses." replied Mr. Rumble. "Roses are a luxury, a vanity. : They are the gay things that detract ! attention from the matters of serious weight with which we must deal at ' : the present time. ( i "If you had followed the newspa- ' ' pers carefully you would be aware i , of the fact that the Government is j '. encouraging everybody to substitute ! ; vegetables for flowers during the i period of the war. AH the space that j . has been devoted to flowers is to be i preempted by table supplies. The ; j whole land is to be converted into ,

one vast farm garden. Every loyal citizen this republic over is to join j the ranks of the husbandman. I "It is a matter of especial pride ! to me that the Rumbles have always

' excelled in agricultural pursuits. 1 j few of them, indeed, have been ! i farmers, but those who have turned j their hands to the tilling of the soil i j have distinguished themselves above j ! their neighbors. ' .....

"My own illustrious ratner was a ; farmer, and a successful farmer. His :

the FhilistineB. He " Mr. Rumble turned and glared at her sternly. "Do not Interrupt me," be commanded; "I know whereof I speak. When VirKinius was called from the plow the KumbW who owned the next farm took charge of the property of the departed warrior and saw to it that the briars and weeds were kept down and that the potato bugs were

of the

annihilated until the return

victorious Arabian. "Not a penny did he charge for his services, or, I should say, not a penuckle, that being the monetary unit of the day. It is a grand record that the Rumbles havo in agriculture j just as the family record in all things pertaining to civic advancement is grand and inspiring." "It is very gratifying to have such

The Bachelor GUI

That April is a child of the spring, i fe -7 1 j culturalist. I have it from the lips

of one of my uncles that a Rumble i owned and cultivated a farm located j next to that of Virginius. When Vir- j ginius was called from the plow to ' lead the 'Syrian hosts against the j Philistines " ; Mrs. Rumble interrupted. i "My dear," said she; "I fear you j are slightly mixed there. Virginius ; did not lead the Syrian forces against j

Here's to the maiden, who lives ail alone. The "Bachelor Girl," as she's generally known; May she find a companion as soon as hhe can. If he be nothing more than the much despised man.

It Will Be A Delight For Me To Come To You When Von Are Toiling In The Hot Son And Bring Yon A Cool Glass Of Water To Slack Your Thirst.

a family record." agreed Mrs. Rumble; "and I am as proud of it as you

are. I am especially pleased to learn ; how you feel toward the gardening i

proposition. It will be really delightful to have our own vegetables from our own little miniature farm.

and at the same time to realize that j

by utilning our lawn 5 pace for this purpose we are helping the Government win the war. It will be too dear to see you sacrificing your time and energy to this work. It will be

a delight for me to come to you when

you are toiling in the hot sun and

, bring you a cool glass of water to slack your thirst. Every time you

j drive the spade intd the ground; ev-j ; ery time you plunge the mattock Into j the soil; every time you pry a boulder j i out of the bosom of old mother earth ' my heart will go out to you, and " "Mrs. Rumble, have you gone : wiTf?" cried Mr. Rumble.

; "Why no, dear," replied the puzi tied Mrs. Rumble. ! "Well, you talk very ranch as tf ; you were," declared Rumble. "Do

you imagine that I am capable of the i

harvester? Do you take me for an j army tank? Do I look like I was j able to work . blisters on my bands j under the rays of scorching sun for ! hours every day? Do you think I have the strength to drive a shovel through twelve inches of sod over an i arc-a of an aefe of ground?" I "No dear," answered his wife; "I I merely bad in mind the Rumble reci ord and your inclination to uphold i the family reputation." i "Woman!" tried Rumble. snrinz-

! ing to bis feet he always clinched ; his arguments by springing to his I feet "Woman! you are trying to '

hound me to death. You are doing your durcdest to shorten my ex- j istence. You are continually casting , . ....... V

MUU Upuu UJQ til my family and upon me. I won't stand it. I'm off." And he went.

rr"7&6f J j 4 U

He Loved Quiet "Fapa, may I take my piano with me -when I marry?" "I shall insist upon it, my dear."

Not Quite Ready

Accommodating "Oh, dear! Do stop walking to and fro; you make me nervous." "All right, I'll reverse It and walk fro and to. Had Tried One THing ' An old colored woman in the i

South went to see the deacon of ber church about the way her husband was treating her. She said that be not only neglected to provide food for the home and clothing for the children, but that he used the most disrespectful language to her. "Has yer eber tried heapin coals ob fire on his head?" asked the deacon. "Well, nor perzactly dat." answered the imposed upon wife; "but Ise soused him wid a bucket "or two ob cold water ebery now an' then."

Once 2. Sunday School Superintendent was talking to the children about their duty to live right sort of lives, and telling them where they would go if they were good, and where they would go If they were bad. Then he asked: "How many of you children want to go to heaven?" There was a great shuffling of feet as all the children in the school stood up but little Johnny Jones. "Well, Johnny." Inquired the mystified superintendent; "don't you want to go to heaven?" "Yessir, but not just yet," answered Johnny, who was laboring

under the Impression thai & party was being made up for immediate departure.

