Kankakee Valley Post, Volume 2, Number 44, DeMotte, Jasper County, 16 March 1933 — The Fable of the Monarch of Western Hemisphere [ARTICLE]

The Fable of the Monarch of Western Hemisphere

By GEORGE ADE

©, Bell Syndicate.--WNU Service. IT WILL be remembered that Mr. Jelby stood in front of the Drug Store in 1900 and said that when he started somewhere behind a Horse he knew he would get there and, besides, you didn’t have to crank up a Horse and it never had Tire Trouble. Yes, indeed, Mr. Jelby was slick enough to see that the Horseless Carriage was merely a futile Experiment and countless Generations yet to arrive would have to depend upon Old Dobbin. Now he wants to slap the Speedometer in the Face if it doesn’t register 50 and when he goes around a Family Party huddled in a Fliv he does it on Two Wheels and shouts insulting Cracks at the Slow Pokes who are impeding Traffic. It was Mr. Jelby who opposed the formation of the Country Club, allowing that Golf was an effeminate Diversion intended for White Rabbits and inmates of the Old People’s Home, but a sad Imitation of Something to Do for a robust Athlete who had been brought up on baseball and Draw Poker. And now Mr. Jelby has more Clubs than Hagen and at Night his Wife will hear him murmuring in his sleep. “The head down and come back slowly.” You know, one of these terrible Cases. Oh, how he ridiculed the folks who put in their time Dancing! He was one of the first to denounce Jazz. He said that the old-fashioned Waltz and Mazurka had some sense to them and he even defended the hop-skip-and-jump Polka, but the modern Trots, and Toddles and Walks had no Relation to Terpsichorean Art and were merely lazy Forms of Indoor Exercise. And now Mr. Jelby wants to go out every Night and wriggle until the Saxophone Players pass out, and the waiters begin putting chairs on the Tables. He is the Kind that will make Fun of a new style or some novel Diversion until it becomes Universal and then he will wake up some Morning and discover it with a Cry of Surprise. He wouldn’t wear these Baggy Trousers until after they had been adopted by all the Waiters at the Bon Ton Case. Those Who Get Maddest Fall Hardest. His offspring got many a raspy Grilling just a short time ago because they wasted so much time on a prevailing Type of Idiocy known as the Cross Word Puzzle. He advanced the highly original Opinion that it didn’t make any difference how many letters were in a Certain word or what the last three Letters might be or what the Word meant. If the new Craze was going to teach Folks a lot of new Words, he was agin it, because most of them knew too many words already and used them too frequently. Besides, after you had solved the Fool Thing out to all the corners and had used up a couple of Erasers, what had you really done to make the World brighter and happier and better? One day he happened to pick up one of the Teasers and began to fool with it, in a Spirit of Contempt. The first Horizontal Word was something in six Letters meaning to arrive or depart or go up an Alley, or something like that. You know, one of those Short Ones that a Small Child who is mentally defective should guess in Three Seconds or whatever happens to be Bogey. After two hours Mr. Jelby was up on the Table with the newspaper under one Knee, gnashing his Teeth and rubbing the thing out for the 47th time. Those who get the maddest fall the hardest. He went out and bought the largest Dictionary to be had, also a Book of Synonym’s, an Atlas, Who’s Who, and the History of the World. And now, if he stays up late enough he can worry out a dinky Little One of about Thirty Words which the Children cleaned up before starting for the Movies. Since you have a correct line on This rugged and typical American Citizen, you will understand that the Radio had him marked as a Victim from the very start. When the first crude Outfits were being advertised, and a few Amateurs were building their Own Sets, and sitting around for Hours wearing Ear-Muffs and trying to strain a few connected Sounds through the Buzzing Effects, it was then that Mr. Jelby showed utter Scorn for the whole Game. Once he visited a Bug who was working hard to get some Results. He even consented to put on the Receivers and finally he heard Something that souned like a three-piece Orchestra playing at the bottom of a Well in the next Block. The Fact that the music was being played in Pittsburgh did not greatly excite Mr. Jelby. He said it sounded almost that far away. No Passing Fads for Jelby. He admitted that possibly one could get a certain Kick out of listening to an imperfect Long-distance Phone Message which was being received without the help of a Wire. But when he wanted entertainment he didn’t want to put a Clamp on his Head and sit around waiting for some Soprano two hundred miles away to burst into Song. Not much! He wanted to crank up the old Talking Machine and put in a big Needle and get a mess of Rag Time that would rattle the Windows.

So he passed up the new Wonder of the World. When the Addicts told him that Improvements were being made and the Amplifier was learning to bring the Stuff in so that it sounded like Something and the Programs were better, then Mr. Jelby laughed scornfully and said there would be nothing doing, as he had investigated and decided that the Plaything would never be more than a Passing Fad. Even when the Newspapers began to have Special Departments with funny-looking Pictures and ponderous Explanations and long Programs, Mr. Jelby was unmoved. Then, at a Party one night he saw a new-fangled one that had Bulbs and Dials all over it and looked like the Apparatus that might be used for purposes of Electrocution. It had a Loud Speaker which looked like the entrance to the Hoosac Tunnel. The proud Owner did a little jiggling and out came a Niagara of Grand Opera. The Operator said that Boston was coming in very well. Mr. Jelby couldn’t believe it was Boston. It sounded too nearby. Then the quivering Crank who was at the Wheel declared that he could get Hastings, Nebraska, and he did so. He said that Atlanta was a Cinch for him and in two seconds Mr. Jelby was listening to an Educational Talk in Atlanta. The Subject Matter was not very thrilling, but in getting Atlanta the feverish Fan had proven that his old Machine had Selectivity. That word “Selectivity” impressed Mr. Jelby. He used it Next Morning when he went into a Department Store to purchase a Superola, the same as he had heard at the Party. Getting in Good With the Neighbors. The Salesman said there was no need of spending all that money. For $45 he could get a dandy little Pazola which would pick up almost any station and provide many happy Hours for the Jelby Tribe. The dandy little Pazola lasted just two Sessions. When Jelby found that it brought in only a Squeak from Omaha and not a Flicker from Los Angeles, he was off of it for Life. He went to an Expert and laid in a Triple-Super-Something that had to be turned sideways when brought into the house. After it was all keyed up then Mr. Jelby worked out his Log and brought in the neighbors. Now he sits at the Key-Board and jumps from Springfield, Mass., to Dallas, Texas, via Chicago and St. Louis. He is still strong on Selectivity. Just as the Guests are beginning to enjoy WEAF, he demonstrates his versatility by hopping to WLS-and as soon as they begin to sit up and listen to WLS with eyes asparkle, he shows off again by working on his Prize Stunt, namely, trying to get Mexico City. In the last month he has picked up over 800 stations and never remained over eight seconds on any one. For the distracted Listeners this Life has become just a series of unfinished Ballads, interrupted Orchestral Selections and dislocated Operas. The Neighbors have called a meeting and there is no Question as to what will happen to Mr. Jelby. The only Problem now is to dispose of the Body. MORAL: Every new Accomplishment should be practiced In Secret for the first Nine Months.