Kankakee Valley Post, Volume 3, Number 3, DeMotte, Jasper County, 1 June 1933 — Page 2

THE FABLE OF HOW WEDDINGS HAVE SOLD OFF

By GEORGE ADE

©, Bell Syndicate.--WNU Service. IT CAME about that during this very October, Rosalie, only daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. K. Jellaby, was fairly dragged to the Altar by Walter Dingleforth, whose Father owns the Furniture Factory and pays a jimcracking Income Tax, even if he does hire an Expert to protect him, so that on the Day when their highgrade Offspring left them forever (maybe), Mr. and Mrs. Jellaby could hardly refrain from doing Jig Steps. The Architect who planned the Jellaby Home had not counted on taking care of 200 Guests at one time, consequently, when the big Doings were pulled off, about half of the Ringside Spectators were parked in Hallways or Closets or on the Stairway. When the Bids went out, no one was overlooked, because the Young People would need almost everything when they started in to furnish a large Apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Jellaby decided to cut it wide and handsome because this would be their only Chance to make a Splash on the Society Page. Besides, they figured that it wouldn’t cost any more to put on the Show than it would to keep Rosalie in Stockings for another Year. They were getting rid of the main Expense Account and could afford to bust over. A Golden Gibbie. So they had a Strip of Red Carpet, Maiden-Hair Ferns, a special Harpist secreted behind Palms, a Caterer who brought a wagonload of Indigestibles and a Rector who was so High Church that you couldn’t understand what he said. Everything was Oo-la-la and right up to the Handle. A great Day for the Jellabys? You said it. It was a Daylight Affair, 12 o’clock Central Time, with everything sped up because the Young Couple had to get the Limited so as to catch the Boat for Europe which Rosalie rather wanted to see, as she never had been east of Akron. The Main Bout went off great. It had been rehearsed until it was as smooth as a Belasco First Night. They had Bridesmaids, who looked like festooned Marshmallows, and terrified little Girls strewing Posies and a freshly shaven Male Body Guard in Undertaking Costumes whose Collars were too tight. It was a regular Wedding. After the two Principals had been legally welded and the rabid Assemblage was fighting for Lobster Salad and Pimento Sandwiches, of course there were all sorts of Comments, mostly right out in the Open and favorable. Nearly everybody said that the Bride looked cunning and had done very well by herself in snaring a Gibbie who probably had a million already, with more in sight, and was sufficiently educated to sign Checks, even if he couldn’t read a Book. What you might call an Ideal Husband. Kickless Punch. Among those who were trying to last it out was a ruddy old Bachelor who dated back to the Happy Days when they locked people up for discussing Birth Control, but permitted them to drink Absinthe. He was sitting over in a corner with two ossified Crabs who could almost remember the Mexican War and he was telling them what a Hardship it was to get up at Sunrise in order to see some weakbrained Youth jump over the Precipice. “It’s all right if you suffer from Insomnia,’’ said the unmarried Renegade, “but now that I am up, what am I going to do all the rest of the day? Whoever invented these 12 o’clock Weddings had a swell idea, with the reverse English. Wait till the Whistle blows and then hop to it. I am telling you that in the by-gone Era when Nights were not wasted on Slumber, it would have been Impossible to have this Show at Noon. At that Hour the Groom was always in a Turkish Bath trying to get back ou Earth after the Dinner for the Best man, the Ushers and all others who happened to be thirsty. As a Rule the Lads didn’t come up for Air until 6 P. M. No one knew when the Ceremony would take place. After all the Stragglers had answered the RollCall, then the Preacher was given the High Sign and told to shoot the Works.’’ “Have you tried the Punch?” asked one of the Old-Timers. “I suspect that the Coloring Matter is Aniline.” “I have wrapped myself around five of them, hoping against Hope,” replied the Bachelor. “All of the Women still look Plain to me, so I suspect that the Recipe was borrowed from the Rockefeller Foundation. If the Stuff carries a Message, it must be in Code, because I can’t get anything out of it. A Rough-House Meal. “Things have come to a direful Pass when they got to have one Plain Clothes Man to watch the Presents and two to watch the Guests. The Refreshments may contain a lot of Vitamins, but they are shy on Mirth and Laughter. No one wants to make a Speech. The Bride hasn’t been mussed up. The Decorations remain Stationary. I’ll say the Party is a Flop.” In a secluded Apartment where the ladies had stacked their Wraps a wellpreserved Matron was letting off Steam. “I can remember,” said she, “when