The Captain:

The Game Is On All right, fellers! Start the game! Here's a guy I think I kin git to "empire" for usl

r . 1 . .T7 -v-

OF &ON$ 40O

By Hugh Moore .

This Way To The Side Show. "Now gents for de triflin' sum of one cent I'll done raise de box an' show you de dent in de sidewalk mah kid brudder's head made when he done fell outer de fifth story winder!"

Wounded "So you are playirg with your soldiers, Johnnie?" said Auntie, "Yes, ma'am. "They eeem very heavy soldiers. " "Yes, ma'am, they're on their way home from war, and they've got a lot of lead in them."

I'M

T i ETE JUST received a letter from one of our M 11 readers in which he asks why the old time Ivy jokes do not Include those about Adam. To his

untutored mind there couldn't be anything more

ancient than the jokes of tfcose days. ' As a matter of fact the jokes of the Adamic period are altogether too fresh to be included among the venerable jests that are being worked off upon the public nowadays. Most of the fimr.yisms of that time are presented at every taffy pulling held today and always produce the most hilarious outbursts o laughter. What turn; of the day uas Adam born? In the rarly afternoon, r a little before Eve. That's an example of the newest of the jokes of the early ages, and anyone can see at once that it is not to be class-d with the old-time jokes. . . And then: Why wim Eve made? Ansvcr: For Adams Express Company. lVAy waxv't Eve afraid ' 0 the mcaslf-i? Answer: Because site h-aA Adam. Why do v r know that Ere wan of an rvil iipo.iiUonT Answer: tScraufi the Bible says she raisch Cam. Why didn't Cam become cn aviator ? Answer: Because he wasn't Abel. Who uas Cain's wife? 'Answer: Ab'Ts sistcr-in-law. You see these are all good, fresh and convulsingly funny Jokes that have no place in jests of antiquity. Long before Adam was heard of there was invented that prize of all puns. When is a door not a door 2. Ah! there's one that's bent wiih age, and yet still doing yeoman duty from the Flanders front to Butte City. It was th? late Samuel L. Clemens, I believe, who told one of the best stories in which Adam figured. ITe Mr. Clemens, not Adam was on a railroad train, tirml and in a thoughtful mood, and for once not inclined to entertain or to be entertained. There was a garrulous

fellow passenger, who took a seat next to Mark Twain and sought to engage him In conversation. Twain meantime doing all he could to discourage the conversation. President Cleveland has just been elected for the first time. "What do you think of Cleveland?" asked the talkative fellow. "1 don't know him." drawled Twain. The fcllmo paused, and then: "This man Edison's a wonderful genxus, isn't hef "I don't know him," drawled Twain again. 'Lincoln was the master wind of the country, wasn't he?" inquired the fellow passenger. "Sever heard of him," replied Ticatn with a yawit. "Well, l guess you admire George Washington," suggested the perplexed traveler. "He's a new one to vxe," answered Twain. "Irook here, pcrtner," cried the now excited passenger; "did you ever hear of Adam?'' "Adam? Adam?" repeated the humorist slowly, as if light had finally begun to break vpon him. "Adam? What was his first name?" It would hardly be fair to Irave the old jokes of this class, without recalling one in wllich Noah figured. A man of rather ordinary education was trying to make a speech on a semi-literary subject, and was telling what a boon to humanity was the dictionary. Very impressively he sang out:

Social Distinctions You cau say what you like of your institutions for social betterment and reform of your "life," "hard labor" and executions, and talk from now till the weather's warm. But what's to be said of a true old-timer what's Jugged along with a common dip and eats his grab with a cheap porch climber that's only down for his second trip? And what's to be said when they puts him workln along with a piker "petty" guy that's in for a year or two fer jerkin' a lady's bag as he passes by? And then when a bloke gits a bit contrary at the inconsistency of it. they puts him in stripes

m the solitary with a ball and chain on his starboard mitt! For I've done some jobs (If I say, as shouldn't), that would be a credit to any man. that no two-spot in this dugout couldn't if t give him the dope an' a workin' plan. There was this little game that I played in Cincl. the one I'm doin' time for now; and then again on the

job in Quincy I got away with a cool ten thou. But you understand tbo point I'm makin'; it taint no use to recite details. There's a lock-nut looi.e and no mistakin' the way they're tryin to run these jails. GEO. CARLETON.

The Real Thing. "What is it that April showers bring forth?" "Umbrellas."

".Vo one can overestimate the blessing thii was conferred vpon humanity by the writing of the dictionary by Daniel Webster:" A friend in a near seat whispered : "It was Soah who wrote the dictionary." The speaker, in disgust at his prompter's ignorance, replied m tones that could be henrd1h rough out the hall: "Xoali? thunder. h built the sr'."

Two Views. The Laughing Hyena: Why so glum, Mr. Menk?, Mr. Monk: My wife left me. Laughing Hyena: I'm laughing for the same reason.