Kankakee Valley Post, Volume 11, Number 48, DeMotte, Jasper County, 9 October 1941 — The Once Over [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Once Over

by H.I.Phillips

ELMER TWITCHELL ON THE GAS CRISIS “I’m all set for this gasoline rationing,” declared Elmer Twitchell today. “Ain't a bit worried. Got myself all adjusted. Won’t notice it at all.” “How so?” we asked. “Preparedness,” snapped Elmer. “Been salting it away or got a pull with a gasoline bootlegger?” “Neither.” explained Mr. Twitchell. “I’ve done nothing beyond the reach of any other American. Any auto owner can take the same steps I have so that the gas' shortage won’t bother him in the least.” “Speak. What have vou done?” “Well, I’ll tell you,”* said Elmer. “It’s very simple. First of all, I’ve painted every light in the house a bright red.” “What's the big idea?” “I want the full atmosphere of the open road,” he continued. “Then I’ve put obstacles all over every room so there'll be trouble getting anywhere. I’m hanging a dead-end sign at the front door and I put a detour marker on the back door to complicate matters.” “Yes, but . . .” “Don’t interrupt,” he snapped. “I'm putting windshield wipers on every window in the' house, breaking them first. I mean breaking the windshield wipers, not the windows. I want to be sure none of ’em work. Then I’m setting the furnace on full tilt and removing the thermostatic adjustments. I want to be sure I’m hot.” * * * were beginning to get the drift. “I’m putting in a big stock of horsemeat, frankfurters and stale rolls, a lot of wet peanuts and plenty of bananas and soda pop. Enough

to last all fall and winter,” he continued. “And I’ve ordered a four months’ supply of pickles, hardboiled eggs and all the other junk people eat on their Sunday afternoon pleasure trips. Gas or no gas, I don’t want to take any chance on being cut off from all my accustomed pleasures.” * * * “You mean you’re not even counting on using an auto?” we exclaimed. “Exactly,” said Elmer. “I’ll have my house all fixed up with everything I can get through motoring. I’m even arranging to have grease put all over the chairs and walls and I’m putting in a small stove to burn nothing but rubber. And see this?” Elmer held up a phonogiaph record. “Put it on the machine and all it does is just snarl in different keys. Every little while a voice yells, ‘Get over, ya big bum!’ ” * * * Mr. Twitchell was well pleased with himself. “It’s a pretty good idea,” we agreed. “Good my eye. It’s perfect,” concluded Elmer. “Without a pint of gasoline to my name I’m all set to enjoy everything at home that I would enjoy if I went out in the auto.” * * * INEXPLICABLE It seems to me somewhat ironic, That tender care, massage, and tonic Should be required of men who cherish A scalp that’s adequately hairish. Whereas unwanted hair that’s »strewn Across the chin and cheeks, though hewn And leveled to the skin and thwarted When it is barely getting started, Despite mistreatment, curse, and scorning Returns augmented every morning. —Richard Armour. * * * “New automobiles will lose their decorative touch and frills.”—Headline. We may even have to get along for two years in succession with the same radiator ornament. * * * Autumn: When you feel so strange going around with no broken-bottle wounds in your feet, no mustard on your shirt, no sand in your ears and no plaster across the bridge of your nose. * * * VAGAJBONDIA Books and beer upon a table, A pinch of snuff for those who’re able; A pipe of ’baccy for a friehd Whom fortune may see fit to send: So shall mjne house well ordered be For a friend who finds his friend in me. —Gordon R. Higham. * • * Elmer Twitchell insists that he drove up to a fashionable pumping station Sunday and found a sign “Res' on it.