the wedding Breakfast was a sitdown affair which lasted for Hours and all those present wouldn’t have to eat anything for Days and Days after it was all over. Instead of putting 'R. S. V. P.’ on the lower Corner of the invite, they should put ‘Cafeteria Service.’ If you haven’t trained for one of these Affairs the Chances are that by the time you get to the Trough there will be nothing left except Olives. The only safe Plan is to bring your own Lunch or else wear a Gymnasium Suit.” At this another Old Girl said that she could remember when Getting Married was an Event instead of a mere Incident. That is to say, when the Twain stood up to receive their Sentences there was much Weeping, because the Witnesses knew that both of them were in for Life. “Why don’t they change the Wording?” she demanded. “Instead of that antiquated Apple Sauce about staying on the Job until ‘death do us part,’ why not make it, ‘until we get fed up on Each other?’” No Left-Over. “Lady, you put a whole Chapter into a couple of Lines,” said the first Matron. “It seems only yesterday when all the Folks on the Side-Lines were worried about the little Fawn who going to emerge from the Sheltered Life and assume the large Responsibilities of Life. Nowadays the Fawn is just as timid as a Bengal Tiger. She has looked up his Nobs in Dun and Bradstreet and she knows, to a Nickel, what she can shake out of him every Year. She is stage-man-aging the whole Spectacle and the Parents are taking Orders. If she seems Nervous it is because she is wondering if her Picture will show up all right in the Papers. I can even remember when the Brides used to faint. All that is out. Nowadays the Groom is the only one who looks as if he needed a Trained Nurse.” “Did you hear about the Secret Ballot taken at a School for Girls last Month?” asked her friend. “It seems that each of the Graduates was given a Questionnaire, in which occurred the Query: ‘Would you Marry just for Money?’ The Returns showed that 99 per cent of the Sweet Young Things answered ‘You know it,’ and then underlined the Words. “When I married my Abner I knew that he had put his Roll into the $14 Spark Diamond and owed for the Suit in which he stood up but I took a Chance because I felt that his Love for me was such that he could go out and get anything not spiked down. We rode away in a Hired Hack and took a Day Coach to Springfield where we saw the Capitol Building and the first Electric Lights. When I go to a Wedding now I hear everybody asking, ‘Which one of them has the Coin?’ It seems to be taken for granted that Nobody will tackle Matrimony unless there is enough of a Sinking Fund to take care of the Overhead.” In the meantime the Caterer was packing up and he was heard to tell one of the Colored Boys that there was no longer any Salvage. He said that Weddings had become such a bore that the Mob tried to eat itself into Forgetfulness. MORAL: The Usual Charge by a Justice of the Peace is $2.

Cause of Earthquakes Still Puzzles Experts

Earthquakes are believed to result from a number of different causes, but the principal one is considered to be faulting or the slipping of one great body of rock upon another in the earth’s crust or outer portion, says a writer in the Detroit News. After the California earthquake of 1906 it was found that along a previously known fault nearly 300 miles long, the strata had shifted horizontally from one to three feet. The usual points of origin for such changes in the earth’s crust estimated to be from 10 to 20 miles below the surface. Some earthquakes are caused by the violent explosions accompanying volcanic eruptions. Some are produced by the falling in of subterranean caverns, by avalanches, landslides and various slumpings on the slopes of deltas and on the outer faces of the continental platforms under the sea. Great earthquakes are most numerous in volcanic regions, and particularly near the mountainous edges of continents, bordering on the ocean.

Many Species of Oak Trees

There are over 200 species of oak, of which fifteen are native of California. One of the most familiar trees in southern California is the native evergreen or live oak (Quercus agrifolio). While the native live oak is often used in street parkways, the holly oak of southern Europe seems to be better for all-around parkway use and particularly near the ocean, notes a writer in the Los Angeles Times. The native oak tends to mildew badly when near the ocean and it seems to be more easily attacked by the twig borer. The holly oak is straighter when young.

Old Post Regulations

On March 3, 1797, it was decided that “all letters to George Washington be received and conveyed by post during his life free of charge.” The postal laws were revised in 1799, and flogging substituted for the death penalty for robbing the mails. The franking privilege was extended to John Adams in 1801. In 1802 an act was passed to the effect that “mail between Petersburg, Va., and Louisville, Ga., (should) go in mail coaches instead of on horseback.” A general post office had been established in Washington on May 29, 1800.

THE KANKAKEE VALLEY POST.

BEDTIME STORY FOR CHILDREN

By THORNTON W. BURGESS

PETER TRIES TO CALL ON SHORT-TAIL WHEN Peter Rabbit returned to the dear Old Brier Patch he could think of nothing but his new acquaintance, Short-Tail the Shrew. This was quite like Peter. Anything new arouses his curiosity so that he can think of nothing else. He would

There Was Short-Tail Darting Along One of His Little Paths.

have liked nothing better than to gossip with some of his neighbors about Short-Tail and his affairs, but to do this he would have to admit that he knew little or nothing about ShortTail, and this he couldn’t bring himself to do. You see Peter felt very,

very foolish every time he thought of how Short-Tail had been one of his neighbors for so long and all the time had been mistaken by him for a member of the Mole family. So Peter said nothing to anyone, not even to little Mrs. Peter, but resolved to make up for lost time. The very first chance he got he slipped over to the old log where he had met Short-Tail. He intended to make a call. Now Peter couldn’t see under the old log, so he couldn’t tell whether Short-Tail was there or not. He called but got no answer. He thumped with his feet. Finally he thumped right on top of the old log itself, and then looked quickly to see if anyone ran out. No one did. It was quite plain that Short-Tail wasn’t there. Then Peter remembered what ShortTail had said about his private little paths, and jumping down from the old log he began to look for them. Now it didn’t take Peter long to find a little path, for there was one leading right away from one end of the old log. It wasn’t much of a path. Of' course such a little fellow as ShortTail wouldn’t make much of a path. It was very much like one of the private little paths of Whitefoot the Wood Mouse. In fact Peter would have supposed that this was just what it was, had it not been for what ShortTall had said. It was only about half an inch wide. “He told me to follow his path and we might meet,” said Peter to himself, there being no one else to talk to. So he started to follow the little path. Presently he came to another little path, and where the two little paths

Do YOU Know 20,000 motion picture theatres in America attended nightly by 15,000,000 movie fans. This is five times as many movie houses as there are in the United Kingdom; six times as many as in Germany and ten times as many as there are in France or Italy. ©, 1933, McClure Newspaper Syndicate. WNU Service

joined Peter sat down and scratched his head In a puzzled way. '“Now how am I to know which way to go?” he muttered. Finally he decided to stick to the one he had started on. Half a dozen jumps brought him to where this little path branched. Peter was stuck again. Finally he chose one of the branches and started on, only to have this branch lose itself in a whole lot of little paths, which crossed and recrossed and were seemingly all mixed up. Just looking at them made Peter dizzy. “I’m not going a step farther,” declared Peter. "What is the use? I don’t know which path to follow and if I did, it would merely lead into another little path and I wouldn’t get anywhere.” A sudden thought struck Peter and caused him to sit up with a funny look on his face “I wonder,” said he slowly, "I wonder if ShortTail was simply planning to have fun with me, when he told me to follow one of his little paths and perhaps we would meet. Anyway, I’ve tried to make a call, and that I couldn’t is no fault of mine. Now I think I’ll go home. My gracious! What a lot of mixed-up paths! Short-Tail must do an awful amount of running about.” “I have to,” snapped a sharp squeaky voice. “I’d starve if I didn’t.” Peter looked behind. There was Short-Tail, darting along one of his little paths. “Wait a minute!” cried Peter. But Short-Tail had vanished. ©, 1933, by T. W. Burgess.--WNU Service.

Why Machines Are Not Wanted in China

GRAPHIC GOLF

BRING AROUND THE LEFT SIDE ONE of the most prevalent faults is failure to let the left side turn around to the right on the backswing. Even those golfers who do, are often far short of a complete turn. One reason for this is that they want to guide the stroke and not being confident of their swing turn but little. They take the club back with the customary wrist and arm movement but allow the left side to remain where it was for fear of destroying their balance. The proper method is to let the left shoulder turn naturally as the left arm is taking the club back until the backswing is complete. In some cases the player’s back is practically at right angles to the objective. MacDonald Smith affords a fine example of this turn and at the top of the swing is set to hit from the inside out with perfect balance and freedom. In this position full use can be made of the left arm. Smith is a firm advocate of a complete pivot and lays the blame for much of the slicing on this failure to turn enough. ©, 1933, Bell Syndicate.--WNU Service.

WARM WEATHER DESSERTS THE old-fashioned custard nicely cooked and frozen makes an ice cream which holds up when frozen and is nourishing as well as refreshing. French Ice Cream. Heat one quart of milk and add very slowly to four lightly beaten eggs, three-fourths of a cupful of sugar, one-fourth teaspoonful of salt; cook until the mixture is thickened and smooth and coats the spoon. Cool, add one cupful of heavy cream and

Robin Hood Hat

For summer wear a New York hat designer shows this jaunty little Robin Hood sports hat in stitched suede cloth.

Air Brake Invention

George Westinghouse invented the air brake in 1868, and received the first patent for it on April 13, 1869, when he was living in Pittsburgh. An experimental train was fitted up with air brakes by the Pennsylvania Railroad company shortly afterward. In 1872, he invented the automatic air brake.

Man power is so cheap in China that there is little call for machinery there. Our photograph shows two American marines near Tientsin watching a Chinese coolie unloading bricks from a canal barge in the primitive manner of the Orient.

one and one-half teaspoonfuls of vanilla. Freeze as usual. Peach Ice Cream. Take three cupfuls of ripe peaches, cover with one cupful of sugar, onefourth teaspoonful of salt and let stand for an hour or more. The fruit should be sliced very thin. Press the fruit through a colander, add one pint of cream and a tablespoonful of lemon juice. Mix and freeze as usual. Pack the freezer and let the cream stand for an hour or two. Orange Sherbet. Take one and one-half cupfuls of orange juice, one and one-fourth cupfuls of sugar, one-fourth teaspoonful of salt, three cupfuls of rich milk and two tablespoonfuls of lemon juice. Heat one cupful of the milk and add the sugar, stir until the sugar is dissolved. Add the other ingredients and cool. Mix and freeze as usual. Velvet Lemon Sherbet. Take the juice of three lemons, one and one-half cupfuls of sugar--two cupfuls if the lemons are large--one quart of rich milk and a fourth of a teaspoonful of salt. Stir and mix well. The mixture will curdle but when frozen will be smooth as velvet. A bit of the lemon rind may be added if desired. ©, 1933, Western Newspaper Union.

On Way From Norway to Chicago Fair

SORLANDET, the Norwegian training ship, leaving Oslo witn all sails hoisted as she started on her way to the Century of Progress exposition in Chicago. She is manned by 100 sailors between the ages of fifteen and seventeen. Her route takes her up the St. Lawrence river and through the Great Lakes.

ENOUGH

By DOUGLAS MALLOCH

THE old home place is not as fine As lots of places up the line, If size is all you care about, But I can shut all that quite out: I know, within this house of mine, Or hers, or ours, that our own stuff, Though plain, has always been enough. The old home place is just a farm. Dad cleared the brush with his own arm And sowed the seed with his own hand. Well, other houses may look grand, With larger fields, and that’s no harm--Unless we quit remembering That we’ve enough of ev’rything. The old home place, or any spot, By this is judged, though big or not: If it has housed you, fed you, too. And both seemed good enough to you, That’s all that matters such a lot. And this old place, through dry and wet, Has never really failed us yet. The old home place has warmed and fed, And kept a roof above our head, So we can pass the others by Without a jealous look or sigh, And live contented, as I said, Because, when times were good or tough, The old home place has been enough. ©, 1933, Douglas Malloch.--WNU Service.

BONERS

Rameses left mummies of himself all over Egypt.

BONERS are actual humorous tid-bits found in examination papers, essays, etc., by teachers.

The finest animals on earth are ground mice. * * * Three birds that have black feathers are the crow, raven, and jailbird. * * * Watered stock is cows put out to pasture beside a running stream. Space between the bones is filled with mucilage. * * * An Oxonian is a man who drives a pair of oxes. ©, 1933, Bell Syndicate.--WNU Service.

GIRLIGAGS

“When you hear the first bars of your wedding march," says wooing Winnie, “you don’t realize that you are in for such a long, long walk." ©, 1933, Bell Syndicate.--WNU Service.